Prince Akeem has just been awoken by an orchestra in his bedroom. He's led to the bathroom for his morning ablutions. This includes moving his bowels. But he can't do this alone. Apparently.
Oha. It is my twenty-first birthday. Do you think perhaps just once I might use the bathroom by myself?
Most amusing, Sir. WIPERS!
[He claps twice to summon the required staff]
We see Akeem reclined in a large circular bath. Suddenly a woman emerges from beneath the water with a shocking announcement.
The Royal penis is clean, Your Highness.
[AKEEM sighs contentedly]
Akeem is having second thoughts about an arranged marriage. His parents try to persuade him that it's nothing to worry about.
When I first met your father, I was terrified.
King Jaffe Joffer
I must admit... I was frightened, too.
I was so nervous, I became nauseous. But, over the years I have grown to love your father very much.
King Jaffe Joffer
So, you see, my son... there is a very fine line between love and nausea.
Akeem and Semmi have arrived in Queens and are requesting a room from the landlord.
We require a room that is very poor.
[Suddenly, a man falls down the stairs and lies there, apparently unconscious]
Hey, Stu. Your rent's due, mother fu*ker. And don't be pulling that falling down the stairs sh*t on me, you hear? Are you conscious? Shoot, every month, the same damned thing.
[STU farts, stirs and then closes his eyes again]
The room the landlord has in mind for Akeem and Semmi is poor, alright. It's still sealed with crime scene tape.
Now, this is the place that I was telling you about. It's real fu*ked up. Got just one window facing a brick wall. Used to rent it to a blind man.
[The LANDLORD opens the door to the apartment to reveal blood-splattered walls and the chalk outlines of a dead man, his white stick and his guide dog on the floor]
Damn shame what they did to that dog.
Akeem really needs to acclimatise. Standing on the balcony before the sun is fully up shouting greetings to his neighbours is not the way to win hearts and influence people.
GOOD MORNING, MY NEIGHBOURS!
Hey, fu*k you!
YES. YES! FU*K YOU, TOO!
Akeem and Semmi are "on the pull" in a local bar. The first girl looks great. But she has a secret.
I've got a secret. I worship the devil.
The hunt for a suitable Queen continues in a different snug of the same bar. This lady is large. And rambunctious. And apparently quite hard to please.
See? That's the problem. I can't find a man that can satisfy me. Now some guys go an hour, hour and a half... that's it. A man's got to put in overtime for me to get off.
Third time lucky? Er, no. Not exactly. This is not a woman at all. It's a man in a dress. And there's nothing lady-like about what she's about to say.
Man in dress
I hope you don't mind me coming over here and sitting down but I've been watching you all evening. And I wanna tear you apart. And your friend too.
[SEMMI spits his drink all over the table]
Akeem is horrified that Semmi has decorated and modernised their tiny, filthy room. He can't be seen to have such material concerns. The landlord has a solution to this particular problem.
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna let you boys stay in my apartment and I'll move up here.
Does your apartment look poor?
Yeah, it's a real sh*t-hole. You'll love it.