10 MP3 Audio clips from Ted (2012)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

The opening scene of the movie. It's Christmas Eve and apparently the population of Boston are anti-semitic.

Narrator

It was Christmas Eve and all the children were in high spirits. That special time of year when Boston children gather together and beat up the Jewish kids.

Clip 2

Young John has just discovered that Ted is alive. He can't wait to tell his parents.

John

Mom, Dad… guess what? My teddy bear's alive.

Mom

Really? Well isn't that exciting?

John

No, Mom… he's really alive. Look…

Ted

Merry Christmas, everybody!

[MOM and DAD scream and recoil in horror]

Dad

Jesus H Fu*k!

Clip 3

This can't be true about ALL Boston girls. Can it?

Ted

Did… did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? Ohh, yah. Ohh yah. Harder. Harder. Ohh God that was so good. Now I'm gonna stuff my fu*king face with Pepperidge Farm.

Clip 4

John and Ted are life-long "Thunder Buddies", even in their thirties.

John

[There's a loud and sudden crash of thunder]

Ahh! Ohh.

Lori

I don't... I don't understand. Thirty-five years old and you're still scared of a little thunder.

John

I am not, I...

[TED comes running into the room]

Ted

Thunder Buddies for life, right, Johnny?

John

Fu*kin' right.

Ted

All right, come on let's sing the Thunder Song.

John

All right.

John & Ted

When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your Thunder Buddy and say these magic words. Fu*k you, Thunder, you can suck my d*ck. You can't get me Thunder 'cos you're just God's farts.

Clip 5

Laurie and John have returned home unexpectedly to find Ted on the sofa with four prostitutes and, inexplicably, there's a turd on the floor.

Lori

What is that?

Ted

What... what is what?

Lori

There's a... a sh*t on my floor. In the corner there is a sh*t!

Ted

Oh, yeah, yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare and, uh, Shareen's pretty ballsy.

Clip 6

Ted is off on a job interview. John has dressed him in a suit and tie. Ted is not happy about his attire. Or the arrangement in general.

Ted

I look stupid.

John

No you don't. You look dapper.

Ted

I don't. I look like Snuggles' accountant.

Joh

Come on, it's not that bad.

Ted

John, I look like something you give your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Clip 7

Ted is being interviewed for a cashier job. He's trying to fail.

Boss

So you think you've got what it takes?

Ted

I'll tell you what I've got. You wife's pu**y on my breath.

Boss

Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.

Ted

That's 'cos everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box.

Boss

You're hired.

Ted

Sh*t.

Clip 8

A weird kid and his even weirder Dad are trying to buy Ted from John. John has told the kid that Ted's not for sale. And then it gets REALLY weird.

Kid

Stand up straight when you're talking to me.

John

Why the fu*k would he say THAT?

Kid's Dad

Sorry, you know you really shouldn't swear in front of children.

Clip 9

Ted has invited John over for a smoke. John is making an excuse to his boss, Thomas.

John

I gotta cut out for a bit. Laurie tried to break up a dog fight and I guess she got hurt pretty bad.

Thomas

Oh my God.

John

Yeah, she's... I mean that's the way she is. She sees trouble and she wants to help out and I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up and had to stick his finger in his ass.

Thomas

Oh, Jesus.

John

Yeah, she's pretty shook up.

Thomas

Up the dog's ass, right?

John

Yeah. Up the dog's ass, not the fireman's ass.

Thomas

I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass.

John

No, I don't think a firefighter would do that.

Thomas

Well, go, go, take care of it. Let me know how she is.

John

Thank you.

Thomas

Go.

Clip 10

Ted is in trouble. He's been caught having sex with a check-out girl on top of produce in the storeroom.

Boss

You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.

Ted

I fu*ked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

Boss

That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.

Ted

You gotta lot of problems, don't you?