8 MP3 Audio clips from The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of The Desert (1994)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

"Mitzi" has just performed a rousing rendition of Charlene's "I've Never Been to Me" and one unappreciative audience member has thrown a beer can at her, knocking her to the floor.

Felicia

[Grabbing the microphone]

Oh that was fu*king charming, you gutless pack of d*ckheads.

Audience Member

Oh fu*k off, you talentless dog.

Felicia

What was that?

Audience Member

Show us your pink bits.

Felicia

No. I don't think I will. Now, do you know why this microphone has such a long cord?

Audience Member

Why?

Felicia

So that it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your ass!

Clip 2

Adam has a dream. A dream he's had since childhood. A dream that he might now, finally, be able to realise. But Bernadette is less than enthusiastic.

Adam

Well, ever since I was a lad I've had this dream. A dream that I now, finally, have a chance to fulfil.

Bernadette

And that is...?

Adam

To travel to the centre of Australia, climb King's Canyon as a queen in a full-length Gaultier sequin, heels and a tiara.

Bernadette

Great. That's just what this country needs. A c*ck, in a frock, on a rock.

Tick

Oh, get back in your kennels, both of you.

Clip 3

The trio have checked in to a hotel which is painted. And I mean painted. Frescoes adorn every wall and ceiling. And not GOOD frescoes, either.

Bernadette

Subtle.

Felicia

Oh, tack-o-rama. Who the hell does all the painting around here?

Bernadette

Someone with no arms or right foot by the look of things.

Clip 4

Bernadette is trying to order drinks in an outback bar. The landlady, Shirley, doesn't like outsiders. Particularly not outsiders who happen to be drag queens.

Bernadette

Could I please have a stoli...

Shirley

No! You can't have. You can't have nothing! We've got nothing here for people like you. NOTHING!

Bernadette

Now listen here, you mullet. Why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart.

Clip 5

Bernadette makes the mistake of asking Adam about the bizarre necklace he carries everywhere with him. A jar containing clear liquid and some kind of brown lump.

Bernadette

What's this?

Adam

That, my darling, is my most treasured possession in the whole, wide world.

Bernadette

But... what is it?

Adam

Well, a few years ago I went on a pilgrimage backstage to an Abba concert, hoping to grab an audience with Her Royal Highness Agnetha. Well, when I saw her ducking into the ladies loo, naturally I followed her in. And after she'd finished her business I ducked into the cubicle only to find she'd left me a little gift... sitting in the toilet bowl.

Bernadette

What are you telling me? This is an Abba turd?!

Clip 6

The trio have arrived in a quiet, backwater mining town and are doing their best to ingratiate themselves with the locals.

Bernadette

What a nice dog. What's it's name?

Local

Herpes. If she's good, she'll heal.

Clip 7

Felicia can't help herself. Against orders, she's left the hotel and gone mingling with the locals down at the local watering hole. They don't take too kindly to female impersonators, unfortunately.

Frank

Put the faggot down and get the fu*k out of there Bob, or you'll be next.

Bob

Fra-ank.

Frank

GET OUT OF THERE!

Bernadette

Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd. I'm sure your mates will be much more impressed if you just go back to the pub and fu*k a couple of pigs on the bar.

Bob

Bernadette, please.

Frank

Bernadette? Well, I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town. Well, I suppose you want a fu*k too, do you? Come on, Bernadette. Come and fu*k me. That's it. Come on. Come and fu*k me. Come on.

[BERNADETTE, having sauntered over to FRANK, knees him in the balls twice]

Bernadette

There. Now you're fu*ked.

Clip 8

Adam and Tick have their own lyrics to Hava Nagila ("Let Us Rejoice") and when Bernadette is hungover with her face covered in cake, it seems rather appropriate.

Adam & Tick

Hava Nagila, have a... hangover, Hava Nagila...

[Here the boys make up the lyrics as they go along]