12 MP3 Audio clips from Scary Movie 2 (2001)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

There's a gathering of white people at Hell House and they're assembled around the piano, singing. Father Harris decides upon a fresh, new sound and begins to play...

Father Harris

Do you guys know this one?

[Begins to play a tune on the piano]

Guest

Now this is the REAL sh*t!

Guests [Singing]

Shake your ass, watch yourself, shake your ass, show me what you're working with. Don't you know young players and pimps, right now is the place to be. I thought I told y'all nig**rs before, y'all nig**rs don't fu*k with me. Shake your ass, watch yourself, shake your ass, show me what you're working with. Shake your ass...

Megan

[Appears in the doorway wearing a nightdress and a blank stare]

You suck!

Clip 2

Father McFeely arrives at Hell House to conduct an exorcism.

[FATHER McFEELY hammers frantically on the front door and it's opened by MRS. VORHEES]

Father McFeely

I'm Father McFeely.

Mrs. Vorhees

I'm so glad you're here.

Father McFeely

I came as fast as I could. But at my age the little soldier needs a lot more thumpin' before it starts pumpin'. You know what I mean? You know I do find though if I tickle my a**hole just before I unleash the dog of war...

Mrs. Vorhees

It's okay, I... it's okay, I understand.

Father McFeely

You know, 'cos in the old days...

Mrs. Vorhees

Uh huh.

[There's an eerie noise from upstairs]

Father McFeely

How is she?

Mrs. Vorhees

It's gotten worse, Father.

Father McFeely

Really?

Mrs. Vorhees

She... she won't eat, she won't talk... the child won't even let me touch her.

Father McFeely

Yes. Sometimes you have to give them candy.

Clip 3

Father McFeely, in preparation for the exorcism, is blessing the house. He starts in the downstairs bathroom, flies at the window, pants down and seated on the toilet.

Father McFeely

Please Lord. Help me to release this... DEMON.

[There is a sound of a semi-thick liquid hitting the water in the toilet pan]

Father McFeely

Aaaah. Ahhh. Thank you, Lord. The most merciful, almighty.

[There's a second fecal explosion]

Father McFeely

Ahhhh, those enchiladas!

Clip 4

Father McFeely is shown into Megan's bedroom. The child's head turns through a full 360 degrees. Father McFeely reacts immediately.

Father McFeely

Fu*k this!

[He runs away]

Clip 5

Tommy and Ray are running late. As they're getting dressed, they notice that they each have a tattoo.

Tommy

Aww, sh*t, Ray. You... you got a tattoo.

Ray

Oh sh*t! What's it say?

Tommy

'Ray.'

Ray

Oh, man. Oh sh*t, you got a tattoo too!

Tommy

Oh really? Dude...

Ray

Yeah!

Tommy

Dude, what's it say?

Ray

'Fu*ked me.'

Tommy

[Laughs]

Sweet man!

[They begin turning and reading each other's tattoos in turn.]

Tommy

'Ray.'

Ray

'Fu*ked Me.'

Tommy

'Ray.'

Ray

'Fu*ked Me.'

Ray & Tommy

Ray Fu*ked Me!

[Silence descends as the realisation dawns]

Ray

Woooh!

Clip 6

Cindy Campbell is driving to Hell House, singing along to the radio when something really spooky (but not entirely unwelcome) happens.

Cindy [Singing]

We will still be, friends forever.

[The song is stopped abruptly with a sound like a needle being dragged across vinyl]

Singer

Hey! Will you shut the fu*k up and let me sing?

[Clears her throat and the song starts again]

Clip 7

Cindy has arrived at Hell House which appears abandoned save for a parrot in a cage in the entrance hall.

[In the silence, the parrot squawks]

Cindy

Hello, little guy. Look at you.

Parrot

Little? I'm not little. I'm hung like a bull, lady. Check it out. You ever seen a bird d*ck this big? Too much for ya hey, Baby?

Cindy

Yeah.

Parrot

All right well step off then, Sweetcheeks. Come back when you want some real lovin'.

Cindy

Okay.

Parrot

Fu*kin' tease!

Clip 8

Hanson has a shrivelled hand. Dwight Hartman is crippled and is in a wheelchair. The two can't stop mocking each other.

Hanson

Excuse me, Professor but your guests have begun to arrive. And supper shall be served shortly.

Dwight Hartman

Okay. Thanks... HANDY man.

Hanson

Well, I'm actually the caretaker. Oh, uh... aren't those cool new skates? Now you be careful with those. Don't want to fall and break something.

Dwight Hartman

Oh, that's funny. That's real funny. Um... let me give you a HAND.

[He begins to clap]

Hanson

Why that's... that's awful kind of you. How about you give me a standing ovation?

Dwight Hartman

Why don't you LIFT me up?

Hanson

[Laughs]

Okay. I see where you're going with this one. You look familiar to me. Were you in Stomp?

Dwight Hartman

Yeah you can kiss my grits.

Hanson

I think I'll be the bigger man now and walk away. WALK... away.

Clip 9

Dwight is about to have his own run-in with the gobby parrot in the entrance hall. And the parrot doesn't stop at just him. No. Shorty gets a piece of the bird's mind, too!

Dwight Hartman

Hey, hey, hey! Hey there little guy, how you doin'?

Parrot

Fu*k off, Four-Eyes.

Dwight Hartman

I beg your pardon?

Parrot

I said... fu*k off... four... eyes.

Dwight Hartman

I oughta kick your ass.

Shorty

[Appearing at DWIGHT'S shoulder]

Hey hey hey! Relax, son. It's just a bird. Hello, birdy. Polly want a cracker?

Parrot

Polly wants your momma's sweet ass.

Shorty

What did Polly say to me?

Parrot

I said... Polly wants your momma's... sweet... ass.

Shorty

You don't be talking about my Momma, son. You don't know my momma, son.

Parrot

I know your momma. I fu*ked her last night.

Shorty

You want beef? I'll fu*k you up.

Parrot

Ooooh, I'm shakin', I'm shakin'.

Shorty

Oh, nah, fu*k this... I'm handling this sh*t like gentlemen. Hold my tooth, son.

Parrot

Yeah come on, b**ch. You and that Welcome Back Carter haircut want a piece of me? Come on, bring it ON!

Shorty

What? You hardcore? Give me some. What?

[We leave the action as it begins to kick off]

Clip 10

A clown puppet has come to life. It's evil and it's hiding under Ray's bed. He calls him over and then attacks him. Things don't, however, quite go to plan. Ray is more of a monster than the clown is!

Clown

[Giggling]

PEEK-A-BOO! Come on, let's play! Come on, let's play!

[He drags Ray under the bed]

Ray

Stop it!

Clown

This is a fun game...

[It all goes very quiet]

Clown

Hey. What are you doin'?

Ray

Uncle Ray-Ray's got a game.

Clown

Hey, get your finger outta there.

Ray

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

Clip 11

Alex Monday is having a very sexual affair with a ghost. The ghost has realised that Alex Monday is a 'bunny boiler' and is trying to kill her.

Alex

I mean... if we just stick together, no-one can hurt us my love.

Ghost

It was just a booty-call.

Alex

Why won't you TALK to me?

Ghost

Because you gave me crabs.

[ALEX shrieks in anger and smashing is heard as she completely loses her sh*t!]

Clip 12

Cindy's father has adopted the foul-mouthed parrot and the bird is staying with Cindy whilst her father is on vacation.

[Phone rings]

Cindy

[Answering the phone]

Hello? Oh hi, Dad! Are you having fun on your vacation? Oh, no birds are very clean animals. He's no trouble at all.

Parrot

God... DAMNIT! What the FU*K did you put in this bird seed?

[We see the parrot screaming as a stream of liquid poo sprays up the wall behind his cage]