Larry King is interviewing President Aladeen on live TV. There's a burning question that both he and the world want an answer to. Will Aladeen answer it? Er, no. No chance.
Do you have nuclear weapons?
What was the question?
Do you have nuclear weapons?
Sorry, I can't hear you.
Are you developing nuclear weapons?
No, I literally can't hear you.
I'm going to another question.
Oh, I can hear you now!
What kind of a megalomaniac changes three hundred words of his own country's language to his
own name? Hafez Aladeen, of course.
Often described as ignorant, he changed over three hundred Wadiyan words to Aladeen; including the words "positive" and "negative", causing mass confusion.
[Cut to hospital office where a patient is about to be told the results of his tests]
Do you want the... Aladeen news or the... Aladeen news?
The... Aladeen news?
You are HIV... Aladeen.
[The patient is completely confused, smiles with relief at first and then frowns]
President Aladeen has attended his top secret nuclear testing facility to view his Beard of Doom rocket. He's not impressed. At all.
This is... The Beard of Doom rocket? This is my weapon? I will be a laughing stock. All my friends have got nuclear weapons. Even Ahmadinejad and he looks like a snitch on Miami Vice.
Megan Fox is "entertaining" President Aladeen in his massive golden bed.
[On the verge of orgasm]
Uh, uh, uh, ah, Megan! Megan! Megan! Ahhhhh! You now have herpes. Okay, Maroush, give the goodie bag.
I trust everything is in there as your manager requested?
Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex.
Well that's because she let me Aladeen in her face.
President Aladeen is staying in the Presidential Suite of a top New York hotel. It has everything. But nothing is free and what it
does have carries a hefty price tag.
Twenty dollars a day for internet? WHAT THE FU*K?! And they accuse
me of being an international criminal? NOBODY TOUCH THE MINI-BAR. IT'S A FU*KING RIP-OFF!
Zoey has rescued Aladeen from certain arrest and is carrying him across town on her scooter. When they hit a bump, his hands go to her chest. Oh and he's told her that his name is Alison. To be clear.
Oh! Alison... could you... could you please take your hands off my breasts?
Those are breasts? I thought you were a boy?!
Zoey has offered Aladeen (who she believes is Alison Burgers) a job at her vegan store. He's asking random questions about the company's operations.
Do you sell any assault rifles?
Oh, wait. I got it. Humour, right? I took a feminist clown workshop once.
[She begins to mime]
"Help, help, I'm trapped under a glass ceiling."
What... the FU*K?
I wasn't the best student but I, uh... we've got this wellness centre downstairs in the basement where, um... we do water birth. Have you ever seen a water birth?
Not a water
birth, but I've seen a water death.
Wow. Was it moving?
There was actually very little movement. A little wriggling then two bubbles and then a big bloop and the wallet floats up.
Aladeen has gone a little over the top in the shop and Zoey has to call him out on his attitude. Which gives him the opportunity to notice something about her personal grooming that surprises him.
Okay... time out, time out.
[In making the classic "T" gesture with her hands, Zoey reveals her armpits which are... shall we say, naturale?]
Woah, woah, woah, agh! Shave your under the... arms! I dread to think what kind of jungle you have on your malawach! *
[Editor's Note: "Malawach" is a Yemeni Jewish flatbread typically eaten for breakfast and I have never heard it used as a euphemism for a "lady garden" outside of this movie!]
Aladeen has spotted Nadal, the former head of his nuclear programme working in an Apple Store. He's followed him and now he needs his help.
Nadal. You must help me to get back into power.
What? No! Why would I do that? I have a perfectly good job here. I'm a Mac Genuis.
Oh. What do you do?
Um, mostly I... clean semen out of laptops.
Congratulations. Living the American dream!
Aladeen has helped to deliver a customer's baby on the basement floor. He holds the infant up, "Simba style" and notices what gender it is.
I'm sorry. It's bad news. It's a girl. Where's the trash can?
No, no, no. No, that's what we wanted. That's what we wanted. We'll take her. We'll take her. Thank you. Oh baby...
Zoey and Aladeen have finally coupled up. And they're about to make their relationship physical. But first there's something they
both need to get off their chests.
There's something that I want to tell you.
You've got a d*ck. I knew it.
Alison, I d... I don't have a d*ck.
Great! And I've never been with a guy with a d*ck. Or any guy. Or boys. Just girls. And children. Not male ones. Female ones.