13 MP3 Audio clips from 21 Jump Street (2012)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

Schmidt & Jenko are busting some druggies in the city park. Jenko really needs to work on his "tough talk" because it's not portraying the right message.

Schmidt

Why don't you show us a little respect?

Druggie

Fu*k you, pig.

Jenko

Hey! You want me to beat your d*ck off?

Druggie

You want to beat my d*ck off?

Jenko

I'll beat your d*ck off with both hands. Wassup? Let's go.

Druggie

That's weird, man.

Schmidt

I think what he was trying to say was he's going to punch you so many times around the genital area that...that your d*ck's just gonna fall off.

Clip 2

The bust having gone South badly, Deputy Chief Hardy has a plan for these two rookies. He's sending them undercover. To 21 Jump Street.

Deputy Hardy

We're reviving a cancelled undercover police programme from the 80s and revamping it for modern times. Y'see, the guys in charge of this stuff lack creativity and are completely out of ideas. So all they do now is recycle sh*t from the past and expect us all not to notice. One of these programmes involves the use of young, immature seeming officers.

Jenko

Sir, are you saying that you're gonna send us into like a child sex slavery ring or something?

Schmidt

Sir, if I have to suck somebody's d*ck, I will. It's just, I'd prefer not to.

Deputy Hardy

I think you idiots are perfect.

Clip 3

The chosen ones are sat in the abandoned church at 21 Jump Street awaiting their briefing from the stereo-typically angry Captain Dickson.

Captain Dickson

Everybody comfortable?

Schmidt

Yeah.

Captain Dickson

Get your... MOTHER FU*KIN' ASS UP WHEN I'M TALKING! You will be going undercover as high school students. You are here simply because you look young. You're some Justin Beaver (sic), Miley Cyrus lookin' mother fu*kers.

Schmidt

[Whispering to JENKO]

Captain's sassy!

Clip 4

Captain Dickson is outlining the rules of engagement for this particular operation. Rule 2 is particularly applicable to Jenko.

Captain Dickson

Rule number two, Burns.

Burns

Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.

Captain Dickson

You hear that?

[Pointing at JENKO]

That's you. Don't do it, man. Keep that dirty d*ck in your pants. Don't fu*k no students, don't fu*k no teachers...

Schmidt

Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady killers but I promise you we'll be super professional on the job.

Captain Dickson

Clearly I wasn't talkin' to you, big titties. You cherub-looking mother fu*ker!

Clip 5

It's time to give Schmidt & Jenko their undercover identities. Captain Dickson has tailored them to match the rookies sat in from of him. Which means that Schmidt is sh*t out of luck.

Captain Dickson

Schmidt. Says you were a virgin through high school.

Schmidt

It says that?

Captain Dickson

No. I just assumed it due to your many years on the honour roll and your membership to the juggling squad.

Schmidt

It's the "Juggling Society" but... it's fine. It's fine.

Clip 6

Schmidt's parents have a shrine to him on their living room wall. Some of the photographs are very embarrassing.

Schmidt

Can we get rid of this stuff? I mean it looks like I died in a car crash and you guys haven't moved on.

David Schmidt

If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.

Schmidt

[Pointing to one of the photographs]

I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years. But completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets.

Annie Schmidt

That is a great picture, Morton.

Jenko

Mmmm. You look like a young Jay Leno.

Schmidt

Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?

Annie Schmidt

Ummm...

Schmidt

No. I remember. You know why? Because I've told it to a therapist about eight thousand times.

Jenko

[Sniggers]

Clip 7

The first morning undercover at the high school. Time to make friends and build links. But Jenko has one rule. He won't be bettered by anyone. It's a sign of weakness. Apparently.

Sanders

Who you callin' "Nerd", man?

Jenko

I'm sorry, what was...

[He punches SANDERS hard in the face and the kid drops]

Eric

[To SANDERS]

Hey, you okay man?

[To JENKO]

What the hell... are you serious?

Jenko

Turn that gay-ass music off.

Sanders

You punched me because I'm gay?

Jenko

What? No. I... oh come on.

Schmidt

That's not cool, man.

Eric

That is really insensitive.

Jenko

I didn't punch him because he's gay. I punched him and then he's happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.

Sanders

I WAS GAY WHEN YOU PUNCHED ME!

Clip 8

The boys have inadvertently swapped identities which means that Schmidt is stuck in drama class. But he has a lead and he's texting details to Jenko. The drama teacher notices.

Mr. Gordon

[Sighs]

New person. "Mr. Texty Texty". Since you have so much to say to Molly... let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy. You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.

Clip 9

Schmidt & Jenko have had to take a dose of the synthetic drug they're trying to eliminate. Now they have to make themselves sick to avoid the potentially fatal effects. But it's not easy.

Schmidt

You gotta throw up, man.

Jenko

I can't!

Schmidt

That kid Billiam died. You gotta throw up. Just think of something gross. Think of something gross.

Jenko

You fu*king think of something.

Schmidt

Okay, uhhhh... your grandma's vagina and there's a d*ck going into it...

Jenko

What the fu*k?

Schmidt

I'M JUST TRYING... I'M TRYING.

Jenko

OH, COME ON MAN.

Schmidt

I WAS TRYING.

Jenko

Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.

Schmidt

NO!

Jenko

Yeah.

Clip 10

Schmidt has called Molly. He's falling for her. He has to pretend to be a teenager on the phone. But how much of this isn't, in fact, reality?

Schmidt

I'm sorry. My mom's such a d*ck. Urgh, she just like... smothers me with affection. It makes me feel like I'm five years-old.

Molly

Wow. You're a... a sharer. I dig that. Well, I'm eighteen years-old and my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.

Schmidt

There was this one month where she bought me forty-three stuffed animals. The doctor thought I was going to spontaneously grow a vagina. I didn't, though. Just to be clear.

Molly

[Laughs]

Yeah, because you already had one.

Schmidt

Exactly. I already had one. And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.

Molly

Although you could use one as a coin purse.

Clip 11

Rumours abound that Schmidt & Jenko are throwing a party at the home of Schmidt's parents. It's true but they can't admit it.

Captain Dickson

Are y'all throwing a party?

Jenko

What?

Captain Dickson

There's rumours. In the Twittersphere. And if any of my officers are caught giving alcohol to minors, they'll find their self in prison. With a snorkel duct-taped to their mouth. And me... sh*ttin' down that snorkel.

Schmidt

It's extremely vivid. Thank you.

Clip 12

Remember the "Naked Fred Savage" photograph from earlier? Well, after the party, Schmidt's mother finds that it's been the victim of graffiti. She's not at all happy about it.

Annie Schmidt

"I love d*ck"? You think that's funny? "Wonder Years Douche"? What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into an eight-year-old's mouth?

Jenko

Arguably a... like airplane... throwing up.

Annie Schmidt

You think I don't know that's a d*ck and balls? I know all about d*ck and balls. I partied with Robert Downey Junior before he got sober, when he was really fu*ked up and a lot of fun!

Clip 13

Some of the drug gang are, in fact, undercover DEA. Including Tom Hanson. Played by Johnny Depp. He's not even credited! What a cameo.

Druggie

You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man.

Tom Hanson

Tough tittie. I fu*ked her too.

Druggie

What?!