11 MP3 Audio clips from Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult (1994)

PLAY ALL 11 CLIPS

Clip 1

Frank has just woken from a nightmare. He screams out, sits bolt upright in bed, soaked with sweat.

Jane

Frank! Frank, are you all right?

Frank

I'm soaking wet.

Jane

I'll get the talcum powder.

Frank

No, no. It's not that. Had a nightmare.

Clip 2

Muriel has gone to see her sociopath son, Rocco in jail. They're speaking on phones through plate glass.

Muriel

How's my little boy? Getting along okay, sweetie?

Rocco

Ah, about as well as a heterosexual can in prison. I don't know how much longer I can take it in here. Ma, how's Tanya?

Muriel

Tanya's the same. Milky, creamy skin... pouting red lips, firm buttocks, ample breasts, ears you'd just love to stick your tongue into...

Rocco

...Ma, please. I'm gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up.

Muriel

Sorry.

Clip 3

Things aren't good in the Drebin camp. Frank and Jane go to a Marriage Guidance Counsellor for some professional help.

Marriage Counsellor

You know, I feel it's important for a couple to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame. Now, which one of you is... impotent?

Jane

Uh, that would be him.

Marriage Counsellor

Ah. Yes, of course.

Frank

Why don't you ask who's frigid?

Jane

Uh, that would be him, also.

Marriage Counsellor

Oh?

Frank

How would you know? You're never home.

Jane

He resents the fact that I'm a working woman. In fact he has no idea what a woman wants or needs. You're so insensitive.

Frank

This isn't that toilet seat thing again, is it?

Jane

It's babies, Frank. I want to have a baby and every time we start to make love, you have a headache.

Frank

I'm not a piece of meat, Jane. I'm trying. I got ointments, lotions, creams, books, things that vibrate.

Jane

FRANK!

Frank

Well, maybe it's your fault.

Marriage Counsellor

Have you tried sexy lingerie? Some lacy underwear? Or a black teddy?

Frank

I've tried wearing them all. They don't work.

Marriage Counsellor

Oh.

Clip 4

Things have come to a head because Frank's been concealing his return to police work from his one true love. And now she's walking out that door.

Jane

[Crying]

Goodbye, Frank!

Radio DJ

You're listening to K-SAD. All depressing, all the time. And now here's a dedication to Frank from Jane who just called from a taxi. And it reads, "Frank, you lying weasel-weenie. It's bad enough you're shooting blanks, now you're leaving the door wide open and letting all the heat out. Weren't you born in a barn, you stupid..."

Clip 5

Frank, undercover as a murderer, is meeting his new cell mates. One he knows, the other is introducing himself.

Black Inmate

You just watch your step, McGirk. Take it from me; this place here changes a man.

Frank

Oh yeah? In what way?

Black Inmate

I used to be white. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.

Rocco

Screw with me... he'll make you feel pain like you never felt before.

Frank

I know. I remember the Osmonds.

Clip 6

Frank is full of one-liners. This simile is one of many. Enjoy!

Frank

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.

Clip 7

Frank and Rocco have escaped from the penitentiary with a little help from Rocco's mother, Muriel. She's driving. Frank puts his foot in it.

Frank

Hey, Rocco. Who's the old hag? She take one in the face?

Rocco

She's my mother!

Frank

Oh... Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal. You must be very proud of him.

Muriel

I am.

Clip 8

Those one-liners I was telling you about? Those witty similes? Here's another one for your collection.

Frank

Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Clip 9

Few men could resist the allure of Tanya. But Frank Drebin is made of sterner stuff and he puts her in her place.

Tanya

[Seductively]

I could have two lovers.

Frank

Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball. One on one and with as little dribbling as possible.

Clip 10

Um. What I just said about Frank putting Tanya in her place? Well now she's got her tongue down his throat. Sorry about that. My bad.

Jane

[Walking in on the scene]

What are you DOING?

Frank

Uh, well, thank you for the advice. I will try that recipe out, Miss Peters.

Jane

[Distraught]

How could you?

Tanya

Well, you just shove your tongue as far down his throat as you can.

[JANE cries out in anguish, turns and leaves]

Clip 11

The Academy Awards are in full-swing. Frank is embarrassing himself. On live television. Olympia Dukakis doesn't know what to make of it.

Olympia Dukakis

Good Lord, what's that?

James Earl Jones

It looks like Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba.