8 MP3 Audio clips from Spaceballs (1987)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

If there's one thing that Dark Helmet can't stand, it's subordinate officers going over his helmet. Which is as close to innuendo as I can manage right now.

Colonel Sandurz

We're approaching Planet Druidia, Sir.

Dark Helmet

Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.

Navigator

I already called them, Sir. He knows everything.

Dark Helmet

WHAT? You went over my helmet?

Clip 2

Princess Vespa is about to marry Prince Valium. Or is she?

Priest

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going RIGHT past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door.

Clip 3

President Skroob doesn't like the idea of being beamed anywhere. He prefers to walk. He just doesn't think it's safe.

Zircon

Shall I have Snotty beam you down, Sir?

President Skroob

I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

Zircon

Oh, yes, Sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night.

[Wistfully]

It was wonderful.

Clip 4

Having given the order to fire a warning shot across Princess Vespa's bow, the command is somewhat misunderstood and she's nearly blown to pieces.

Dark Helmet

Careful, you idiot. I said "across her nose", not up it.

Phillip Asshole

[Turning to reveal that he's cross-eyed]

Sorry, Sir. I'm doing my best.

Dark Helmet

Who made that man a gunner?

Major Asshole

I did, Sir. He's my cousin.

Dark Helmet

Who is he?

Colonel Sandurz

He's an A**hole, Sir.

Dark Helmet

I know that. What's his name?

Colonel Sandurz

That is his name, Sir. A**hole. Major A**hole.

Dark Helmet

And his cousin?

Colonel Sandurz

He's an A**hole too, Sir. Gunner's Mate First Class Phillip A**hole.

Dark Helmet

How many A**holes we got on this ship, anyhow?

Entire Crew

YO!

Dark Helmet

I knew it. I'm surrounded by A**holes.

Clip 5

Princess Vespa does NOT tolerate rudeness from anyone. Even the Captain of a vessel which has kindly and selflessly come to her rescue.

Princess Vespa

I am Princess Vespa. Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

Lone Starr

Ohhhh. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.

Barf

Funny... she doesn't look Druish.

Clip 6

Dark Helmet is in pursuit of the fleeing Princess Vespa. And a successful capture is reliant on the ship being set to... ludicrous speed.

Colonel Sandurz

Prepare ship for light speed.

Dark Helmet

No, no, no, light speed is too slow.

Colonel Sandurz

Light speed too slow?

Dark Helmet

Yes. We're gonna have to go right to... ludicrous speed.

Colonel Sandurz

Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it.

Dark Helmet

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?!

Clip 7

When the order was given to "comb the desert" I'm not entirely sure that this was what President Skroob had in mind.

Colonel Sandurz

Sir.

Dark Helmet

[Speaking through a megaphone]

What?

Colonel Sandurz

Are we being too literal?

Dark Helmet

No, you fool. We're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.

Colonel Sandurz

[Shouting to three pairs of men dragging massive combs across the sand]

FOUND ANYTHING YET?

Trooper #1

Nothing yet, Sir.

Colonel Sandurz

How about you?

Trooper #2

Not a thing, Sir.

Colonel Sandurz

What about you guys?

Trooper #3

We ain't found sh*t!

Clip 8

Colonel Sandurz bursts unannounced into Dark Helmet's quarters with an urgent message.

Colonel Sandurz

Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet

WHAT?!

Colonel Sandurz

You're needed on the bridge, Sir.

Dark Helmet

KNOCK ON MY DOOR. KNOCK NEXT TIME!

Colonel Sandurz

Yes, Sir.

Dark Helmet

Did you see anything?

Colonel Sandurz

No, Sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.

Dark Helmet

Good.