12 MP3 Audio clips from Office Christmas Party (2016)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

There's always one in every company. And at Zenotec, it's Mary. She's the Human Resources manager that everyone loves to hate. Especially at Christmas.

Mary

Hey, Megan. I thought that I had been clear about the number of buttons that can be unbuttoned on a shirt.

Meghan

You're serious about that?

Mary

It's Winter. Can we put Dancer and Prancer back in their stable?

Clip 2

Nate has a girlfriend. She's not real but he can't stop talking about her. Which is an endless source of amusement for his co-workers.

Tim

Hey, so... um, are you going to be inviting your fake girlfriend to the holiday party later? I mean I just want to make sure you have time to inflate her.

[Laughs]

Nate

Okay, Becca's real and... and we're not going to mix business with pleasure.

Drew

Sounds like you didn't invite her, dude.

Tim

Oh my God, did you not... oh no. I mean, uh, I hope she's not imaginary p*ssed and giving more imaginary blowjobs.

[The pair laugh]

Clip 3

Tracey has commandeered Josh's office and changed the code to the door. He's not happy. He is, after all, her boss.

Tracey

Yo, Josh... what the fu*k?

Josh

What the fu*k, Tracey? Did you change the security code without telling me?

Tracey

Yeah, I'm working on sensitive sh*t and I don't want prying eyes.

Josh

I'm prying eyes? I'm your supervisor.

[He uses his hands to indicate the disparity in their rank]

Chief Technical Officer... Lead Systems Engineer.

Tracey

Yeah, well I'm the only one who knows how to hack the security panel so...

[She copies his hand gesture]

suck... my d*ck.

Josh

Nice. Okay.

Clip 4

Josh has a meeting with Clay. Allison is Clay's secretary. And she's on the phone to her children.

Allison

Oh, Sweetie. That is so great! Mommy's so proud of you. Hey, can you put your Daddy back on the phone for a second?

Josh

Hey, Allison. Is he ready?

Allison

[Into the phone]

You fu*king mother-fu*ker. If I hear you let your stripper girlfriend put my children on her motorcycle one more time, I will Gone Girl you so hard.

[Whispers to Josh]

Go ahead.

Clip 5

Clay and Josh are walking. Clay spots the Clark Street Bridge raising and there's something he just has to ask. Right in the middle of their conversation.

Clay

Hey, how fast do you think you'd have to go to make that jump?

Josh

Uhhh, boy, I dunno... in a car?

Clay

Yeah.

Josh

I never thought about that. You know, your mind's like a drunk baby?

Clip 6

Clay and Josh are shopping for Christmas presents for the staff. Clay has a great idea. A great idea. Inappropriate? Sure. But great? Well, no, actually.

Clay

Okay, what about this, right?

[Rubbing the "massager" on his neck]

Everybody gets stressed at work around this time of year.

Josh

Huh! That could get you a sexual harassment suit.

Clay

What? Why?

Josh

Not everyone likes dildos for Christmas.

Clay

This isn't a dildo. It's a body massager.

Josh

Yeah, well it's a circumcised purple penis. It could be considered sexual.

Clip 7

Nothing calls a halt to a board meeting like a fart. A bottom burp. A Bronx cheer. You get the picture.

Clay

Six point five percent is not failing.

Carol

Yes it is.

Clay

We're doing better than Orlando. I mean half of those jackoffs had mono last year, right?

Carol

Well I closed the Orlando branch...

[Taps her pen on the desk]

...this morning.

Clay

[After a pause]

What?

[There's the sound of a fart from somewhere around the table]

Mary

[Looking embarrassed]

I am sorry. Dammit. I hate tension and I... I farted.

Clip 8

The rumours of redundancy are spreading. It's time that Clay and Josh stepped in to quell them and reassure the staff.

Clay

Nobody's losing their jobs.

Josh

Yup.

Clay

That is a Josh and Clay Christmas promise.

Jeremy

YOUR PROMISES ARE DOG SH*T!

Clip 9

We're back to the lovely (but imaginary) Becca again. Nate is running out of options because she's been invited to the party.

Tim

Significant others are welcome at the party. Look at that. Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca.

Nate

Yeah. Um, oh... shoot. Uh, except she's working late tonight... modelling.

Tim

Is... is she shooting the, uh... cover of Bullsh*t Magazine?

[He and Drew laugh]

Clip 10

Desperate times... Nate has booked an Escort to accompany him to the Christmas party and pretend to be "Becca" for the evening.

Nate

Savannah?

Savannah

I think you mean "Becca", right?

Nate

[Laughs awkwardly]

Um... I'm gonna be honest, I've never done this before. Although my Mom and I have watched Pretty Woman like a million times.

Savannah

Oh I love that movie. It's why I'm doing this.

Nate

Oh wow!

Savannah

Yeah.

Nate

Feels kinda dirty.

Savannah

You feel dirty? You're my third client tonight and it's only nine p.m.

Clip 11

Carol is in the first class lounge at O'Hare waiting for her flight. Opposite her is a little girl named Darcy. Darcy has eaten Carol's cinnabon.

Carol

Did you eat my cinnabon?

Darcy

[Shakes her head but has a mouthful of food and sugar on her lips]

No.

Carol

Where's your mother?

Darcy

Bathroom.

Carol

What's your name, sweetie?

Darcy

Darcy.

Carol

Oh.

[Pretending to make a call on her iPhone]

Hi, Santa! Yes, Carol Vanstone. I'm here with Darcy... I know. Terrible name. And she's being a little sh*t here in the first class lounge. So I think we should cancel all of her Christmas presents this year. Yeah and while she's asleep, why don't you take that doll, too?

[Darcy holds her rag doll closer]

Great. Bye.

[Leaning toward DARCY and whispering]

Fu*k you!

Clip 12

Mary. She's a paragon of virtue. A pillar of decency and equality. And she's fu*king nuts.

Mary

Last year I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.

Josh

Against yourself?

Mary

Mmm. Andrew? In the copy room? He was changing the toner and I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did. And then I said, "If you don't fu*k me, buster, I will ruin you."