10 MP3 Audio clips from Me, Myself & Irene (2000)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

Charlie is in denial that Jamaal, Lee Harvey and Shonté Junior are the result of his wife's affair with a chauffeur. His colleague tries to drum it home.

Finnernan

Charlie. Just between you and me, do you ever notice that your kids have sort of a year-round tan?

Charlie

Yeah, well, uh, my great-grandmother's half Italian.

Finnernan

Half Italian? Well that's probably why the water beads off the hair, huh?

Charlie

Yeah, so? A lot of people have a different kind of hair.

Finnernan

Oh yeah.

Charlie

What are you, what are you getting at?

Finnernan

Well, no, no, I'm just saying it's... Come on Charlie, Godammit, those kids' d*cks are bigger than them sausages.

Charlie

Hey, knock it off, Finneran. Those are my kids you're talking about.

Clip 2

Layla is leaving Charlie for a limo driver. He has one last shot in his arsenal.

Charlie

But you said you'd eat whale blubber.

Limo Driver

Oh she'll be eating blubber, all right. Just as soon as I free willie!

Clip 3

Charlie has come across a little girl skipping rope in the street. He asks her to move it up onto the sidewalk but isn't prepared for her response.

Charlie

Sweetie. That's kind of dangerous. Wanna move it up onto the sidewalk away from the traffic?

Little Girl

My Dad says you're a joke and I don't have to listen to you.

Charlie

Well, your father is entitled to his opinion but I am an officer of the law and, uh, by all rights I could, uh -

Little Girl

FU*K OFF!

Charlie

You should watch your mouth little girl.

Little Girl

[Screams loudly, causing CHARLIE to run away]

Clip 4

Hank makes his first appearance. A woman has tricked him into letting her jump the checkout queue. Big mistake.

Hank

Vagiclene huh? What's the matter, Honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?

Woman

Excuse me?

Hank

No, excuse ME.

[He dumps his helmet in the cart]

There's no tag on this.

[He reaches for the public address microphone]

Price check on Vagiclene, aisle five. I repeat, price check on Vagiclene, aisle five. That's VAGICLENE. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sour dough.

Clip 5

Hank walks out of the supermarket and bumps into the local proud father. And then the little girl who was skipping rope. He dunks her in the town fountain.

Guy

Hey, Big Guy. Did you hear the news? My son Billy's got the lead in the High School musical.

Hank

Well... I guess he likes the c*ck after all.

[Cut to the LITTLE GIRL screaming under water. She is finally dragged up for air]

Hank

Still wanna skip rope in the street?

Little Girl

I'm telling my Daddy on your, Charlie.

Hank

Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, fu*kface.

[He thrusts her head underwater again]

Clip 6

Charlie has just brought Irene from Rhode Island to New York on the pillion seat of his patrol bike.

Irene

Does your ass feel numb?

Charlie

[Examining his tablets]

No but... they give me unbelievable cotton mouth.

Irene

I meant from the ride.

Charlie

Oh. No. No. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding.

Clip 7

Hank Evans (Charlie's alter ego) is formally introducing himself to Irene.

Hank

Name's Hank. Hank Evans.

[In an exaggerated French accent]

For little girls!

Clip 8

Charlie's sons have just saved his life by radioing in a fake sighting of their father. The cop they've kidnapped might have got away with it too, only…

Jamaal

Come on. Let's roll.

Officer Stoobie

Yeah, well you guys are making a big mistake. 'Cos I promise you when I find your old man I'm personally gonna fu*k him up.

Shonte Junior

Now why you go and say something like that for, huh?

Jamaal

Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?

Lee Harvey

Four point oh eight centimetres.

Jamaal

Nah, nah what's that in inches?

Lee Harvey

One point six one. Now what the fu*k you getting at man?

Jamaal

I got ten bucks say I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.

Shonte Junior

Man you can't put no chicken egg up his ass. Man, look at him. He a tight ass.

Jamaal

No, it can be done.

Lee Haqrvey

Yo. I'll take that bet.

Clip 9

Dickie has just been knocked unconscious on the train.

Irene

It's Dickie. It's the guy that got me into all this... crap.

Hank

Oh, your golf buddy.

Irene

Yeah.

Hank

Well I hope he doesn't mind if I play through.

Irene

Knock it off.

Hank

Okay, turn around. I'll play the back nine.

Irene

Stop it.

Hank

Come on. He couldn't have chewed up the greens that badly.

Irene

Get away from me.

Hank

Woah!

Clip 10

Hank is beating Charlie up at the train station, much to the bemusement of on-lookers.

Hank

Hi, Ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Wanna see my weasel?

[He unzips his fly and exposes himself, causing the women to scream and run away]