10 MP3 Audio clips from Top Secret! (1984)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Nick Rivers is travelling by train from West to East Germany and using the time to learn German from an audio cassette. Just listen to it!

Tape

Einer blitzen. A pen. Einer flachmaduch. A table. Einer blitzen ist und der flachmaduch. The pen is on the table. Bilhaben flicht mitten und er heiner blatzen. There is sauerkraut in my lederhosen.

Clip 2

Nick has rescued Hilary from the clutches of the Secret Police and now they are sharing a meal at an upmarket restaurant.

Nick

Uh, I'm sorry. I really don't know any German.

Hilary

That's all right. I know a little German. He's sitting over there.

Clip 3

The dinner is going well, except for the fact that Nick doesn't know his impromptu date's name.

Nick

Thank you, um...

Hilary

Hilary.

Nick

Hilary. That's an unusual name.

Hilary

It's a German name. It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'.

Clip 4

The conversation is hardly romantic. In fact, it's the exact opposite of romantic. Nobody needs to hear THIS at the dinner table!

Hilary

Some things are much better left unsaid.

Nick

Like what?

Hilary

Well, you know... sometimes when you blow your nose into a tissue and you put it in your purse then a little while later you have to reach in there for your lipstick or something and your hand gushes into it...

Nick

Okay, okay, you're right, you're right. Some things ARE better left unsaid.

Clip 5

Martin has come to visit Nick in prison. Nick has only been there twenty minutes but he could be staying a lot longer...

Martin

Nick. I've tried everything. The embassy, the German government, consulate, I even talked to the UN Ambassador. It's no use. I just can't bring my wife to orgasm.

Clip 6

Nick has thrown Sergeant Kruger over the balcony at the ballet. Kruger's life hangs in the balance. And, consequently, so does Nick's.

General Streck

Let us hope for your sake that Sergeant Kruger survives.

[The telephone rings and is answered by a SOLDIER]

Soldier

Ja? It is the hospital, Mein General.

General Streck

What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger? Yes. I see. Well, let me know if there is any change in his condition.

[He hangs up]

He's dead.

Clip 7

Even in the face of death, Nick remains defiant. Because Martin is going to rescue him. Isn't he?

Nick

You don't scare me. My manager is on his way right now to the American Consulate.

General Streck

Do not be so sure, Mr. Rivers. Evidently your friend did not realise that here in East Germany we use two hundred and twenty volt current. He was found in his hotel room impaled upon a large electrical device. Our surgeons did what they could but it took them two hours just to get the smile off his face.

Clip 8

Succinctly put, Doctor Flammond. He might be blunt but... yeah, he's just blunt. Blunt as a blind man's pencil.

Dr. Paul Flammond

You must go now, quickly. If they find out you've seen this, your life will be worth less than a truck-load of dead rats in a tampon factory.

Clip 9

The secret to survival. Learning to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion.

Déjà Vu

Do not take it so hard, Nick. Life is filled with its little miseries. Each of us, in his own way, must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion.

[He sneezes into his hands, looks at them, screams and jumps through a window]

Chocolate Mousse

[Laughs]

Clip 10

Nigel and Du Quois have disguised themselves as a cow to infiltrate the prison. Nigel is the rear half. Along comes a calf. Enough said.

Nigel

All right. Let's go. But we've got to hurry.

[A calf is heard mooing]

Du Quois

Mon Dieu!

[The calf begins feeding]

Nigel

Ooooooooooh! Ooooh!

Du Quois

Nigel? You okay?

Nigel

Ooooh. Ooooh yeah.

Du Quios

Let's go!

Nigel

What's the hurry? Why are we always in such a bloody rush? I just wanted to stop to take a... oooh... rest!