13 MP3 Audio clips from We're the Millers (2013)

PLAY ALL 13 CLIPS

Clip 1

David Clark has just bumped into an old college friend, Rick Nathanson and "for old time's sake", has given him some weed to smoke. That's when Rick's phone rings.

David

Hey, good luck with your family.

[RICK'S phone begins to ring]

Rick

Oh, fu*k. Fu*k me. Fu*k.

[He answers it]

Hey! Great news. We're gonna get high and fu*ked tonight... Oh, I'm sorry, Honey. Put Mommy on the phone, okay?

Clip 2

David and Rose (a stripper) have had a slight disagreement in the lobby of their apartment building. Not surprisingly, she storms off.

Rose

Have fun dying alone, Jerk.

David

Yeah, have fun digging out the singles from your crotch.

Rose

My crotch only takes twenties, David.

Clip 3

David has just been kidnapped by two henchmen and is stood in the surprisingly plush and corporate looking reception of his supplier with a bag over his head.

Receptionist

Can I get you something to drink? Coffee, tea, fresca?

David

Hmmmm, you know what? A fresca sounds really good.

Receptionist

You got it.

David

I appreciate that, oh, hold on one second.

[Indicating to his CAPTORS]

You guys want anything? It's on me. Gotta replenish those electrolytes. Don't want you cramping up later when you're jerking each-other off.

Clip 4

Whilst David and Kenny are sat outside their building, an RV rolls up driven by someone who bears more than a passing resemblance to Ned Flanders.

"Flanders"

Hi! Sure hate to bug you fellas but I'm trying to get the fam up to the zoo and uh, I'm lost as all heck.

David

Yeah, fu*k off, real-life Flanders!

Clip 5

David has recruited Kenny and now needs Rose to come on board. He returns from the strip club and Kenny asks how the meeting went.

Kenny

So what did she say?

David

The fu*k d'ya think? She said no.

Kenny

Cool. So I guess it's just us, then. A little father and son bonding trip to Mexico.

David

Are you kidding me? You and me travelling alone in a van's gonna look like the Pervert Olympics.

Clip 6

David is in a salon, looking to lose his "drug dealer" hair-style in favour of something more "mainstream" and family-friendly.

Stylist

David Clark?

[DAVID sits in the chair]

Okay. What are we doing today?

David

Yeah. I say, give me something that says I get up every morning at five-thirty and commute for an hour-and-a-half to some bullsh*t job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora The Explorer sh*t and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.

Other Client

Ahem.

[He points at his own head]

Right here.

David

Yeah. That's it.

Clip 7

How to blend in as a normal family on a flight to New Mexico? Introduce your teenage "children" and hope that they keep their mouths shut.

David

Yeah, you know, I've got my hands full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.

Casey

Yeah, I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues. Like... finals and college applications and am I going to get asked to prom... Plus I haven't gotten my period in like two months which is really weird because I've mostly just been doing anal.

[KENNY nearly chokes on the water he's drinking]

Clip 8

David has called Brad Gurdlinger to complain that his "smidge" of pot is, in fact, two tonnes of the good stuff.

[When the phone rings, BRAD is carving an intricate ice sculpture]

Brad Gurdlinger

Hey, Buddy! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm like an amazing sculptor.

David

What are you talking about?

Brad Gurdlinger

I've been working on it all day. It's an Orca and he's breaching... and I'm balls-deep in his blow-hole.

David

What the fu*k?!

Clip 9

Casey has just opened the mini-fridge in the RV and discovered that it is also jam-packed with weed.

Casey

Woah. I think Snoop Dogg would fu*k this fridge.

Clip 10

The "Millers" have been stopped just outside of Pablo Chacon's compound by a corrupt cop. It's bribe time!

Cop

Cut the sh*t. I saw you leaving Pablo Chacon's compound and we both know if I search your mobile home what I find. But I don't feel like arresting anybody today, so... I just simply take my bribe and I'll be on my way.

David

Well, all right!

[Laughs]

Here we go. This is what I'm talking about. Great. Well, how much we talking? A hundred? Two hundred?

Cop

One thousand.

David

Thousand? Um, we... we... we... we don't have that sort of cash on us right now.

Cop

Hmmm. You see, that's gonna be a problem. Maybe you can offer me something else? Say, uh... something a little more personal?

[DAVID realises that the cop is alluding to sexual favours]

David

Rose. Suck his d*ck.

Rose

Fu*k you! I'm not sucking anything.

Cop

Please, please. Señora. No need to be alarmed.

Rose

Well...

Cop

You see I'm, uh... how you say, uh... a man who prefers the company of other men.

David

Oh.

Rose

David. Suck his d*ck.

[Whispers]

Five seconds tops. Just cradle the balls.

Cop

[Moans appreciatively]

Clip 11

There are some stories that should never be told. Especially when you've just met the couple you're regaling with it.

Edie Fitzgerald

So, you know, when you're a synchronised swimmer you can't use a Maxipad because you can see it. So my friend bought me a box of tampons. And I'm telling you I had such a hard time inserting those. It would just stick half-way out just like a Roman Candle. And THAT is how I found out I was born with a shallow vagina.

Clip 12

David has just inadvertently revealed the scale of the financial return involved in this operation. To those he offered such little reward to.

Rose

You are making five-hundred thousand dollars, and you were only going to pay me thirty?

Casey

You're getting thirty grand?! I'm getting a thousand.

Kenny

Wait... you guys are getting paid?!

Clip 13

Melissa witnessed Kenny tonguing his "sister" AND his "mother" the previous night. But that isn't ALL that happened. And she's about to find out.

Edie

Melissa. Yes. It... it was wrong of me to fondle Mrs. Miller's breasts. You're right. Even though I'm not gonna deny that it gave me a certain amount of pleasure. But that being said, your father and I are struggling with some serious intimacy issues.

Melissa

Okay... um, no... stop.

Edie

I'm not as tight as I once was.

Melissa

No!

Edie

I... look, he just falls right out ...

Melissa

Okay...

Edie

It's like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.

Melissa

Ewwwwww!