11 MP3 Audio clips from The Man with Two Brains (1983)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Doctor Hfuhruhurr has invited a reporter named Olsen to shadow him, both at work and at home. As they're driving home from the hospital, the interview continues.

Hfuhruhurr

Would you read that back to me? I'm afraid that might make me sound pompous to your readers.

Olsen

Uh... "My brilliant research in brain transplantation is unsurpassed and will probably make my name live beyond eternity."

Hfuhruhurr

No, that's all right. Take out the "probably", it makes me sound wishy-washy.

Olsen

Doctor Furrier...

Hfuhruhurr

It's Hfuhruhurr.

Olsen

I'm sorry.

Hfuhruhurr

That's all right. A lot of people mispronounce it. But it sounds just the way it's spelled. H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R. Hfuhruhurr.

Clip 2

Hfuhruhurr has hit Dolores with his car. She needs medical assistance. Luckily there's a by-stander who can summon the help that she needs.

Hfuhruhurr

Little girl?

Little Girl

Yes, sir?

Hfuhruhurr

I want you to do something very important, all right?

Little Girl

Okay.

Hfuhruhurr

I want you to run home and I want you to call the E.R. of North Bank General Hospital, 932-1000. Tell them to set up OR6 immediately and contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Have him send an ambulance with a paramedic crew, light IV, D5NW-KVO. You got it?

Little Girl

E.R. North Bank General Hospital 932-1000. Setup OR6. Contact anesthesiologist Isadore Turek 472-2112 beep 12. Ambulance with paramedics and light IV, D5NW and KVO.

Hfuhruhurr

That's good.

Little Girl

Sounds like a subdural haematoma to me.

Hfuhruhurr

Oh it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose!

Little Girl

But I thought...

Hfuhruhurr

You thought, you thought... just go!

Clip 3

Right before performing Dolores' life-saving surgery, Hfuhruhurr is summoned to see Doctor Brandon who has grave concerns.

Hfuhruhurr

You wanted to see me, Doctor Brandon?

Doctor Brandon

Ah, yes... Michael. This operation which you are about to perform I feel is very ill-advised. No surgeon should ever operate on a patient that he has personally injured. It would make him too emotionally involved.

Hfuhruhurr

Don't you think I'm aware of that? But there's only one other person I'd trust to perform this operation. Beckerman.

Doctor Brandon

But Doctor Beckerman was murdered in Europe. You know that.

Hfuhruhurr

Exactly! Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away.

Clip 4

Hfuhruhurr has returned home having fallen head-over-heels for Dolores. He looks up at the portrait of his late wife and asks the question.

Hfuhruhurr

'Becca. If there's anything wrong with my feelings for Dolores, just give me a sign.

Rebecca

Nooooooooooooooo!

[The portrait begins spinning, rupturing the dry wall, knocking light fittings down and the ghost of REBECCA is heard screaming]

Hfuhruhurr

Just any kind of sign. I'll keep on the look out for it. Meanwhile, I'll just put you in the closet.

Clip 5

Hfuhruhurr has brought his newly-wed wife home. His maid and gardener are stood on the porch to greet her.

Hfuhruhurr

There it is, Darling. Your new home. The house of Hfuhruhurr.

Dolores

What are those a**holes doing on the porch?

Hfuhruhurr

[Laughing]

Those aren't a**holes. It's pronounced Azaleas!

Clip 6

Hfuhruhurr and Dolores are checking in at a hotel in Austria. Hfuhruhurr wants their "alone time" to be perfect. Perhaps he gives a little too much information.

Hfuhruhurr

Could you send up a bottle of champagne and put a do not disturb on the phone for the next... Um... Let's see, we'll go in, we'll put our bags down and start kissing. Be about seven minutes. Move into the bedroom, I'll slide my hands over her dress, maybe remove her blouse... that'll be about four or five minutes. We move over to the bed, see I want to rub each inner thigh... that would be four minutes. And so I figure, like twenty-five minutes of foreplay in general. Then you've got... I don't know if you'd call oral sex... is that foreplay or is that actual sex? Uh, it doesn't matter. I'd like to do it twice. So, at least three hours, all right?

Receptionist

Three hours. Uh, yes, sir.

[He rings the call bell and addresses the Bell Hop]

Take Mrs. Hfuhruhurr and that lucky son of a b**ch up to suite 729.

Bell Hop

Yes, sir.

Clip 7

Hfuhruhurr has arrived at the home of Dr. Necessiter and is greeted by the butler.

Hfuhruhurr

I'm Doctor Hfuhruhurr.

Butler

Doctor Fuhruhurrrrrrrrrrrr... oh, ja. You and your wife are expected for dinner.

Hfuhruhurr

My wife won't be coming.

Butler

Oh. I trust she is not ill?

Hfuhruhurr

She's not ill. She's a cheap, vulgar slut.

Butler

Ja, I have heard this.

Clip 8

Hfuhruhurr has discovered that he can communicate telepathically with a brain in a jar in Doctor Necessiter's laboratory.

Hfuhruhurr

Who are you?

Anne

Anne. Anne Uumellmahaye.

Hfuhruhurr

U-U-M-E-L-L-M-A-H-A-Y-E? Uumellmahaye?

Anne

Yes!

Clip 9

Arriving unannounced at Doctor Necessiter's home and planning on stealing Anne Uumellmahaye, the butler fetches Hfuhruhurr a drink.

Butler

Here is your drink, sir.

Hfuhruhurr

Thank you.

Butler

Now can I get you anything else, Doctor? I am about to retire.

Hfuhruhurr

Really? You seem so young.

Butler

No. I mean, retire for the night.

Hfuhruhurr

Oh, oh, no, no, thanks. I'm fine.

Clip 10

Hfuhruhurr and Dolores have reached marital showdown. She's pulled a large kitchen knife. He knees her in the groin.

Dolores

Ah! My balls... Ah! Ow! I'll get you. I'll get you for this. I'll get you for this you... nig**r, kike, wop!

Hfuhruhurr

Into the mud, scum queen!

[HFUHRUHURR throws DOLORES into a large, muddy puddle]

You'll never get a penny of that inheritance. First thing Monday, I'm donating it to cranial research for the poor.

Clip 11

Don't ever get stopped by the Polizei in Austria when you've been drinking. Their field sobriety test is a bastard.

Cop

And you? You have a little to drink too, hmm?

Hfuhruhurr

Oh, no, no, no. I dron't dink. Don't... drink!

Cop

Hmm mm. Get out of the car.

[HFUHRUHURR gets out]

Stretch out your arms and touch your nose with your finger. Now walk this white line. Halt! Come back. On your hands. One hand. Now do a rollover, turnover and flip-flop. All right, now juggle these, do a tap dance and sing the Catalina Magdalena Hoopensteiner Wallendiner song.

Hfuhruhurr

God DAMN, your drunk tests are hard!