8 MP3 Audio clips from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Margo and Todd, Clark's long-suffering neighbours can't help but scoff at the sight of the massive tree on his front lawn.

Margo

Looks like the toad overestimated the height of his living room ceiling.

Todd

Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark

Bend over and I'll show ya.

Todd

You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.

Clark

I wasn't talking to you.

Clip 2

It's that time of year when everyone should spread a little cheer. Especially around the office.

Frank

Don't forget that report, Bill

Clark

Yes, sir. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

[As FRANK'S team start to file past, CLARK greets each one of them]

Clark

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss HIS ass, kiss YOUR ass, Happy Hanukkah.

Clip 3

The store assistant in the department store Clark has found himself in is smoking hot. Really. And it throws Clark into a complete spin.

Store Clerk

Can I show you something?

Clark

I was just looking... smelling... SMILING. I was just blouse... browsing.

[Laughs]

Store Clerk

For your wife or your girlfriend?

Clark

Wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they are... HOTTER than they are. Woo, it is warm in here.

Store Clerk

Well, you have your coat on.

Clark

Yes... oh, do I? How did that happen?

Store Clerk

Because it's cold out?

Clark

Yes, yes, yes, it is. It's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out.

[Laughs]

What did I say? Nipple? There is a nip in the air though.

Store Clerk

Can I take something out for you?

[CLARK loses it completely and begins laughing uncontrollably]

Clip 4

The Johnsons have rocked up unexpectedly having driven in a dilapidated RV for hundreds of miles. It's time for introductions.

Catherine

You remember Ruby Sue?

Francis

Oh, yes. Oh my gosh, her eyes aren't crossed any more.

Eddie

That's something, ain't it? She falls in a well... eyes go crossed, she gets kicked by a mule... they go back to normal. I don't know...

Clip 5

Clark finds himself having a late-night conversation with his niece who has appeared unexpectedly in his kitchen.

Clark

What are you doing up, Sweetheart?

Ruby Sue

Rocky bit my thumb.

Clark

What?

Ruby Sue

Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.

Clark

Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue

Sh*ttin' bricks.

Clark

You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue

Sorry. Sh*ttin' rocks.

Clip 6

Clark is standing at the window watching his hillbilly brother-in-law emptying the sewage tank of his RV into the storm drain.

Ellen

What are you looking at?

Clark

Oh. The silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air. And an a**hole in his bath robe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

Clip 7

Having missed out on his annual Christmas bonus, Clark vents his spleen. In epic style.

Clark

If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane... with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here. With a big ribbon on his head. And I wanna look him straight in the eye and I wanna tell him... what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, d*ck-less, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

Clip 8

Some of his family guests have decided to leave. But Clark isn't having any of it.

Clark

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fu*king Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nut house.

Art

You're goofy.

Clark

Don't p*ss me off, Art.