14 MP3 Audio clips from Paul (2011)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Graeme & Clive have popped in to a UFO themed diner in Nevada for a bite to eat. But not all patrons are as keen on Pat Stevens' choice of decoration or clientele.

Pat

Hey, fellas! How you doin' today?

Gus

What is this... some kind of gay bar?

Pat

No. Just a place where you can get a bite to eat and maybe... share a close encounter.

Jake

Yep. Sounds like a gay bar.

Clip 2

Graeme & Clive have just encountered Paul for the first time. Clive has passed out and p*ssed his pants. Graeme is the last man standing.

Graeme

Are you an alien?

Paul

To you, I am, yes.

Graeme

Are you gonna probe us?

Paul

Why.. does everyone... always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?

Graeme

Wha... ah... eh... what?

Paul

I'm sorry.

Clip 3

Clive is still out cold. Graeme is trying to get his head around having an alien in the passenger seat of the RV. An alien that he's actually talking to.

Graeme

How come... how come I can understand you? Are you using some sort of neural language router?

Paul

Actually, I'm speaking English, you fu*king idiot!

Graeme

That's... not nice.

Paul

That was mean. Um, look I'm all tense. I was just involved in a major car crash.

Graeme

That was your fault!

Paul

I can't reach the pedals. My legs are too little. I had to use the parking brake. Okay?

Clip 4

Clive is now awake and driving. But he, too, is struggling with having an alien hitchhiker on board. Especially one which is using the kitchenette to rustle up snacks and drinks for them.

Graeme

What's the matter, Clive?

Clive

There is an alien in the kitchenette making bagels and coffee.

Graeme

Did you want tea?

Clip 5

Agent Zoil is interrogating the two newbies, Haggard and O'Reilly about the roadblock they've been conducting.

Agent Zoil

You have any traffic through here?

Haggard

No. Just a... couple of hillbilly types.

O'Reilly

Yeah.

Haggard

Two nerds in an RV.

Agent Zoil

Nerds, huh?

O'Reilly

Yes. They've come from Comic-con. They met Adam Shadowchild.

Agent Zoil

Who the hell's Adam Shadowchild?

O'Reilly

Oh... he wrote Prison Hulk 431, okay? Uh, Jenny Starpepper and the Spinning Worm. Right? Flux in Uranus...

Agent Zoil

You know you're a grown man, right? Probably shave, pay taxes... have pubic hair?

O'Reilly

All of those things.

Clip 6

Graeme is drawing a portrait of Paul as he reclines on the RV's couch. Paul can't help but quote Kate Winslet in Titanic.

Paul

You gonna draw me like one of your French girls, Jack?

[Purses his lips and makes a kissing sound]

Clip 7

Paul, Graeme and Clive have pulled in to an RV park for the night. Clive is barbecuing. Paul is curious as to the "relationship" between he and Graeme.

Paul

Can I ask you something?

Clive

Yeah, sure.

Paul

You and Graeme. Are you guys, uh...

Clive

What?

Paul

You know...

[PAUL begins miming someone giving a man oral sex]

You know... You guys, two guys... Aren't you getting me?

[The first mime not having worked, PAUL begins to mime someone receiving something sizeable in their... you know...]

Clive

What are you doing?!

Paul

[Still miming someone being buggered]

Oh, yeah, yeah, uh, yeah!

Clive

I don't know what you mean.

Paul

GAY!

Clive

No. Why do people keep saying that?

Paul

No, I was just wondering.

Clip 8

Ruth is in the RV, arguing with Paul through a closed bathroom about evolution vs. God. She hasn't met him yet. Yet...

Ruth

Nothing that you can say or do can shake my belief, or faith in the sure and certain knowledge that God made Heaven and Earth and created us all in his own image.

Paul

His own image? Well... I got a question.

[He bursts out of the RV's bathroom]

How do you explain me?

[RUTH swoons and begins to fall backwards, plank style]

Paul

She's goin'... she's fall... catch...

[RUTH hits the floor]

Paul

And that's Jenga!

Clip 9

Now that Ruth knows the "truth" she no longer has her faith. She no longer has any rules by which to live. Which opens up some intriguing possibilities.

Ruth

So everything that I have been told my whole life is just a big, fat lie. Do you know how that feels?

Graeme

No, look. Just because your truth isn't the true truth doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.

Ruth

That's easy for you to say.

Graeme

It's really not.

Ruth

So there's no Heaven? No Hell. No right, no wrong, no... sin. Wha... I can drink?

Graeme

If you like.

Ruth

I can fornicate.

Graeme

Maybe.

Ruth

I can curse.

Graeme

Well, yeah...

Ruth

PENISES!

Graeme

Ruth...

Ruth

ASSING HAIRY BOOBS, POOP, FARTING BUTTHOLES...

Graeme

Ruth, I'm not sure this is helping.

Clip 10

That moment when you invite a girl to sleep in your bed; with or without you and realise that it's full of soiled tissues. Yeah. That.

Graeme

You said you wanted to travel. All right? To see... like, new stuff. This is your chance. I, I, I... really think you should come with us.

Ruth

Where would I sleep?

Graeme

Well, I... I... I'll sleep on the sofa and then you can have my bed. You know? But I'd push the tissues off with a pen if I were you because I've had a cold.

Ruth

Oh.

Clip 11

Ruth is really getting the hang of cursing now. Well, she's mastered the basics but is in need of some refinement. And context.

Paul

Hey there, sleepyface.

Ruth

Fu*keroo... that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.

Paul

Uh... I've got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth. Look, cursing's fun... you've just gotta pick your moments, okay?

Graeme

Hey, maybe we should stop for some food. Is anybody hungry?

Paul

Fu*k yeah!

Graeme

Ruth?

Ruth

You bet your big, fat c*ck I am!

Clip 12

Ruth is thinking ahead but her suggestion takes the boys somewhat by surprise. And then this happens.

Ruth

Maybe I should call my Dad.

Paul

What?

Graeme

What? Why?

Ruth

I've been gone for a whole day and if he calls the police, they're going to be looking for us. If I don't there's a good chance we could all end up in Sh*tbutt City.

Paul

You're really getting the hang of this.

Ruth

Thanks, Dickmilk.

Clip 13

Agent Zoil has intercepted Ruth's call home. Whilst he keeps her talking, Haggard is running a trace on the public phone she's calling from. O'Reilly is just being a complete d*ck.

Agent Zoil

You've been abducted and the individual that you're travelling with is highly dangerous.

Ruth

Oh, no. He's... he's not dangerous. I mean, he's kinda rude. He curses a lot and a couple of times I've seen him scratch his... space... man... balls.

[O'REILLY bursts out laughing hysterically and is slapped in the face by AGENT ZOIL]

Agent Zoil

Please listen to me. Your father is extremely worried about you and we'd like to get you home, Miss Buggs.

Ruth

He showed me things.

O'Reilly

[To ZOIL]

She's talking about spaceman balls

[ZOIL slaps him a second time, silencing him]

O'Reilly

Ah!

Agent Zoil

You know I'm just trying to help you right, Ruth?

Ruth

I just... I don't know... what's real any more. I'm confused...

[The telephone trace has been successful]

Haggard

WE GOT THE B**CH!

O'Reilly

YEAH, DOG, UP HIGH...

[A third slap silences him for a third time]

Agent Zoil

Damnit, Haggard. Uh... Miss...

[RUTH hangs up]

Clip 14

Chased to the trailer by Gus and Jake, Graeme is anticipating a kicking when suddenly the door opens and Paul saves the day.

Paul

Yo, fu*knuts! It's probin' time!