14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Phoenix Nights (2001)

PLAY ALL 27 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Jerry has got a job as a greeter at the local supermarket. He's singing about black bin bags to the tune of Forget Me Nots.

Jerry

Come and get your black bin bags. They're on offer 'til December. Come and get your black bin bags. They're long and black and slender. Heavy duty black bin bags. No matter what your gender. Heavy duty black bin bags. Whether bi or straight or bender.

The Phoenix is rising. Brian gives an empowering speech to the theme from Black Beauty. Or some such bollocks.

Brian

We don't need a brewery. We can do it. Balls to 'brewery. Bottles, cans, that's all you need to run a club.

Kenny Senior

Hey, and my home brew. It's won awards.

Brian

It tastes like p*ss.

Kenny Senior

That, that WAS p*ss.

Following the fire, Brian receives the initial findings of the Fire Brigade. Sadly he doesn't quite understand.

Firefighter

Right, well we managed to save your main cabaret room but the first started really quickly so you've lost your other function room, your office and your other games room.

Brian

Oh, God.

Firefighter

I think you've been really lucky.

Brian

Lucky? LUCKY? How?

Firefighter

Well, if you'd have had batteries in those smoke alarms... It started in the gents toilet.

[Another FIREFIGHTER appears carrying a smouldering waste paper basket]

Firefighter

There's your culprit.

Brian

HIM?

Firefighter

Discarded fag.

Brian

Discarded fag?

Les

What's happened?

Brian

Some queer's burned me club down, Lesley.

Kenny Senior is up to his usual bullsh*t.

Kenny Senior

I don't need a suit. I've a special skin. Asbestos. The doctors are baffled. I'm a genetic freak, me.

Firefighter

Wa*ker.

Dodgy Eric strikes again. The bouncy castle for the Phoenix's Family Fun Day is decidedly adult in nature.

Brian

It's a family fun day man.

Eric

Yeah?

Brian

There's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a... love length.

Ray Von is operating a child's merry-go-round. His announcements aren't strictly appropriate.

Ray Von

The louder you scream, the faster the ride. Remember, fun is the key but keep seated at all times or you may die. Shabba!

Brian is selling fake artefacts from the Phoenix Club fire. They're actually being freshly burned around the back.

Woman

How much are your ashtrays?

Brian

Four quid.

Woman

Go on, I'll have two.

Brian

Jerry, two ashtrays please for this lady.

Jerry

[Burning his hand on the still hot ashtray]

Argh! Bastard! Bastard! Sh*t!

Brian

Some of us are still suffering, love.

Max is sitting in a toilet cubicle listening to various farting noises from all around him.

Max

I'll name that tune in one!

Max doesn't know the difference between using 'Old Man' as a euphemism for a penis and the more traditional meaning of the phrase.

Paddy

Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam. First one I went with made me wash me old man in 'sink.

Max

You took your Dad?

Allowing the Phoenix crew to write the messages for home-made fortune cookies probably wasn't the best idea.

Brian

We're gonna make a fortune... cookie. Ha ha ha. Fortune cookie. We've got some of them there. Home-made fortune cookies. Just crack one off, son. What's it say?

Journalist

P*ss flaps.

Brian

P*ss flaps? P*ss flaps? P*ss flaps? What the hell's that about? P*ss flaps?

Holy Mary is serving behind the bar, still “wearing” the love eggs she got from the Anne Summers party earlier. They suddenly take effect.

Holy Mary

Ohhhhh! OHHHHHH! SWEET JESUS!

As a general rule, bringing a Mauser C96 to a 'hit' is like bringing a pocket knife to a sword fight. Only more dangerous.

Paddy

Max. I know how to shoot a gun.

Max

It's a Broomhandle Mauser. It's not a gun.

Paddy

Max. I know what I'm doing.

Max

Right. Okay. Go on.

Paddy

[Fires the gun, hitting the target but merely wounding him and making him scream loudly]

Paddy is looking forward to Ladies' Night at the Phoenix.

Paddy

Let me tell you my friend, the wine's not the only thing that flows. All those bored housewives gagging for it.

Spencer

My mum's a housewife.

Paddy

Is she? Does she look like that?

Spencer

[PADDY shows LES the double-page spread of a porno magazine. Stunned, he drops a glass which smashes on the floor]

There are some conversations that you don't want to overhear. And that are weird with a capital W.

Receptionist

Took me back to his place, dropped his trousers. Couldn't believe it. Anyway, he's just about to get to the vinegar strokes and his bloody mobile phone goes off. Can I call you back, Mum?

[Hangs up]

Yes, can I help?!