8 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Extras (2005)

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Goran, the man whose life Ben Stiller is immortalising in film has struck a deal with Andy to get him more lines in the movie. Ben Stiller is really not happy about it.

Ben Stiller

You want him to have more lines?

Goran

Yes.

Ben Stiller

I don't understand... are YOU directing the movie or am I directing the movie?

Goran

No, but this is my story. My memories. My tribute to my dead wife.

Ben Stiller

Ach. Would you stop going on about your fu*king dead wife?

Andy and Maggie are getting lunch from a catering truck. There's a hair in Andy's food.

Andy

Your heart's not in this, is it? Although... one of your pubes is, I see.

[The SERVER plucks the hair out with his fingers]

Oh... straight in there like that... no messing.

Server

Nah, it's not a pube. It's a dog hair.

Andy

[Addressing the people queuing behind him]

It's all right... it's not a pube... it's a dog hair everyone. I... I... I thought it was a pube. It's not it's just a dog... if you DO get a hair in there or... he just gets it out with his big sausage fingers.

Maggie's date with Mark has gone very well. VERY well. But apparently she's not a particularly active lover.

Mark

Come on love, you're a like a dead horse. Put a bit of minge around it.

Maggie is having boyfriend trouble. Again. This time it's a problem with communication. Phone sex to be precise.

Maggie

He likes to talk dirty on the phone. He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth.

Andy

Why would you tell me that? What does he say?

[Laughs]

What's he say?

Maggie

He calls up and says things like "What are you doing?"

Andy

What do you say?

Maggie

Well I didn't know what was going on at first. I didn't realise and I was just honest with him and I said "Oh, I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer of the fridge."

Andy

[Laughs]

Well he probably thought that was a euphemism, to be fair. "Oh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer. Oh, I am scrubbing my front step." Have you talked dirty back to him?

Maggie

No.

Andy

Have you?

Maggie

No, I have not. I don't know what to say to him. It's too embarrassing.

Andy

Yeah.

Maggie

Wh...what if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me or something and... and it's too much and he gets all offended.

Andy

Well, no. It's just all stuff like, uh "Oooh, I'm playing with myself."

Kate Winslet

Sounds interesting.

Andy

Hi. Not me. Her.

[MAGGIE is speechless]

Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.

Kate Winslet

Oh, yeah. That can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you start off with something light, you know like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa-Loompas." You know... something a bit fun. A bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore. Rattle off the old classics like "I'm playing with my dirty pillows... I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret" and then go straight in hard, like "Get round here 'cos I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." All right?

Maggie

Yeah.

Andy is pretending to be a catholic to get close to Suzanne. Their first date is a prayer meeting. Can he keep up the charade or is it about to come tumbling down? Yeah. The latter.

Suzanne

I don't think you two have been formally introduced. This is Andy, Father.

Priest

How are you, son?

[ANDY leans forward and kisses the ring on the PRIEST'S hand]

Oh, you don't have to do that. I'm not the pope.

Andy

No, it's... old habits die hard. My old priest used to make me kiss him. On the ring. On the... no, there was none of that going on. Uh, that makes me sick as well, people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddie-fiddlers. There's probably, I mean they probably are. I mean you probably know some, but... But it's no higher percentage of perverts in... but, you know... they're in all walks of life, aren't they? There are nonces everywhere. But let's not exaggerate the issue is what I'm saying. I've never been touched by a priest. I've been touched by God. Not in that way. In the heart, but... you know. Or... uh, oh... condoms. Do we need 'em? Don't think so. Let the free seed of love gush forth.

The day after the disastrous date and Maggie is keen to know how it went.

Maggie

Oh, how was the date?

Andy

The date? Um, ohhhh, good... let me go over some highlights for you. Lied to a priest in front of a room-full of Christians, some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered. So, insulted them and their belief system. Made a woman hate me for the rest of her life. Yeah? Didn't believe in God before. Definitely going to Hell. I liked her as well.

Maggie

Awww. Hey, listen... but don't worry. I know someone who'd be perfect for you. She's desperate and she has real trouble hanging on to men because she's clinically depressed.

Andy

Have you got her number?

Maggie

I do, actually... I think it's in my phone...

Andy

I'm being sarcastic because I don't want to go out with a psychopath.

Kate Winslett is trying to give Maggie a crash-course in innuendo.

Kate Winslet

So, it's the weekend. Anyone got any big plans? I'll tell you what we're gonna do, we're gonna have a big spring clean. Yeah, my husband's going to be rummaging around in my basement while I polish his Oscar.

Andy

I see what you mean, no, 'cos I'm gonna be in the garage, probably. Just... cleaning the car. Givin' the old girl's headlamps a good soaping up. Giving them a good seeing to.

It's back-fired. Mike's on to them. And he's not happy that Maggie's been getting relationship advice from Kate Winslett.

Mike

You're just laughing at me behind my back.

Maggie

I'm not. I was... getting advice.

Mike

Off Kate Winslet? You proud of yourself, are you? Think because you were in the biggest film ever you've got the right to mock the little people?

Kate Winslet

No.

Mike

So all that stuff about your husband polishing his Oscar... was that supposed to mean wa*king?

Kate Winslet

Yep.

Mike

And "your basement" meant?

Kate Winslet

My fanny.