15 MP3 Audio clips from Kick-Ass (2010)

PLAY ALL 15 CLIPS

Clip 1

Dave Lizewski explains how six months before becoming "Kick-Ass" he was just an ordinary teenager in an ordinary high school with ordinary friends.

Dave Lizewski

Not saying there was anything wrong with me. But there's nothing special either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hard-core gamer, I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or three thousand friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one.

Clip 2

Oh and did I mention that he's also brutally honest about his masturbatory habits? Like I said, he was just an average teenage boy with hormones and access to the internet!

Dave Lizewski

Sure, a lot of what got me through the average school day was making deposits in the wack-off warehouse for later. Though, to be honest, it didn't take much to set me off. I swear, when my hormones balance out, shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man.

Clip 3

Dave and his friends, Todd and Marty are sitting in a comic store, discussing why nobody has ever tried to become a superhero.

Dave

How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?

Marty

Well, I don't know... probably because it's fu*kin' impossible, Dipsh*t.

Dave

What? Putting on a mask and helping people? How's that impossible?

Todd

Well, that's no superhero though. I would have said super Super is like, being stronger than everybody and flying and sh*t. That's just hero.

Marty

No, It's not even hero, it's just fu*kin' psycho.

Todd

Hmm.

Dave

Like, thousands of people wanna be Paris Hilton, and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?

Marty

Yeah, what's with that? She has, like, no tits at all.

Todd

Maybe it's the porn tape. He doesn't have a porn tape.

Marty

You guys never saw One Night in Spider-Man?

Clip 4

Frank D'Amico has taken a break from torturing and murdering a disloyal goon to take his son, Chris, to the cinema. But they're running late.

Frank

Sorry you had to wait, buddy.

Chris

The movie is starting in ten minutes.

Frank

It's okay. We're cool. We're only going to miss the trailers.

Chris

Yeah, but I wanna get some popcorn.

Frank

[To the CHAUFFEUR]

When we get in there, get Chris some popcorn. Okay? What d'ya want to drink? You wanna Pepsi?

Chris

Yeah, that's fine.

Frank

Get him a Pepsi. And I'll have an I.C. Mixed. Like when they mix the red one and the blue one.

[There's a distant gunshot as FRANK'S goon is finally put out of his misery]

Clip 5

Damon Macready is about to demonstrate to his daughter what it feels like to take a round to the chest wearing Kevlar armour. She's understandably nervous at the prospect of being shot.

Mindy

Daddy, I'm scared.

Damon

C'mon, Mindy, honey. Be a big girl now. There's nothin' to be afraid of.

Mindy

Is it gonna hurt bad?

Damon

Oh, child. Only for a second, sugar. A handgun bullet travels at... more than?

Mindy

Seven hundred miles an...

Damon

Seven hundred miles an hour. So at close range like this, the force is gonna take you off your feet, for sure. But it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.

Mindy

I hate getting punched in the chest.

Damon

You're gonna be fine, baby doll.

[DAMON blasts MINDY in the chest with a 45mm handgun, knocking her off her feet]

Damon

All right. Up you get. C'mon. Two more rounds, and then home.

Mindy

Again?

Damon

Uh-huh.

Mindy

Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley on the way back.

Clip 6

True to his word, Damon has taken his daughter to a bowling alley for some much-needed refreshment. The conversation turns to her forthcoming birthday.

Damon

So. Have you thought a little more about what you might want? For your birthday?

Mindy

Can I get a puppy?

Damon

You want to get a dog?

Mindy

Yeah. A cuddly fluffy one. And a Bratz Moviestar Makeover Sasha.

[There's an awkward silence whilst DAMON processes what his little girl has just asked for]

[Laughs]

I'm just fu*kin' with you, Daddy. Look. I'd love a French made model-42 butterfly knife.

Damon

Oh child. You always knock me for a loop.

Clip 7

There's a rumour circulating the school that Dave is gay. He, Todd and Marty are discussing the impact and possible benefits of this.

Todd

You know, d... don't worry about it. Rumours don't mean sh*t. We know the truth. Right?

Marty

Yeah.

Dave

Yeah.

Todd

And who knows, buddy, this might even get you laid.

Marty

No, not if she thinks he's gay, Todd, you fu*kin' retard!

Clip 8

There's a very large (by which I mean overweight) gangster guarding the door to Rasul's apartment. He's somewhat amused by Kick-Ass' costume.

Gangster

[Laughs]

What the fu*k are you supposed to be? The Green Condom? You know it ain't Halloween for another few months, kid?

Clip 9

Kick-Ass is in trouble. BIG trouble. He's fired a taser into Rasul's forehead. And now Rasul and his henchmen want a piece of him. Who can save him now?

[HIT GIRL has made her first appearance, thrusting a sword through RASUL'S chest and, in the process, saving DAVE from certain death]

Hit Girl

Okay, you c*nts. Let's see what you can do now.

[She begins scanning the room for her next opponent]

Eany... Meany... Miney... Mo!

[She begins to slaughter the gangsters to the theme tune from Banana Splits]

Clip 10

Confused as to whose side Hit Girl is on, he points his spent Taser in her direction.

Hit Girl

Oh, dude. That is one gay looking Taser.

Clip 11

Big Daddy and Hit Girl have paid Dave a visit in his bedroom. They have some advice for him.

Big Daddy

Your call... but... you know we're around if you need us.

Dave

How do I get a hold of you?

Hit Girl

You just contact the Mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant c*ck.

Clip 12

Frank is on the phone to the cop he has in his back pocket, complaining about the slaughter of his men.

Frank

Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante, that's what's up.

Gigante

My condolences, Frank. But, uh, I'm afraid I can't help you out on this one. Little bit outside my jurisdiction.

Frank

Outside your jurisdiction? You're a fu*king cop and he's breaking the law! That's so inside your jurisdiction, it's balls-deep in your jurisdiction's ass!

Gigante

Listen to me... Cov pay me to nail the bad guys. You pay me not to. Everything else is in the grey area.

Frank

Yeah, fu*k you very much, Vic. Just do it, okay?

Clip 13

Big Daddy and Hit Girl have just crushed Cody in his own car. He begged pitifully for his life at the end.

Hit Girl

What a douche!

Clip 14

Frank is scared. It's time to make some plans to ensure survival.

Frank

I want this place locked down. Nobody comes in, nobody goes out. Not until somebody finds this c*cksucker and pulls his fu*kin' lungs out through his ass.

Clip 15

Her father having been murdered, Hit Girl notices the camera live-streaming his death to the world. It's time to call "cut".

Hit Girl

Show's over mother-fu*kers.

[She shoots the camera, killing the internet feed]

Todd

Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.

Marty

She looks like she's about 11 years old, but...

Todd

I can wait. I solemnly vow to save myself for her.

Marty

I can see that this'll be really difficult for you!