9 MP3 Audio clips from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)
South Park has always been renowned for its willingness to address the most controversial issues in the form of vulgar comedy. This movie, released in 1999 is no exception. Can Eric, Kenny, Kyle and Stan save Terrance & Phillip from execution after they are blamed for warping the minds of American children and making obscene profanity popular at schools?
South Park has always been renowned for its willingness to address the most controversial issues in the form of vulgar comedy. This movie, released in 1999 is no exception. Can Eric, Kenny, Kyle and Stan save Terrance & Phillip from execution after they are blamed for warping the minds of American children and making obscene profanity popular at schools?
The boys are watching Terrance & Phillip: Asses of Fire. It attracts mixed reviews from the shocked audience.
Phillip
Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist?
Terrance
I don't know, Phillip, what?
[PHILLIP farts on TERRANCE'S face and they both laugh]
Stan
Where do they come up with this stuff?
Terrance
You're such a pigfu*ker, Phillip!
[The boys gasp]
Kyle
What did he say?
Phillip
Terrance, why would you call me a pigfu*ker?
Terrance
Well, let's see, first of all, you fu*k pigs!
Phillip
Oh yeah!
[They both giggle]
Terrance
Well, fu*k my ass and call me a b**ch!
[They both giggle again]
Phillip
Oh, you sh*t-faced c*ck-master!
The Boys
[In unison]
Wow!
Cartman
Sh*t-faced c*ck-master...
Terrance
Listen, you donkey-raping sh*t-eater...
Kyle
Donkey-raping sh*t-eater...
Ike
Dobee babing sheet-eater.
Terrance
You'd fu*k your uncle!
Phillip
You'd fu*k your uncle!
[TERRANCE & PHILLIP launch into their song "Uncle Fu*ker", the lyrics of which are fairly self-explanatory]
Clip 2
It's the boys' first lesson at school since watching Asses of Fire. You just know that things are going to go awry pretty damned quickly.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is 5 times 2?
[Nobody volunteers an answer]
Come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.
[CLYDE raises his hand]
Yes, Clyde?
Clyde
12?
Mr. Garrison
Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
Kyle
[Raising his hand]
I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
Cartman
[Mocking KYLE]
Muh muh muh muh muh muh, muh muh muh.
Kyle
Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman
Ay! Don't call me fat, you fu*king Jew!
Mr. Garrison
Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman
...Jew?
Kyle
No, he's talking about "fu*k". You can't say "fu*k" in school, you fu*king fatass!
Mr. Garrison
Kyle!
Cartman
Why the fu*k not?
Mr. Garrison
Eric!
Stan
Dude, you just said "fu*k" again!
Mr. Garrison
Stanley!
Kenny
[Muffled]
Fu*k!
Mr. Garrison
Kenny!
Cartman
What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fu*k-fu*kity-fu*k-fu*k-fu*k.
Mr. Garrison
How would you like to go see the school counsellor?
Cartman
How would you like to suck my balls?
[The class collectively gasps]
Mr. Garrison
What did you say?!
Cartman
Oh, I... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[He picks up a bullhorn, turns it on, and speaks]
"How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
Clip 3
Mr. Mackey has called the parents of the boys into school to discuss their propensity for profanity.
Mr. Mackey
Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
Sharon
This just isn't like you, Stanley.
Sheila
What did my son say, Mr. Mackey? Did he say the S-word?
Mr. Mackey
No, it was worse than that.
Sheila
The F-word?!
Mr. Mackey
Well, here's a short list of the things they've been saying, m'kay?
Sharon
Oh, dear God...
Sheila
What the heck is a "rimjob"?
Liane
Oh, why that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.
Clip 4
A meeting is being held at the UN building to discuss the fate of Terrance & Phillip, currently held by the Government and facing execution for the crime of corrupting America's children.
U.S. Ambassador
Terrance and Phillip will not be released! They are going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.
Canadian Minister
The fuss is aboot taking our citizens! It's aboot not censoring our art. It's aboot...
[The AMERICAN DELEGATES begin to laugh]
It's aboot... What's so goddamn funny?!
U.S. Ambassador
N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?
Canadian Minister
This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity...
[The AMERICAN DELEGATES chuckle]
This is aboot respect. This is about realising that humour is...
[The AMERICAN DELEGATES laugh again]
Canadian Minister
You guys are d*cks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot!
[The AMERICAN DELEGATES are laughing so hard they begin falling off their chairs]
Clip 5
Another lesson at South Park Elementary. Mr. Garrison has an agenda, but it isn't his. He's not at all happy about it.
Mr. Garrison
All right, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.
Stan
Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?
Class
Yeah!
Bill
That's.. that's gay.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.
Wendy
[Whispering to GREGORY]
Not cool.
Gregory
Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
Mr. Garrison
Well I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Clip 6
It's a meeting of Mothers Against Canada. Doctor Vosknocker is at the podium, about to demonstrate his new "V-Chip" to control profanity in children.
Dr. Vosknocker
Patient B-5, would you step out here, please?
[CARTMAN enters dressed in a white robe and shower cap]
Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.
Cartman
Ow, my head hurts.
Dr. Vosknocker
Don't worry about that.
[Produces some flash cards]
Now, I want you to say, "Doggy."
Cartman
Doggy.
Dr. Vosknocker
Notice that nothing happens. Now say, "Montana."
Cartman
Montana.
Dr. Vosknocker
Good! Now, "Pillow."
Cartman
Pillow.
Dr. Vosknocker
All right! Now, I want you to say, "Horse-fu*ker."
Liane
Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
Cartman
Horse-fu*k-aaagh! bzzzt Ow!
[The parents gasp]
That hurt, Goddam-aaagh! bzzzt Ow! Fu*k-aaagh! bzzzt Hey!
Dr. Vosknocker
Now I'd like you to say, "Big floppy donkey d*ck."
Cartman
NO!
Dr. Vosknocker
Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
[The parents cheer]
Cartman
This isn't fair, you sons of b**ches-aaagh! bzzzt Ow!
Sheila
We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week!
[The parents cheer]
Clip 7
The boys have decided that action must be taken to save Terrance & Phillip. A call to arms is required. And what better way to make it than the internet?
Kyle
Okay. We can use my dad's computer to call all the kids together.
[Logs on]
Stan
Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, "clitoris."
Kyle
Oh, okay.
[Types in the word]
"Found eight million pages with the word, clitoris."
Stan
Wow!
Kyle
I'll just try the first one.
[Clicks mouse]
"You must be eighteen to enter this website." Okay.
[Clicks mouse]
"Welcome to 'German Sick Fetish Video.' If you are under eighteen, do not..." well, okay.
Male German
Du hast Scheiße gern.
[Translates as "You like sh*t?"]
Kyle
Dude! It's a lady getting pooed on!
Stan
Woah! Is it Cartman's mom?
Cartman
Oh, very funny.
Kyle
Hey! It is Cartman's mom!
Male German
Essen mein Scheiße.
[Translates literally as "Eat my sh*t."]
Liane
All righty, then!
Cartman
Aw, son of a b**ch! bzzzt Ow!
Ike
[Entering room]
Ba ba ba ba.
Kyle
Get outta here, Ike! You're too young for this stuff!
Ike
Bull-sh*tter.
Stan
What's he doing, now?
Male German
Essen ihr Scheiße!
[Translates literally as "Eat her sh*t."]
Liane
Okey-dokey!
The Boys
[In unison]
Aawww!
Male German
Schmeckt gut, ja?
[Translates literally as "Tastes good, yes?"]
Clip 8
Mr. Garrison has signed up to fight Canada. He's sat at the US Army Anti-Canada Control Headquarters.
Mr. Garrison
Yeah! This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.
[He produces "MR. HAT", his glove puppet]
Mr. Hat
It sure does, Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, boy. I can't wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some fu*kin' poontang.
Clip 9
It's the USO Show. The audience is assembled, Terrance & Phillip are in their electric chairs on the stage and Big Gay Al is presenting.
Big Gay Al
Super! In the meantime, here's pint-sized pixie and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder!
[A helicopter touches down and she exits onto the stage]
Winona Ryder
Hi, guys!
[A single soldier applauds and shouts out, rather weakly]
I'm super-psyched to be here today. What you're doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war, man. Wow. War. You know? Wow. Okay! And now for your enjoyment, here's my famous ping pong ball trick!
[No explanation is required really but let's just say that WINONA RYDER is firing ping pong balls into the audience. And not using her hands]