6 MP3 Audio clips from So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)

PLAY ALL 6 CLIPS

Clip 1

Charlie and Tony are at a local performance bar. Tony's dress-sense comes under Charlie's scrutiny.

Charlie

So, Tony. What's the deal with your clothes?

Tony

What do you mean?

Charlie

You look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.

Tony

What do you mean? I look hip.

Charlie

No no no no no no. You look like an undercover cop trying to look hip.

Tony

I am an undercover cop trying to look hip.

Charlie

Yes, but can you do me a favour?

Tony

What?

Charlie

When you come to my parents' house tomorrow night can you not dress like a circa. 1970's pimp? My parents are a little eccentric.

Clip 2

Stuart Mackenzie (also played by Myers) is a typical dour Scotsman and this loving welcome is what he greets his son with.

Stuart

All right, give your mother a kiss or I'll kick your teeth in.

Clip 3

Stuart Mackenzie has some crazy conspiracy theories and he can't help but divulge them to Tony who finds it all rather amusing.

Stuart

Well, it's a well-known fact, Sonny Jim that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world known as The Pentaverate who run everything in the world, including the newspapers and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado known as... The Meadows.

Tony

[Amused]

So who's in this Pentaverate?

Stuart

The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothchilds and Colonel Sanders before he went tits-up. Och, I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eye and that smug look on his face. 'Ooh, you're going to buy my chicken. Oooooh.'

Charlie

Dad, how can you hate... 'The Colonel'?

Stuart

Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes you crave it fortnightly, smartarse.

Charlie

Interesting. Cuckoo!

Clip 4

Ranger John 'Vicky' Johnson is giving an unconventional tour of Alcatraz. He has quite some stories to tell.

Ranger Johnson

Close it up, close it up, close it up. Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell block Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system... a b**ch. And one night in a jealous rage, Kelly took a makeshift knife or 'shiv' and cut out the b**ch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns... p*ssing into the b**ch's ocular cavities. This way to the cafeteria!

Clip 5

Stuart Mackenzie can't help but sing at his son's wedding. A bag-pipe accompanied rendition of a Bay City Rollers number. Marvellous!

Stuart

If you think I'm sexy and you want my body, all you've got to do is call. If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on baby, let me know!

Clip 6

They say it's not over until the fat lady sings. Well, it's also over when the piper collapses on stage.

Stuart

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy...

[The PIPER collapses to the ground]

All right we have a piper who's down. It's all right, he's just p*ssed. We have a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down!