10 MP3 Audio clips from Happy Gilmore (1996)

PLAY ALL 10 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's a pro-celebrity tournament and Happy has been partnered up with veteran game show host Bob Barker. What could go wrong?

Bob Barker

I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.

Happy

You'd better relax, Bob.

Bob Barker

There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.

Happy

All right, let's go.

[A fight breaks out between HAPPY and his ageing golf partner]

Happy

You like that, old man? You wanna piece of me?

Bob Barker

I don't want a PIECE of you. I want the whole thing.

Happy

[Having triumphed]

The price is WRONG, b**ch!

Clip 2

Happy can't handle it when things go badly. He reverts to his Ice Hockey days.

Happy

[Having swung for the ball and missed the tee altogether, HAPPY goes into meltdown. So does the bleep machine.]

Clip 3

Chubbs Peterson has come across Happy standing in front of a throwing machine, getting blasted in the body at full power.

Happy

Oh, yeah yeah, bring that sh*t on, man. Oh God I LOVE it. Oh God that hurt a little but I'm all right.

Chubbs

My God, son, what the hell are you doing?

Happy

Three hundred and sixty-four more days until next year's hockey trials. I gotta toughen up. YEAAHHH! Oh GOD that felt good. YEAAHHH!

Chubbs

Come on, boy. Cut that out. You're making me sick.

Clip 4

Happy is practicing his putting at a local Crazy Golf centre. He's stuck on a large plastic clown which laughs at every missed putt.

Happy

Ha ha ha ha ha! He's laughing. He's having a good time. Good for you. Yeah, laugh it up. Enjoy your night, huh? Ha ha!

Chubbs

Come on, Happy. Concentrate.

Happy

I hate that clown.

Chubbs

Easy. If you can't beat the clown, how you gonna beat Shooter McGavin?

Happy

[Finally getting his ball in the hole]

YEAH!

[The clown makes a hawking up sound and spits it back out]

You're gonna DIE clown!

[Happy attacks the clown with his club]

You think THAT's funny? I don't hear you laughing now.

Chubbs

Woah, woah, woah! Enough. Enough.

Clip 5

It's tough talk in the bar during the tournament and Shooter lays his cards on the table.

Shooter

Let's get on thing straight. This is Shooter's tour. I've worked hard my whole life, paid my dues and now it's Shooter's turn. And Shooter's not about to let his reign at the top be spoiled by some freak, sideshow clown.

Happy

Did you just call me a freak? I was on the tour for one reason. Money. But now I've got a NEW reason. Kicking your ASS.

Shooter

Well...

[Laughs]

I'd like to see you try.

Happy

[Smashes a beer bottle on the bar and brandishes it towards SHOOTER]

Let's do it!

Shooter

Hey! I meant on the golf course.

Clip 6

The full extent of his grandmother's debt and the plans of the IRS to sell her house take their toll on Happy.

IRS Agent

Mrs. Gilmore owes the IRS two hundred and seventy thousand dollars in back taxes.

Happy

Oh my God.

IRS Agent

We have to take the house and if you can't get the money together in ninety days, we're gonna have to sell the house to someone else. You hate me don't you?

Happy

No, no, no. I don't hate you.

IRS Agent

[Having been launched bodily through a window]

He hates me!

Clip 7

There's an old adage about assessing the person you're about to insult. Especially when that man is 7' 2” tall and built like a truck.

Larson

Trying to reach the green from here, Shooter?

Shooter

That's not possible, Sir.

Larson

I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore achieved that feat no more than an hour ago.

Shooter

[Turning as he begins to speak]

Well, Moron, good for Happy Gilm..m..my GOD!

Clip 8

Shooter McGavin has bought the house belonging to Happy's grandmother from the IRS.

Happy

Hey, Shooter!

Shooter

Yup.

Happy

Tour championship's next week, right?

Shooter

That's right.

Happy

If I beat you, I get the house back. You beat me, I'll quit.

Shooter

You're gonna beat me? At golf?

[Laughs]

Oh, you're on. You're in big trouble though pal, I eat pieces of sh*t like you for breakfast.

Happy

You eat pieces of sh*t for breakfast?

Shooter

No!

Clip 9

Grandma has been moved to a retirement home. One of the orderlies, Hal L. is a complete a**hole.

Grandma

Sir, um, could I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.

Hal L

You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up. Now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, Grandma.

Grandma

Oh dear.

Clip 10

Hal L is supplementing his meagre income by selling the quilts the old ladies make. He really is a piece of sh*t!

Hal L

[Speaking on the phone]

Marty? If you'd stop yapping your trap for a second I could tell ya. The price is two hundred dollars per quilt. Yeah well this is hand-made quality sh*t we're talking here. Yes, well when you need 'em by? All right. Good doin' business with ya.

[He terminates the call and addresses the assembled OLD FOLK]

Okay, listen up everybody, turn up your volumes. Announcement. I got good news. We're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.

Old Lady

My fingers hurt.

Hal L

What's that?

Old Lady

My fingers hurt.

Hal L

Oh, well, oh. Now your back's gonna hurt 'cos you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt? I didn't think so.