16 MP3 Audio clips from Three Men and a Little Lady (1990)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Clip 1

Peter has been shaving with the assistance of Mary. Sylvia comes in to the bathroom to usher Mary to breakfast.

Peter Mitchell

Hey, did you get that review I put on your desk?

Sylvia Bennington

Yes, I got it. Thank you.

Peter Mitchell

I loved seeing that guy eat crow after what he said about you in Doll's House.

Sylvia Bennington

Peter, don't you think you take my reviews a little too personally?

Peter Mitchell

No, I don't think so.

Sylvia Bennington

Well it seems every time we're in a restaurant and you see a critic you want to throw your butter knife at him.

Peter Mitchell

I would've got the last guy if he hadn't moved.

Sylvia Bennington

Hmmm.

Clip 2

Children say the darndest things. Usually because they've overheard an adult say them. A lesson that Peter should have learned by now.

Sylvia Bennington

Mary, don't you like your oatmeal?

Mary Bennington

It tastes like rubber.

Michael Kellam

It's supposed to taste like rubber.

Mary Bennington

What a crock!

Sylvia Bennington

Hey, where did you hear that expression?

Peter Mitchell

[On the phone to a colleague]

What a crock!

[He hangs up]

What? What'd I do?

Clip 3

The three dads, Sylvia and Mary are celebrating her successful application to their chosen school with a meal at a riverside restaurant. Mary asks a perfectly valid question but her timing is a little off!

Michael Kellam

Anything you want, Mar. Money's no object.

Peter Mitchell

The hamburgers look great.

Waitress

What can I get for you?

Mary Bennington

Do you have a penis?

[A shocked silence ensues]

Michael Kellam

Can we hear your specials please?

Peter Mitchell

This table is a little wobbly here.

Sylvia Bennington

Uh, give us a minute, please.

[She waits for the waitress to leave and turns to MARY]

Mary, that's a very adult word. Where did you hear it?

Mary Bennington

Jenny says her father and her brother have a penis. What is it?

Sylvia Bennington

Peter, you're the architect. Why don't you explain it to her?

Peter Mitchell

[Nervously]

The... penis is the urinary and the copulatory organ of the male mammal. It's composed primarily -

Sylvia Bennington

Thank you.

Peter Mitchell

WHAT?!

Michael Kellam

Did you memorise that?

Sylvia Bennington

I bet he says that to all the girls! Mary and I are going to wash our hands.

[SYLVIA leads MARY off in the direction of the bathrooms]

Clip 4

The gang are having a conversation about relationships.

Peter Mitchell

Nothing shakes up a relationship like marriage.

Michael Kellam

Marriage? Who said anything about marriage?

Sylvia Bennington

Hey, hey, hey, I don't know if I like this attitude around Mary.

Mary Bennington

How come none of you are married?

Men (in chorus)

Ooooh, ummmmmm...

Michael Kellam

I'd like to get back to that question about the penis.

Peter Mitchell

Yeah, we never did cover that did we?

Sylvia Bennington

Come along, Darling before you're permanently warped.

Clip 5

Michael has made the mistake of breaking the rules and 'entertaining' a girlfriend when he was meant to be looking after Mary. Mary reacts just as any child would. By acting up.

Peter Mitchell

Mary, I told you to turn off the television and go to sleep.

Mary Bennington

No!

Michael Kellam

Mary...

Peter Mitchell

You know we leave her with you for a couple of hours and she's crazy, Michael.

Michael Kellam

Hey, don't blame me. She's going through some weird phase.

Peter Mitchell

Well it's no different than before.

Michael Kellam

Oh it's a lot different I'm telling you. Things have gotta change around here.

Peter Mitchell

Yeah, I heard you. Now give me that remote control and go to sleep.

Mary Bennington

No!

Michael Kellam

It's not healthy for a guy to get that excited and have to stop. It's bad for my heart. She wouldn't stop...

Peter Mitchell

Give me that remote.

Michael Kellam

...bothering us all night. Laurie finally left.

Peter Mitchell

That's it, I'm pulling the plug.

Michael Kellam

I'll probably never see her again. I've got a life too, you know.

Peter Mitchell

[In pulling the plug, he manages to topple a standard lamp and knock a doll down from a chest of drawers onto his head]

SH*T!

Mary Bennington

You said the S-word.

Peter Mitchell

No I didn't...

[He pulls the power cord and gives himself an electric shock]

AHHH, SH*T!

Michael Kellam

Pete. Are you listening to me?

Peter Mitchell

No. I'm electrocuting myself!

Sylvia Bennington

[Making a sudden appearance to restore calm]

What is going on here?

Clip 6

Things have calmed down but there are some serious issues that need to be addressed. Stability is needed. Jack decides to step up to the plate.

Jack Holden

You wanna marry me?

Peter Mitchell

Jack. Be serious.

Jack Holden

I am being serious. I mean we had a child together for goodness sake. What do you say? You wanna sleep on it?

Michael Kellam

She did that once before, Jack.

Jack Holden

Hey, shut up!

Clip 7

Peter has come to the theatre to speak privately to Sylvia. He confides that he was married once before. Shocked, she asks him if anyone else knows.

Peter Mitchell

My ex-wife has a dim recollection.

Sylvia Bennington

Obviously it was a wonderful experience for you.

Peter Mitchell

One that can never be equalled. Not without bloodshed anyway.

Clip 8

Sylvia has some big news. She's been rehearsing it. But when she enters the kitchen, she's pipped to the post by Jack's complaint that they've run out of milk.

Jack Holden

Oh, no. Uh, Sylvia there's no more milk.

Sylvia Bennington

I'm getting married.

Jack Holden

Don't overreact. I can get some milk.

Clip 9

Edward is trying his best to be charm personified. But for all of his wit and compliments, Peter can see right through him.

Edward Hargreave

Jack. How are you?

Jack Holden

Well, unemployed.

Edward Hargreave

I always meant to explain why I didn't cast you when you auditioned for me.

Jack Holden

You don't, you don't have... it's all right.

Peter Mitchell

Why didn't you?

Jack Holden

No, no, no, that's all right.

Edward Hargreave

Well I, well I realised that Jack is far too... large an actor for that part. You see, your comic expertise would have thrown the whole play out of balance. I loved your last commercial, by the way. Fabulous.

Jack Holden

Oh, yeah, the laxative one?

Edward Hargreave

You were hysterical.

Jack Holden

I don't, I don't wanna sound conceited or anything but you know a lot of people say that when they watched it they really believed that I was constipated.

Edward Hargreave

As I did. Truly.

Jack Holden

Hey thanks. That means a lot to me.

Sylvia Bennington

I think we need drinks.

Peter Mitchell

[After EDWARD walks past]

I think we need shovels.

Clip 10

It's Peter and Michael's first night at Broughton Castle. Peter has convinced Michael that black tie is the appropriate dress code. He was wrong.

Vera

Has someone died?

Michael Kellam

Not yet.

Clip 11

Peter (whom I should explain is an architect) is watching a marquee being erected outside the castle when Elspeth Lomax, who has a crush on him, creeps up behind him.

Elspeth

Not so splendid as your mighty erections I imagine.

Clip 12

Peter has had to take refuge in a cupboard when a reconnaissance mission to Pileforth Academy ends in Elspeth Lomax getting suspicious. Sadly, she finds him.

Peter Mitchell

Sometimes a man has to be alone.

Elspeth

And sometimes he needs companionship.

Peter Mitchell

Oh, wait, no, look, I'm sorry. Look I, I gotta be totally honest with you. Let's just lay it out, right on the table...

Elspeth

Oh, I'm glad that your infatuation has at last found a voice.

Peter Mitchell

It has?

Elspeth

We have no more excuses now. We are creatures of the night. We are children of La Luna.

Peter Mitchell

Wait, wait, this isn't right. We're breaking all the rules of propriety.

Elspeth

Oh rules, rules, rules are meant to be broken. Oh KISS ME!

Peter Mitchell

Wait, what about the girls?

Elspeth

They can't have you!

[A struggle ensues as she passionately attacks him]

Clip 13

Edward's secret plan to enrol little Mary at the Pileforth Academy has been discovered and on his wedding day, at the altar, he must now explain himself to the woman he was about to marry. Awkward!

Edward Hargreave

Look, I... I only did it out of concern for Mary. We're going to be on the road with the play and that's no way for a child to live.

Sylvia Bennington

[Shaking EDWARD off]

Why didn't you tell me?

Edward Hargreave

Because I didn't want to burden you with it while you were dealing with all this wedding confusion. What I did was wrong. Terribly wrong. And I apologise for that.

Mary Bennington

What a crock!

Edward Hargreave

Oh, shut up you little sh*t!

Peter Mitchell

That's it!

[He punches EDWARD in the face and he falls backwards]

Clip 14

The catchphrase of the movie surely belongs to little Mary Bennington. And here it is, edited to make a perfect message tone.

Mary Bennington

What a crock!

Clip 15

Peter & Michael have arrived in Oxfordshire to pay a surprise visit to little Mary. I have to say that almost NONE of Peter's complaints about England are true. At least, not any more.

[PETER & MICHAEL crest a hill in the Oxfordshire countryside in a red Austin Mini]

Peter Mitchell

What's this thing run on... batteries?

Michael Kellam

Last one they had.

[PETER grinds the gearbox repeatedly]

Peter Mitchell

I hate England. I always have.

Michael Kellam

Pete, as long as we're here, let's look on the bright side.

Peter Mitchell

Okay, okay. You're right. I'm sorry.

[But PETER can't seem to look on the "bright side" after all]

The toilet paper's like Reynolds Wrap.

Michael Kellam

That's a start...

Peter Mitchell

It's so damned cold all the time. The only thing that's warm is the ice.

Michael Kellam

[Laughs]

Peter Mitchell

And you know what I hate most? The way they use words like "schedule."

Michael Kellam

And "vitamins!"

Peter Mitchell

Yeah.

[PETER inadvertently drifts onto the wrong side of the road. Which, in England, is the right side of the road!]

Michael Kellam

Other side, Pete!

Peter Mitchell

Damn!

Clip 16

Whilst her possible induction to an exclusive New York school is discussed next door, Mary joins a class for the morning and creates a family portrait in crayon.

Teacher

Ooooh, lookit! Mary's drawn a picture of a family. Isn't that wonderful? That's wonderful, Mary. Is that you?

Mary Bennington

[Nods]

Teacher

Yeah? Is that your Mommy?

Mary Bennington

Yes.

Teacher

And... who's that?

Mary Bennington

That's my biological Daddy.

Teacher

Oh. Who's that?

Mary Bennington

That's my one honorary Daddy and that's my other honorary Daddy. We all live together.

Teacher

O-kay!