14 MP3 Audio clips from National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)

PLAY ALL 14 CLIPS

Clip 1

Mr. Jigsaw has paid Billy York a visit dressed as a Wilderness Girl. But he's not selling cookies. He's after information and he'll do anything to get it.

Mr. Jigsaw

In a little while, Miss York, you will be begging for mercy.

Billy York

No, no. I'll beg now!

Mr. Jigsaw

Save yourself unnecessary pain. TELL ME!

Billy York

McCracken.

Mr. Jigsaw

Thank you, Miss York.

[He shoots her with a silenced weapon and then turns to leave]

Is that... Dan McCracken or Mike McCracken?

Billy York

Mike.

[He shoots her again]

Mr. Jigsaw

Is he on Alpine or Oak?

Billy York

Alpine.

[He shoots her again]

Hey, pssst! Park on Third, you'll never find a spot on Alpine.

Mr. Jigsaw

Thank you. You have been most co-operative.

Billy York

Don't mention it.

[He shoots her one final time]

Clip 2

Wes Luger has arrived at the York crime scene. One of his Detectives is already inside.

Wes Luger

What ya got, Irv?

Irv

Oh... beats me, Sarge. Dandruff, seborrhea, maybe just dry, itchy scalp.

Wes Luger

You tried this, Irv?

[WES hands IRV a bottle of shampoo]

I use it.

Irv

Head & Shoulders? But, Sarge... you don't have dandruff.

Wes Luger

I know!

Clip 3

Wes is discussing the death of his former partner with Captain Doyle. Doyle doesn't mince his words. He says it loud and he says it proud.

Wes Luger

I don't think York WAS a suicide. She was on to something.

Captain Doyle

On something is more like it. You know those Wilderness Girls cookies was laced with cocaine?

Wes Luger

No wonder I couldn't eat just one!

Clip 4

Luger wants primacy for the investigation into Billy York's murder. He begs and pleads and he finally gets his own way. But his Captain has some cautionary words for him.

Captain Doyle

TAKE THE DAMN CASE.

Wes Luger

THANK YOU. Ahem. Thank you.

Captain Doyle

Don't be so fast to thank me on this, Luger. Because you're gonna be naked on this one. It's on the line for you. People are gonna be watching. Now you blow it, you're going down. You screw up, you're gonna be hung out to dry. You drop the ball, you're gonna be left twisting in the wind. If you embarrass this department, your pants are gonna be dancing with figs. Is that clear?

Wes Luger

Everything but the pants fig thing, uh...

Clip 5

Harold Leacher is, basically, a low-budget Hannibal Lecter. He has the same sense of smell and the same powers of perception but he's just not quite as frightening.

Harold Leacher

[Sniffs the air through the plate glass window]

Hai Karate. You wear that sometimes, don't you? But not

[sniff]

today

[sniff]

today

[sniff]

it's... mentholated Deep Heat rub. You order Chef's Salad with dressing on the side. You have a young, attractive wife with perky breasts, a nine-year-old son and a sixteen-year-old daughter.

Wes Luger

Who told you that?

Harold Leacher

I saw their picture in your wallet.

Jack Colt

We came here to talk about cookies.

Harold Leacher

Quid pro quo, Mister Colt.

Jack Colt

What's that mean?

Harold Leacher

It means I'm pretentious.

Clip 6

This conversation would have been a LOT less awkward if Luger had known that Jack was referring to his K9 partner and not to a woman.

Wes Luger

So, what happened to your partner?

Jack Colt

The hell of it is, I don't know. I came home one night and she was gone.

Wes Luger

You two were living together?

Jack Colt

Hell, she used to sleep at my feet and lick my toes. Though sometimes she'd forget about me and just lick herself for hours.

Wes Luger

Personally I don't think it's such a good idea to get that involved with your partner.

Jack Colt

Hey, Pal. You try not getting involved with a partner who saves your life one minute and then nuzzles your crotch the next.

Wes Luger

Well, Billy and I didn't have THAT kind of relationship. She left the force about five years ago and we didn't see each other much after that but when we DID get together, she was always excited to see me.

Jack Colt

When Claire was excited to see me, she'd pee on my leg.

Wes Luger

What do you think happened to her?

Jack Colt

Maybe she just took off. I hadn't been paying enough attention to her. I realised how neglected she felt the night she sh*t in my shoes.

Clip 7

Jack and Wes are raiding the home of Tim Becker, this movie's answer to Leo Getz.

Tim Becker

All right, all right... I... I did some money laundering for your standard ex-military psycho types.

Jack Colt

Give me a name.

Tim Becker

Weren't your parents supposed to do that?

Clip 8

Another day, another crime scene and another simple question answered by a total idiot.

Wes Luger

What are we looking at here?

Irv

A mixed breed. Rottweiler and Chihuahua.

[The dog is licking JACK'S face]

I guess they used some kind of lubricant.

Wes Luger

I'm talking about the case.

Irv

Oh.

Clip 9

Their car has been blown up and so has the taxi they'd hailed to get back downtown.

Jack Colt

Tell you what... it's going to take a lot more than a couple of car bombs to get us off this case.

Wes Luger

Not a hell of a lot more!

Clip 10

Wes could be onto something here. Jack and General Mortars DO have a history. If you can understand it, that is.

Wes Luger

There's something between you and this General Mortars.

Jack Colt

He was my C.O. in Nam. CIA listed him as M.I.A. but the V.A. I.D'd his M.O. and we put out an A.P.B.

Wes Luger

Oh, I see!

Clip 11

Destiny Demeanour is hot. Scorching hot. Jack knows it. SHE knows it. And thanks to this little exchange, we know it, too!

Jack Colt

If I were you, I wouldn't leave town.

Destiny Demeanor

Oh, I won't. I live here.

Jack Colt

Sorry if I was a little rough on you.

Destiny Demeanor

You're just doing your job. And I'm just a gal like any other gal. I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking...

Clip 12

Colt has just walked straight into a trap. Mr. Jigsaw is waiting for him. Behind a closed door. He didn't stand a chance. This MUST be his worst nightmare, right?

Mr. Jigsaw

DROP YOUR GUN, Mister Colt.

Jack Colt

[Drops his weapon]

Who the hell are you?

Mr. Jigsaw

I am your worst nightmare.

Jack Colt

No... waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare.

Clip 13

You ever forgotten to give your significant other an important message? Wes has. And I'll bet his message was far more important than yours!

Wes Luger

Dear... I know you're just trying to block out the memory but... c'mon, now. Your mom's been dead for over six months.

[There's a moment of awkward silence and abject shock]

Uh-oh. Did I forget to give you that message?

Doris Luger

[Screams]

Jack Colt

I'll make some coffee.

Clip 14

Jack believes that Wes' life is in danger and mounts a daring, solo rescue attempt at the Luger residence.

Jack Colt

LUGER?

Wes Luger

In here.

[JACK kicks open the door to reveal WES LUGER sat on the toilet, his pants around his ankles]

Jack Colt

What's wrong?

Wes Luger

Nothin'. Takin' a sh*t!