9 MP3 Audio clips from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

PLAY ALL 9 CLIPS

Clip 1

The boys are watching Terrance & Phillip: Asses of Fire. It attracts mixed reviews from the shocked audience.

Phillip

Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist?

Terrance

I don't know, Phillip, what?

[PHILLIP farts on TERRANCE'S face and they both laugh]

Stan

Where do they come up with this stuff?

Terrance

You're such a pigfu*ker, Phillip!

[The boys gasp]

Kyle

What did he say?

Phillip

Terrance, why would you call me a pigfu*ker?

Terrance

Well, let's see, first of all, you fu*k pigs!

Phillip

Oh yeah!

[They both giggle]

Terrance

Well, fu*k my ass and call me a b**ch!

[They both giggle again]

Phillip

Oh, you sh*t-faced c*ck-master!

The Boys

[In unison]

Wow!

Cartman

Sh*t-faced c*ck-master...

Terrance

Listen, you donkey-raping sh*t-eater...

Kyle

Donkey-raping sh*t-eater...

Ike

Dobee babing sheet-eater.

Terrance

You'd fu*k your uncle!

Phillip

You'd fu*k your uncle!

[TERRANCE & PHILLIP launch into their song "Uncle Fu*ker", the lyrics of which are fairly self-explanatory]

Clip 2

It's the boys' first lesson at school since watching Asses of Fire. You just know that things are going to go awry pretty damned quickly.

Mr. Garrison

Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is 5 times 2?

[Nobody volunteers an answer]

Come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.

[CLYDE raises his hand]

Yes, Clyde?

Clyde

12?

Mr. Garrison

Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.

Kyle

[Raising his hand]

I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.

Cartman

[Mocking KYLE]

Muh muh muh muh muh muh, muh muh muh.

Kyle

Shut up, fat boy!

Cartman

Ay! Don't call me fat, you fu*king Jew!

Mr. Garrison

Eric, did you just say the F-word?

Cartman

...Jew?

Kyle

No, he's talking about "fu*k". You can't say "fu*k" in school, you fu*king fatass!

Mr. Garrison

Kyle!

Cartman

Why the fu*k not?

Mr. Garrison

Eric!

Stan

Dude, you just said "fu*k" again!

Mr. Garrison

Stanley!

Kenny

[Muffled]

Fu*k!

Mr. Garrison

Kenny!

Cartman

What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fu*k-fu*kity-fu*k-fu*k-fu*k.

Mr. Garrison

How would you like to go see the school counsellor?

Cartman

How would you like to suck my balls?

[The class collectively gasps]

Mr. Garrison

What did you say?!

Cartman

Oh, I... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...

[He picks up a bullhorn, turns it on, and speaks]

"How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"

Clip 3

Mr. Mackey has called the parents of the boys into school to discuss their propensity for profanity.

Mr. Mackey

Thank you all for coming on such short notice.

Sharon

This just isn't like you, Stanley.

Sheila

What did my son say, Mr. Mackey? Did he say the S-word?

Mr. Mackey

No, it was worse than that.

Sheila

The F-word?!

Mr. Mackey

Well, here's a short list of the things they've been saying, m'kay?

Sharon

Oh, dear God...

Sheila

What the heck is a "rimjob"?

Liane

Oh, why that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.

Clip 4

A meeting is being held at the UN building to discuss the fate of Terrance & Phillip, currently held by the Government and facing execution for the crime of corrupting America's children.

U.S. Ambassador

Terrance and Phillip will not be released! They are going to be put on trial for corrupting America's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.

Canadian Minister

The fuss is aboot taking our citizens! It's aboot not censoring our art. It's aboot...

[The AMERICAN DELEGATES begin to laugh]

It's aboot... What's so goddamn funny?!

U.S. Ambassador

N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?

Canadian Minister

This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity...

[The AMERICAN DELEGATES chuckle]

This is aboot respect. This is about realising that humour is...

[The AMERICAN DELEGATES laugh again]

Canadian Minister

You guys are d*cks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot!

[The AMERICAN DELEGATES are laughing so hard they begin falling off their chairs]

Clip 5

Another lesson at South Park Elementary. Mr. Garrison has an agenda, but it isn't his. He's not at all happy about it.

Mr. Garrison

All right, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.

Stan

Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?

Class

Yeah!

Bill

That's.. that's gay.

Mr. Garrison

Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.

Wendy

[Whispering to GREGORY]

Not cool.

Gregory

Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.

Mr. Garrison

Well I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Clip 6

It's a meeting of Mothers Against Canada. Doctor Vosknocker is at the podium, about to demonstrate his new "V-Chip" to control profanity in children.

Dr. Vosknocker

Patient B-5, would you step out here, please?

[CARTMAN enters dressed in a white robe and shower cap]

Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.

Cartman

Ow, my head hurts.

Dr. Vosknocker

Don't worry about that.

[Produces some flash cards]

Now, I want you to say, "Doggy."

Cartman

Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker

Notice that nothing happens. Now say, "Montana."

Cartman

Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker

Good! Now, "Pillow."

Cartman

Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker

All right! Now, I want you to say, "Horse-fu*ker."

Liane

Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Cartman

Horse-fu*k-aaagh! bzzzt Ow!

[The parents gasp]

That hurt, Goddam-aaagh! bzzzt Ow! Fu*k-aaagh! bzzzt Hey!

Dr. Vosknocker

Now I'd like you to say, "Big floppy donkey d*ck."

Cartman

NO!

Dr. Vosknocker

Success! The child doesn't want to swear!

[The parents cheer]

Cartman

This isn't fair, you sons of b**ches-aaagh! bzzzt Ow!

Sheila

We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week!

[The parents cheer]

Clip 7

The boys have decided that action must be taken to save Terrance & Phillip. A call to arms is required. And what better way to make it than the internet?

Kyle

Okay. We can use my dad's computer to call all the kids together.

[Logs on]

Stan

Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, "clitoris."

Kyle

Oh, okay.

[Types in the word]

"Found eight million pages with the word, clitoris."

Stan

Wow!

Kyle

I'll just try the first one.

[Clicks mouse]

"You must be eighteen to enter this website." Okay.

[Clicks mouse]

"Welcome to 'German Sick Fetish Video.' If you are under eighteen, do not..." well, okay.

Male German

Du hast Scheiße gern.

[Translates as "You like sh*t?"]

Kyle

Dude! It's a lady getting pooed on!

Stan

Woah! Is it Cartman's mom?

Cartman

Oh, very funny.

Kyle

Hey! It is Cartman's mom!

Male German

Essen mein Scheiße.

[Translates literally as "Eat my sh*t."]

Liane

All righty, then!

Cartman

Aw, son of a b**ch! bzzzt Ow!

Ike

[Entering room]

Ba ba ba ba.

Kyle

Get outta here, Ike! You're too young for this stuff!

Ike

Bull-sh*tter.

Stan

What's he doing, now?

Male German

Essen ihr Scheiße!

[Translates literally as "Eat her sh*t."]

Liane

Okey-dokey!

The Boys

[In unison]

Aawww!

Male German

Schmeckt gut, ja?

[Translates literally as "Tastes good, yes?"]

Clip 8

Mr. Garrison has signed up to fight Canada. He's sat at the US Army Anti-Canada Control Headquarters.

Mr. Garrison

Yeah! This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.

[He produces "MR. HAT", his glove puppet]

Mr. Hat

It sure does, Mr. Garrison!

Mr. Garrison

Oh, boy. I can't wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some fu*kin' poontang.

Clip 9

It's the USO Show. The audience is assembled, Terrance & Phillip are in their electric chairs on the stage and Big Gay Al is presenting.

Big Gay Al

Super! In the meantime, here's pint-sized pixie and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder!

[A helicopter touches down and she exits onto the stage]

Winona Ryder

Hi, guys!

[A single soldier applauds and shouts out, rather weakly]

I'm super-psyched to be here today. What you're doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war, man. Wow. War. You know? Wow. Okay! And now for your enjoyment, here's my famous ping pong ball trick!

[No explanation is required really but let's just say that WINONA RYDER is firing ping pong balls into the audience. And not using her hands]

Big Gay Al

Oh, my!