12 MP3 Audio clips from Team America: World Police (2004)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Spottswoode is trying to recruit Broadway actor Gary to Team America. Gary obviously has suspicions about anyone trying to recruit him, especially producers from Hollywood. Which Spottswoode isn't.

Spottswoode

Please, Gary, step into my car.

Gary

Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me. Then, if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

Spottswoode

...Nnno, I... just want to show you something.

Gary

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Spottswoode

Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fu*k your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable!

Clip 2

Imagine, if you will, 9-11 times one hundred. Can you imagine how catastrophic that would be? Can you picture the destruction? Or are you just working on the maths?

Spottswoode

From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 9-11 times 100.

Gary

Nine-eleven times 100... Jesus, that's...

Spottswoode

Yes. Ninety-one thousand one hundred.

Clip 3

America! Fu*k Yeah! It's the theme of the movie and is unsurpassed in terms of its inspirational, motivational and patriotic power.

All

Ame-ri-ca! Ame-ri-ca!

Lead

America!

All

Fu*k yeah!

Lead

Comin' again to save the motherfu*kin' day yeah!

America!

All

Fu*k yeah!

Freedom is the only way yeah!

Lead

Terrorists, your game is through,

'Cause now you have to answer to...

America!

All

Fu*k yeah!

Lead

So lick my butt and suck on my balls!

America!

All

Fu*k yeah!

Clip 4

Chris doesn't like Gary. Gary is an actor and Chris doesn't trust actors. We're not sure why.

Chris

Let's get one thing straight, actor... I don't trust you! And if you betray us, I'll rip your fu*kin' balls off and stuff 'em up your ass so that the next time you sh*t, you'll sh*t all over your balls! Got it?!

Gary

What's your problem with me?!

Chris

Heyeah, you wanna go?!

Gary

Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is what the terrorists want us to do?! The war is out there, man, out there!! Now pull it together!

Clip 5

Gary has managed to infiltrate a terrorist cell. He's threatened a Jihad on them if they don't believe the crock of sh*t he's just spun.

Chechen Leader

I like you. You have balls. I like balls.

Clip 6

Kim Jong Il has no intention of handing over his palace to the inspector from the UN. He's dunked him into a tank filled with, erm... sharks. Yeah. Let's just say that they're sharks.

Kim

There you go, Hans Brix! How do you rike that, you fu*king c*cksucker?! Do you have any idea how fu*king busy I am, Hans Brix?! Werr fu*k you! You want inspections?! Werr inspect that, you buttfu*king piece of sh*t!!

Clip 7

Imagine, if you will, 9-11 times a thousand. Remember how bad 9-11 times one hundred was? Well this is worse. TEN TIMES worse.

Spottswoode

Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 9-11 times a thousand.

Sarah

Jesus, you mean...?

Spottswoode

Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

Clip 8

There may be no "i" in Team but there certainly IS an "i" in Team America. Something that Spottswoode would have done well to remember.

Spottswoode

Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no I in Team America.

Computer

Yes there is.

Clip 9

There are three types of people according to a grizzled but wise man in a bar. Dicks, Pu**ies and A**holes. And basically... well, let's let him explain it.

Gary

I hurt people. I'm a d*ck.

Grizzled Man

Well, uh being a d*ck ain't so bad. See, there are three kinds of people; d*cks, pu**ies and a**holes. Pu**ies think everyone can get along and d*cks just want to fu*k all the time without thinkin' it through. But then you got your a**holes, Chuck. And all the a**holes want is to sh*t all over everything. So pu**ies may get mad at d*cks once in a while because... pu**ies get fu*ked by d*cks. But d*cks also fu*k a**holes, Chuck! And if they didn't fu*k the a**holes, you know what you'd get?? You'd get your d*ck and your pu**y all covered in sh*t!

Gary

[Vomits all over the floor]

Clip 10

What does a man have to do to earn trust around here? What? He has to... really? That? I'll pass, thanks.

Spottswoode

All right. I'll trust you. But only if you... will perform oral sex on me.

Gary

What?

Spottswoode

Right here, right now.

Gary

You can't be serious.

Spottswoode

Oh, I am serious. Look...

[Points to his own face]

... this is my serious face.

Clip 11

Gary has "proved himself" to Spottswoode. And now Spottswoode is keen to explain to the rest of the team that Gary is trustworthy. And that he earned that trust by... yeah. That.

Spottswoode

Now hold on, team. Gary has already proven to me that he is one hundred percent committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my c*ck!

Clip 12

Spottswoode is now explaining how "trustworthy" Gary is to a packed theatre. There's no escaping this, Gary. Once you've taken one for the team, you've always taken one for the team.

Spottswoode

Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's c*ck in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that c*ck right in his mouth.