13 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Phoenix Nights (2001)

PLAY ALL 27 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Max is up a ladder which Paddy is holding. Not a great time, then, to mock Paddy's hair loss.

Max

[Laughs]

Eh? Baldy. Baldy bouncer.

Paddy

Leave it.

Max

Baldy, baldy, baldy... baldy, baldy, baldy...

Paddy

LEAVE IT!

Dodgy Eric is purveyor of the Phoenix Club's amusements. And he's frankly crap at his job.

Brian

I've got a deformed snooker table, a Nazi bandit that pays out in Deutschmarks and a flavoured condom machine that's ten years out of date.

Eric

And?

Brian

And? Would you suck a ten-year-old banana?

Eric

No.

Brian

No. Neither will they.

Jerry is one of the good guys. Sound as a pound. Even if he IS sh*tting blood.

Brian

He's one of the good guys, Jerry.

Paddy

Oh, sound as a pound. Is he still sh*tting blood?

The group have just stumbled upon a horse from the Western night making sweet love to the robotic bucking bronco in an adjacent room.

Young Kenny

What's up with it?

Brian

What's up with it? It's... it's p*ssed that's what's up with it. Get Colin Bibby. Let go of me!

Kenny Senior

How you do know?

Brian

How do I know? I know a p*ssed horse when I see one. Get it a kebab.

Keith Lard, the 'dog loving' fire safety inspector is accompanied by the dubious Kenny on an inspection of the Phoenix Club.

Kenny Senior

You ever been to Mexico?

Keith

No. Padlocked? A fire door? Do you, do you know, do you know the Mexican for 'let us out, let us out, we're burning, aarghhhh!'?

Kenny Senior

(Kenny says something which SOUNDS Spanish but probably isn't, ending with the only intelligible word, 'aarghhh!')

The club's star turn tonight is dodgy psychic Clinton Baptiste. What could possibly go wrong?

Clinton Baptiste

You've gotta be cruel to be kind. Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm only telling you what the spirits are telling me. Now...

[He points at a frankly huge man in the front row]

... I'm getting the word... NONCE!

[All hell breaks loose]

Keith Lard is trying to give a fire safety talk. It's not going well.

Keith

Pay attention please.

[Having failed to gain their attention, he pulls out a gas-powered fire horn and blasts it causing a man to drop a tray of drinks]

Man

You pr**k!

It's what every woman wants. A meal for two and a pearl necklace.

Brian

No. I'm talking about me and Beverley.

Jerry

Oh?

Brian

I'm taking her back to Chez Potter. We're going to have a meal.

Jerry

Meal? I didn't know you could cook.

Brian

Oh aye. Have a meal for two and the world's your lobster. I'm thinking of giving her a pearl necklace.

If anyone can lip-read, I'd love to know what Jerry was saying as he dried his hands.

Jerry

[We can see JERRY'S mouth moving but the noise from a hand dryer is drowning out the words. That is until the dryer stops, mid-sentence]

...covered in p*ss.

Brian's romantic evening with Beverley is going well. Right up until the accidental viewing of hardcore pornography.

[The footage of a firework display disintegrates and is replaced with hardcore pornography. A woman is heard moaning seductively.]

Voiceover

Splash your cream right in her headlights.

Brian

Where's the remote? Where's the remote? Knock it off. It's Jerry's tape this. It's Jerry's. Knock it off.

Brian doesn't like prank calls. Especially late at night.

Brian

[The phone rings, waking BRIAN from his slumber]

Who is this? Hello?

Sergeant Patterson

Mr. Potter?

Brian

Who is this?

Sergeant Patterson

This is Sergeant Patterson. I'm ringing regarding a break-in at your -

Brian

Ohhhhh, break in now is it? Eh? Who's broke in? Bloody fire brigade? Burned down a minute ago you sick bastards.

Sergeant Patterson

I beg your pardon?

Brian

Do you? Well cop for this.

[BRIAN puts the handset under the duvet and farts into it]

Goodnight!

Max has installed a car alarm which allows him to use any recording as the siren. He chose this.

Car alarm

Get back you bastards, I'll break your legs (siren). Get back you bastards, I'll break your legs (siren).

Max

That's me. That's my voice!

Paddy

That is sh*t hot!

Kenny is telling another of his tall tales. Brian is ignoring him.

Kenny Senior

So I woke up, rolled over and guess who's lying next to me? Bonnie Langford.

Brian

Look at that lot. They're like pigs on heat.

Kenny Senior

Nearly broke her back.