18 MP3 Audio clips from Vacation (2015)

PLAY ALL 18 CLIPS

Clip 1

Twelve-year-old Kevin bullies his older brother, James mercilessly. Here, he's written 'I have a vagina' on his guitar and is receiving a dressing-down.

Debbie

Kevin, apologise to your brother, please.

Kevin

Fine. I'm sorry.

Debbie

Now go to your room.

Kevin

[Quietly to himself]

I was in my fu*king room.

Rusty

Woah! Hey, Kevin, get back down here.

[KEVIN comes back down the stairs]

Now listen. There are a lot of boys who are born with vaginas. It's very hard for them.

Debbie

Honey.

Rusty

Hmm?

Debbie

Wh..why?

Rusty

It's a teachable moment, Hon. Gender fluidity, right? It's a very serious issue.

James

I'm not gender fluid.

Rusty

It doesn't matter if you are. The point is, your Mom and I would love you even if you were completely blank down there.

Debbie

Okay, that's not... this is not the point. This... Kevin? Just go to your room.

Kevin

Hey, James. Don't get your gender fluid on me.

Clip 2

The Griswalds are having a dinner party. James is trying to engage the fourteen-year-old daughter of his parents' friends in conversation. Awkwardly.

James

Sheila. So, um, Sh... Sheila. Sheila.

Sheila

What?

James

Do you like school this year?

Sheila

It's okay.

Kevin

[Mocking his brother]

So... do you like school this year? That's seriously what you sound like. Just shut up.

Clip 3

Rusty is about to announce the family's road trip to Walley World.

Rusty

Guys, I have exciting news.

Kevin

James has AIDS?

Rusty

What? No. That's horrible.

Kevin

I'd be excited.

Clip 4

Rusty is trying to persuade his family that a road trip to Walley World is a good idea.

Rusty

And of course it wouldn't hurt for the boys to learn to get along a little better.

Debbie

Uh, by locking them in a car together?

Rusty

Yeah.

Kevin

[Hitting the table]

This is bullsh*t right here.

Debbie

Hey! Language.

Kevin

Well it is. I'm gonna miss the first week of wresting practice.

Rusty

We'll find a wrestling range along the way.

Kevin

That's not even a thing.

James

And, Dad. No offence but I just don't want to do my first big road trip to some corporate theme park, you know? I'd like to explore the real America like, uh, Jack Kerouac or... The Merry Pranksters.

Kevin

[Punches JAMES on the shoulder and bicep]

Don't say weird sh*t.

James

Ow!

Rusty

Kevin. Bullying.

Clip 5

Rusty is STILL trying to sell his road trip to Walley World. It's a hard sell.

Rusty

C'mon, Honey. What do you say we drive out and fly back?

Debbie

Ohhhh... what the heck. It couldn't be as bad as that stupid cabin right, Honey?

Rusty

Yes. That's the spirit.

Kevin

Fu*k... me.

Clip 6

Rusty has just tried and failed to demonstrate a safety system on the Tartan Prancer that prevents someone slamming their arm in the door. Twice.

Rusty

Aggghh. Nobody slam their arm in the door, okay?

Kevin

Can I slam it on James' balls?

James

So you admit I have balls?

Kevin

Yeah, they hang out of your vagina.

Debbie

Okay, you two...

Rusty

Guys. Come on. There's plenty of time for that.

Clip 7

Rusty spots a truck in his rear-view and decides to use the Prancer's built-in CB radio to communicate. What could possibly go wrong?

Rusty

Yeah, oh hey... looks like we got ourselves a little old convoy. Let's say hi. Now, guys... you just have to speak their lingo. Right? I'm gonna ask them if there's any police up ahead.

[Into the radio mic]

Breaker one-nine to Rubber Ducky. You got any smokey the bears in your kitchen? Over?

Trucker

You're clean and green for the next twenty clicks.

Rusty

He replied!

Debbie

What did that even mean?

Rusty

I have no idea. But who cares?

James

He seems nice.

Rusty

He does seem nice, doesn't he?

[Into the radio mic]

Copy that, good buddy. Over.

Kevin

Oh, can I try, Dad?

Rusty

Yeah. Course. When you've finished talking, say over.

Kevin

Okay. Cool.

[Into the radio mic]

Breaker one-nine, my friend Jessie says all truck drivers are rapists. Are you a rapist?

Rusty

No. No.

Kevin

[Into the radio mic]

Sorry. Over.

Rusty

No. No. Ohhhhh.

Debbie

What are you doing?

Kevin

What?

Rusty

You're ruining it.

Kevin

It's a question.

Rusty

[Into the radio mic]

Uh, sorry about that there good buddy. You know how little boys are when their mouths get going.

[Laughs]

Uhh, I don't, I, I, not to imply that you are fond of when little boys mouths get going in any way. I'm not suggesting that you are a sex offender or a paedophile.

[Drops the mic]

Yeah. So that's CB radio guys. Neat, huh?

Kevin

Hey, Dad... what's a paedophile?

Rusty

Well, Kevin when a man and a boy love -

Debbie

No.

Rusty

- each other very much...

Debbie

No.

Clip 8

Rusty and Debbie were about to make love in the shower. But it's full of mould and slime and there's a mark not unlike a suicide halo on the wall.

Rusty

Yeah. I'm gonna see if there's something to clean that with.

Debbie

Mmm.

Rusty

Maybe the housekeeping left, uh... Oh. There's a brillo pad. I'll just...

[He starts trying to scrub the dirt off the wall of the bath]

Debbie

Rust...

Rusty

Yeah.

Debbie

That's not a brillo pad. That's a ball of pubic hair.

Rusty

Aaargh!

Debbie

Oh my gosh.

Rusty

There's so much of it.

Debbie

Who has that much pubic hair? It's not even possible.

Rusty

No. Not one person. That's all different colours.

Clip 9

James has happened upon Adena, the cute girl from the Jeep he saw earlier. He's awkwardly chatting her up when Rusty decides to play ‘wing man'. Disaster!

Rusty

Well. What have we here? Little Romeo and Juliet situation? My name's Russ. Nice to meet you BOTH. I'm just a stranger, passing through town. But I couldn't help noticing how incredibly handsome this young man is. What's your story? You got a girlfriend..

James

No.

Rusty

Whatttt? No girlfriend? Cute boy like that, someone's gonna snatch you up.

Adena

Do you want me to call the cops?

James

No.

Rusty

And he plays guitar? Dreamboy! Make a muscle.

James

I'd...

Rusty

Do it!

James

... rather not.

Rusty

Take your shirt off. Make a muscle.

James

I really don't want to.

Rusty

Don't be shy. Show us what you're working with.

Adena

All right. Um. I should go.

[Whispering]

Are you sure you'll be okay?

James

I think so.

Clip 10

Following the Adena disaster, Rusty offers to have 'that talk' with James. James declines.

James

We don't need that chat.

Rusty

Yeah? Come on. I know it's embarrassing but it'd be a lot more embarrassing if you found yourself tummy to tummy with a lady friend and didn't know what goes where.

James

I know what goes where.

Rusty

You do?

James

Uh huh.

Rusty

Sure?

James

Yep.

Rusty

All right. All right.

Clip 11

James may have passed on the ‘birds and bees' talk but has a question he needs to ask about a certain act he's heard friends talking about. Rusty is all ears.

James

Uh, there's some kids at school who were talking about... rimjobs.

Rusty

Hmm.

James

So, what's that? What's a... rimjob?

Rusty

I would guess a rimjob is when you kiss someone with your mouth closed. Right? So you're only using the rim of your mouth. Any other questions?

James

I guess not.

Rusty

Hope you're not too old to let your Dad give you a goodnight rimjob.

Clip 12

The boys are excited about seeing their cool Uncle, Stone Crandall.

James

Mom, do you think Uncle Stone will let me ride his horse?

Debbie

I don't see why not.

Kevin

Do you think I can shoot his guns?

Debbie

No you cannot.

Kevin

[To JAMES]

Too bad. I would have shot you right off that fu*king horse.

Clip 13

The Griswalds have decided to ask a local for alternative directions to the hot springs. The man has a rat on his shoulder.

Man

Yeah, I'll tell you what y'all do. Uh, do you see that dirt road? That path there on the left?

Rusty

Yeah.

Man

If you just follow that, all the way up, that'll take you to the hot springs.

Rusty

All right. Perfect. Thank you.

Man

Oh no, no. You bet. Y'all, y'all have a good time.

Rusty

Oh, will do. Hey, what's your pet rat's name?

Man

Is my pet what?

[He freaks out, trying to shake the rat free]

What the fu*k? What the fu*k? I don't know him.

Clip 14

Rusty and Stone are about to round up the cattle on quad bikes.

Rusty

Are there helmets?

Stone

Yeah I keep 'em with the tampons.

Rusty

It's basic safety.

Clip 15

Rusty has driven THROUGH one of Stone's cows earlier. The dust has settled and it's time to make light of a grizzly, unpleasant experience.

Rusty

Maybe for lunch we could find a burger place. You know? Like a, uh, like a drive THRU burger place?

James

I dunno, Dad. I think we should, uh, STEER clear of that.

Rusty

Good one, James.

Debbie

All right, enough you guys. Dad hit a cow, okay? Let's just MOOOVE on.

Kevin

Oh I got one.

Rusty

Yeah? Let's hear it.

Kevin

James is a piece of sh*t.

Debbie

Oh.

Rusty

You kinda missed the point there, buddy.

Clip 16

The family, having destroyed the Prancer, hitch a ride with the trucker who's been stalking them for hundreds of miles. One question, however, remains.

Debbie

Hey, you know you never told us why you keep that teddy bear on the front of your truck.

Rusty

Oh yeah.

Trucker

Oh, it makes the kids feel more comfortable.

Rusty

Oh yeah? You have kids?

Trucker

Nope.

Clip 17

Rusty and Debbie are about to make the beast with two backs at his parents' B&B.

Debbie

Are we gonna do this?

Rusty

Oh yeah. I'm gonna pound the sh*t out of you.

Debbie

Lock the door.

Rusty

I'm gonna lock the sh*t out of that door.

Clip 18

They've made it to Walley World. They've queued for hours to ride the Velociraptor. And then Rusty's nemesis jumps the queue. It's on!

Pilot

Wait a minute. You... Econo-Air. Yeah? Good to see ya. All right. I'll tell you what. Why don't you and your family go fu*k yourselves?