11 MP3 Audio clips from Zombieland: Double Tap (2019)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

The team have rocked up to the White House, abandoned by the President and his staff since they were presumably eaten by zombies. Tallahassee can't help but mark the occasion with a speech.

Tallahassee

Hail to the mother-fu*king Chief!

Columbus

[Monologue]

There are worst places to hang your hat.

Tallahassee

Casa Blanca!

Wichita

Wait. Why does he get to be president?

Tallahassee

Well, I think I would've made a damned fine president. Kissed a few hands, shook a few babies.

Wichita

You would've brought a real dignity to the office.

Tallahassee

Thank you.

Clip 2

It's November but in a world without rules, every day can be Christmas Day. And it is. At least in Tallahassee's world. He's dressed as Santa Claus and has gifts for everyone.

Tallahassee

Hello-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

Little Rock

Pray tell...

Tallahassee

Santa. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

[He pats his lap]

A pony?

Little Rock

No, I'd actually really like you to stop calling me "little girl".

Tallahassee

Well, technically, you are little and you're a girl.

Columbus

[Sitting on SANTA'S knee]

Well, I... I am not a little girl, Santa but do you know what I would like?

Tallahassee

[Pushing COLUMBUS off]

I don't give a fu*k what you'd like.

Clip 3

Madison has been alone for years. Devoid of male company. And then along comes Columbus and if he thinks she's going to pass up the chance for a little "nookie", he's very much mistaken.

Madison

Okay, look. I've been alone, in a freezer, for years so either we're doing this, right now or I'm biting the bullet and I am doing the old guy.

Clip 4

Wichita is bringing Tallahassee and Columbus up-to-date on events since she and Little Rock ran out on them in the middle of the night leaving only a bad note behind.

Wichita

We picked up someone new. Just a boy. He's a couple of years older than Little Rock. And he, um, he's from Berklee.

Tallahassee

Berklee?

Wichita

Mmm hmm.

Tallahassee

You said "Berklee"?

Wichita

Yes.

Tallahassee

Berk-fu*king-lee.

Wichita

He... he plays the... guitar.

Tallahassee

Shut the fu*k up, right now. I know what you're about to tell me. She's dating... a MUSICIAN!

Columbus

Hey, come on dude. Don't you think you're like over-reacting maybe, like, a little bit?

Tallahassee

Yeah, yeah, no, I could... I could be... uh, over-reacting. I'm sorry. You're right. You go ahead.

Wichita

And he's a pacifist. He has survived on a strict policy of conflict avoidance. Like Gandhi.

Tallahassee

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Clip 5

Columbus has his rules. Rules to live by. Rules for survival. Tallahassee doesn't have any rules. But he's thinking of making one of his own.

Tallahassee

You know... it takes a real man to drive a pink Cadillac. I'll make that a rule of my own.

[He considers this for a moment]

Second thought, fu*k that. Rules are for pu**ies. Nothin' personal.

Columbus

How could that not be personal? That's, like, my whole thing.

Tallahassee

Yeah, you're right. It was personal.

Clip 6

It's the newly-formed team's first run-in with zombies. The others know what they're doing. Madison doesn't know how she can help. She asks Tallahassee.

Tallahassee

You know how cheerleaders form a pyramid?

Madison

Yeah.

Tallahassee

And you know how three on the bottom anchor the pyramid?

Madison

Oh, yeah.

Tallahassee

I don't give a sh*t what you do. Just stay out of my way.

Columbus

Okay, eight o'clock. Eight o'clock.

[The shooting begins]

Clip 7

It's the big Albuquerque / Tallahassee showdown. The latter has been using the former's driveway which, clearly, is a metaphor. A metaphor for something actually belonging to Nevada.

Albuquerque

That's right. My driveway.

Tallahassee

Well, that's funny. When I parked in it, no-one told me to pull out.

Nevada

Well, actually it's my driveway.

Albuquerque

Hey, Nevada. But, see... when I'm in town, I use it.

Tallahassee

Well, I'm in town now and I'm using it.

Nevada

Keep talking like this and I can arrange so neither of you ever uses my driveway... again.

Columbus

I don't think they're talking about the actual driveway.

Wichita

Mmmmmm, no. I don't think so.

Clip 8

And the rivalry continues. Tallahassee has taken off the Elvis onesie and is relieved that his circulation has returned to normal having been so constricted for so long.

Tallahassee

Ooooh, that onesie was starting to cut off my circulation.

Albuquerque

To your vagina?

Clip 9

And now we're reduced to boasting about how good our partners are in a squeeze. And no. That's not a euphemism.

Tallahassee

Yeah, you know... Tubbs to my Crockett over here, he may look a little bookish but he is an animal, too. He eats zombies for breakfast, sh*ts 'em out by lunch.

Wichita

He sh*ts out everything by lunch.

Clip 10

They've made it to Babylon, an oasis of calm in a festering sea of zombies. A bearded civil war reenacter feels it's necessary to lay down the ground rules.

Bearded Guy

Just so you guys know, there's no group sex.

[The team look a little shocked that someone would even need to point this out]

Okay, fine... group sex.

Tallahassee

Nooooo!

Wichita

No.

Clip 11

It's time for the final show-down. Tallahassee has an inspirational line. But it's old. He needs a new one.

Tallahassee

Time to nut up or shut up.

Wichita

You need a new line.

Tallahassee

Let's kick some d*cks.

Wichita

Just because it rhymes doesn't make it a great catchphrase.

Tallahassee

What's her problem?