8 MP3 Audio clips from Love, Honour and Obey (2000)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Ray has just witnessed his fiancée kissing another man. Okay, so it WAS a screen kiss and it WAS on the set a TV show but that doesn't stop Ray getting hot under the collar.

Ray Kreed

I thought you said he was a backdoor merchant?

Sadie

It's a fu*king screen kiss, all right?

Ray Kreed

Oh, does he just help 'em out when they're busy?

Sadie

Oh, shut up.

Ray Kreed

A screen kiss? Your tongue's half-way down his throat.

John

Ray, Ray, RAY!

Ray Kreed

Go and make yourself busy.

John

Don't upset her.

Ray Kreed

Go away else I'll cut your face off. Go away.

Sadie

Listen, don't fu*king interfere when you...

Ray Kreed

I'm not interfering...

Sadie

This is my JOB!

Ray Kreed

I'm not interfering but his tongue's been down your throat. You don't know where it's been...

Sadie

Oh, for God's sake...

Ray Kreed

It's probably been wrapped around his c*ck all night. Or someone's c*ck.

Sadie

Oh, shut up.

Director

Hey, hey, look.

Ray Kreed

Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river. Now go away.

Clip 2

Jonny is demonstrating his prowess with a butterfly knife in the pub. Fat Alan points out that it would be little use in a fight against someone like him. And then dares Jonny to stab him. Bad idea!

Fat Alan

That's all very well, Jon but a blade ain't really a very effective weapon when you're up against someone who's trained in several different kinds of martial arts. No, really mate. These hands are like deadly weapons. I can protect myself. Go on, go for it. Stab me you Si.

[JONNY obliges, plunging the blade into FAT ALAN'S side]

Jonny

Why would I do that?

Fat Alan

Uh. He stabbed me! He done me in the guts.

Jonny

Look at his face! Sorry, Bruce!

Fat Alan

What do I do? Leave it in or take it out?

Ray Kreed

Here, here, leave it in and GO out.

Clip 3

Jonny and Jude have paid Sean a visit. Jonny is staring at Sean's henchman, Matthew in an attempt to intimidate him. Matthew isn't intimidated.

Matthew

I think he fancies me, Boss 'cos he can't stop bastard staring. What's your name again? Jonnifer?

Jonny

Sorry, Taff. Didn't mean to make you feel sheepish.

Clip 4

The gang, dressed as Arabs have consumed viagra for a laugh on the way to a heist. By the time they meet with the poor jeweller, they're sporting erections which lead the jeweller to worry.

Ray Kreed

Okay, chaps. Take him over the chaise lounge and, uh, tie him up.

Jeweller

No. Please. Don't hurt me. I've got money.

Ray Kreed

Have him over, Bill.

Jeweller

It is not necessary to tie me but be gentle and use lubricant.

Ray Kreed

What's he say? You're not another backdoor merchant are ya?

Clip 5

Alan and Bill are being tortured. Alan is on all fours like a dog. He's about to suffer a fate worse than a fate worse than death!

Sean

Time for the old, uh, marigolds I think, don't you?

Matthew

Why not, Sir?

Sean

Lovely, off we pop.

[We see SEAN and MATTHEW don floral aprons and pink marigold gloves]

Let's go to work!

Matthew

Right then. Shall we worm him?

Sean

Lovely. Oh, uh, Taff. I think you'll be wanting that mate.

[He hands Matthew a toilet brush]

Matthew

Thank you, Boss.

Sean

Off you go.

[We don't get to see where MATTHEW sticks the toilet brush (luckily) but it's not hard to work out. And he does it violently and with one swing]

Alan

Aargh!

Sean

Oh my God. Oh, Jesus. Bad dog. Bad dog.

Clip 6

There's just been a massive shoot-out between the two gangs. During a lull in the action, Ray plays his Ace card.

Ray Kreed

[Laughing]

Listen, listen, listen, listen. FIX... BAYONETS!

Clip 7

Matthew has thrown a Molotov c*cktail through Ray's car, singeing Alan and totalling the motor. Sean is not best pleased with this escalation in violence.

Sean

You firebombed the North Side you FU*KING LUNATIC. You Welsh streak of lanky P*SS. Are you MAD? You've broken the first cardinal rule. You do NOT fu*k about with people's families. Now I've got KIDS, Taff. Kids fu*king BURN. I should rip your throat out and fu*k the wound right NOW unless you were my cousin. You best brush up your ideas son or I swear to God I'll kill you right NOW.

Clip 8

Ray has come to inspect the burned-out shell that was his Lexus. The gang are gathered to update him on the latest developments.

Ray Kreed

What's fat Alan had another Ruby has he?

Ray

That's South London bombed your motor, mate.

Ray Kreed

[Sighs]

How's Alan?

Ray

Well for someone who's been stabbed, tortured, force-fed LSD, thrown out of a window and blown up, I'd say he's feeling pretty bad, wouldn't you, Ray?

Ray Kreed

What's his middle name? Lucky?