11 MP3 Audio clips from Clerks II (2006)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

The Quick Stop has burned down. Dante is still in shock, watching firefighters dampen down the ruins when Randal comes along with a question so stupid it doesn't deserve an answer.

Randal

Terrorists?

[DANTE glances sidelong at his friend with a look of disdain]

I left the coffee pot on again, didn't I?

[DANTE nods forlornly]

Sh*t! Now where am I gonna bring chicks to fu*k 'em when Mom's home?

Clip 2

The boys are travelling to work in Dante's car. It's Dante's last day at Mooby's prior to moving to Florida and marrying a "bunny boiler".

Randal

You gonna do anything crazy before you leave New Jersey forever?

Dante

How long have you known me?

Randal

If I were you I'd spray-paint "Eat Pu**y" across the side of the building in huge letters.

Dante

Why?

Randal

Let 'em know you were there, man.

Dante

I'd rather let 'em know I'm not an a**hole.

Randal

Too late for that.

Dante

I'm really gonna miss you, man...

Clip 3

There are some secrets that friends share that should NEVER be revealed to anyone outside of that friendship. And this is one of those things.

Randal

Emma, are you like this 'cos you have an unnaturally large clit?

Emma

[To DANTE]

You just had to tell him, didn't ya?

Dante

It kinda came out one day.

Randal

He says it's so big it's almost like a little c*ck. Which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.

Dante

You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?

Randal

No. 'Cos the next stop is a guy with an undersized d*ck.

Clip 4

Randal is nothing if not blunt. Even when it comes to conversations with a lady. He's always straight and to the point.

Emma

I don't fu*king understand why you can't be happy for your best friend. He finally found a woman who loves him.

Randal

[Laughs]

Like you even register as a chick to me. You might as well be a dude.

Emma

Really?

Randal

Yeah. You're my best friend's girlfriend. You became persona non nookie to me the moment he started diddling your pooter.

Clip 5

Elias. He's weird. Likeable. But weird. Naive. But weird. So basically just weird.

Randal

Why the fu*k are you still getting rides from your mother? And even worse, what the fu*k are you kissing her goodbye for? What is she, your fu*king prom date?

Elias

You're not going to bother me today, Randal. I'm in too good a mood.

Randal

Because your Mom slipped you the tongue?

Clip 6

You remember Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs tucking his tackle between his legs and dancing to "Goodbye Horses" right? So does Jay. Whenever Silent Bob puts that track on...

Jay

[Dancing to "Goodbye Horses" and applying lip balm in place of lipstick]

Would you fu*k me? I'd fu*k me. I'd fu*k me hard.

Clip 7

Elias is a geek. There's no getting around that fact. So when he's frying onion rings, he can't help himself.

Elias

Randal. One ring... to rule them all.

Randal

You wonder why no chick will let you stick your c*ck in her?

Clip 8

It's Elias and a geeky, passive-aggressive customer versus Randal on the subject of the Lord of the Rings movies.

Randal

Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would'a ended the third one on the logical closure point. Not the twenty-five endings that followed.

Elias

What's a logical closure point?

Customer

Yeah, friend, enlighten us.

Randal

When fu*king Frido (sic) wakes up from his little coma or whatever and the little hobbits are jumpin' up and down on his bed and Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very fu*king gay look.

Elias

Not the rings, Randal. Say what you will about Jesus but leave the rings out of this.

Customer

I am gonna kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your fu*king mouth.

Randal

That look was so gay I thought Sam was going to tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fu*king c*ck. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Customer

Hey... faggot. They're not gay. They're hobbits.

Randal

And then right after the Sam / Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam fu*king flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Customer

I swear...

[He looks nauseous]

Fu*k you!

[He vomits all over the counter]

[RANDAL goes to the office where he finds DANTE]

Randal

[Laughs]

I made fun of Lord of the Rings so hard it made some super-geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

Clip 9

Randal is using the restaurant's internet connection to organise a going-away present for Dante. Elias is curious about what he's buying.

Elias

So what are you doing, then?

Randal

Trying to secure a going-away present for Mister Dante.

Elias

Really? Well... how about an R1 sword replica?

Randal

What?

Elias

'Cos it's like... thoughtful and practical.

Randal

I was thinking of something a little more sexy.

Elias

What's sexier than an Elf princess's sword?

Randal

A donkey show.

Elias

What's that?

Randal

You ever see a chick give a mule a blow-job?

Elias

[Naturally disgusted]

Oh... GOD!

Clip 10

Elias is a virgin. Obviously. Randal can't help but rib him about it.

Randal

Seriously, Elias. Have you and Myra had sex yet?

Elias

Well... that's just kinda personal, Randal.

Randal

Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I'd fu*ked Hayden Withers' kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?

Elias

You kinda made me smell your fingers.

Clip 11

Randal, Dante, Jay & Silent Bob are in jail. They're talking about the future. Dante hits upon an idea which, for once, Jay and Silent Bob can actually help with.

Dante

Do you know how much it would cost to buy the Quick Stop? Like...fifty grand easy. Neither one of us have that type of money.

Jay

We do. That's right.

Randal

You guys'd be willing to lend us some of that money so we can re-open the stores?

Jay

Sure. On two conditions. One... we can hang out in front of store any time we want and you can't call the cops. And two, you have to blow each other. And we get to watch. Then you have to go ass-to-mouth.

[RANDAL and DANTE exchange uncomfortable looks]

All right... just the first condition.