13 MP3 Audio clips from Season 3 of The Inbetweeners (2008)

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Jay has also now passed his driving test.

Jay

Morning, benders. Jump in the Minge Mobile.

Will

Strange thing to call your Mum's car.

Will isn't overly impressed with his date for the evening but Jay, as usual, tries to put a positive (if sexist and decidedly creepy) spin on the situation.

Jay

You gonna go for it then? I mean she's a freak but there's nothing like a blowjob.

Will

And you'd know because you've had so many blowjobs.

Jay

Yeah.

Neil

When was your first then, Jay?

Jay

Oh. Long time back. Many suckjobs ago now. Years.

Simon

YEARS AGO? Bollocks.

Jay

Got one off the cleaner when I was twelve.

Simon

Who was your cleaner? Gary Glitter?

Simon is at Neil's house. So is Tara. Simon wants to take Tara upstairs. He needs to explain this to Neil. Neil finally gets it. And then puts his foot in it. As usual!

Simon

I want to spend some time alone and not in your kitchen with Tara.

Neil

Oh, right. Time together, yeah? What for?

Simon

Neil!

Neil

Oh...right. That. Well go on then.

Simon

Cheers, mate.

Neil

Oh, try not to spunk on the sheets.

[In the same breath, he turns to speak to someone else in the kitchen]

Do you want any more crisps, Gran?

Jay's Walter Mitty character is shining through yet again. Sadly, his friends no longer believe him.

Will

Neil, how on Earth is Jay allowed to ride your bike back without a licence or insurance?

Jay

Don't sh*t your pants, Health & Safety. Neil can't do it because of his arm and the dealer's happy for me to take it because I used to be a stunt rider.

Will

It rhymes with stunt.

Simon

Well we know that's bollocks.

Jay

Is it? 'Cos I can show you a DVD of me leaping over five lorries on Blue Peter if you like.

Will

Oh wow! Did you make it into the Guinness Book of Fictional Records?

Jay

Fu*k off!

Simon and Carly have finally got it together. Sadly, she's turned out to be somewhat controlling and this doesn't escape the attention of the others.

Carly

Simon. Are you coming?

Simon

Yeah. One minute. I just need to sort this out.

Carly

God. Fine.

Jay

Well if she fu*ks like she complains you're in for a treat.

Jay is lecturing Neil about a subject he knows absolutely nothing about. Women. Specifically, European women.

Jay

There are three things you need to know about European birds, Neil. They're filthy, they're hairy and they don't mind if you wipe it on the curtains.

Yet again, Jay is pretending to be a Lothario and ends up making a complete prat of himself.

Neil

Who's Ika?

Simon

Flatmate. Fit, apparently. Dutch.

Neil

Oh, I've never met a Dutch.

Jay

Always the filthiest.

Will

And you know that, do you?

Jay

Yes. I fu*ked a Dutch girl.

Simon

Bollocks. Never been to Holland.

Jay

Yeah I have. It was the West Ham under-thirteens football tour.

Simon

Oh right and what did she do to you when you were twelve that was so filthy? Give you a blowjob in a windmill?

Will

Wa*k you off with clogs?

Jay

Nah, look... it was properly filthy. I shouldn't tell.

Simon

Try us.

Jay

All right. Well, when I fingered her, she sh*t down my arm.

Will

[After a long pause]

Shall we go and look at where we're sleeping then?

There are few people worse than Neil to share a car with on a long journey. Especially when it's a Fiat Cinquecento and there are five people crammed into its tiny interior.

Carly

Well thank you, Neil. I'm sure that my sister will appreciate it.

Neil

Yeah, I know what she wouldn't appreciate.

[He farts]

Jay

Oh no, Neil. You haven't?

Carly

What?

Will

Unbelievable.

Carly

Oh, God. That STINKS!

Neil

[Laughs]

Simon

Neil have you farted again?

Neil

Not sure. Could be fart, could be worse.

Simon

Oh for fu*k's sake, open a window.

Will

You need to see a bowel specialist.

Jay

Or he could ask his Dad. He likes to inspect men's anuses.

Carly

Oh I feel really ill, Simon could you pull over?

Neil

Oh calm down it was only a sausage and egg McMuffin.

Carly

Ooohhhhhhhhhh!

Neil

Oop, there's the hashbrown.

Will

Jesus Christ!

Carly

Someone PLEASE open a window!

Mr. Gilbert has just verbalised Will's worst nightmare.

Mr. Gilbert

McKenzie. Did you just say your mother is Internet dating?

Will

Sort of.

Mr. Gilbert

Aah. Interesting. I'm single at the moment and she is very much my type.

Will

Ok-ay.

Mr. Gilbert

Maybe you could set me up with her and then, who knows? If things go well, you could end up calling me Daddy!

There's been some vandalism and Mr. Gilbert doesn't waste time in trying to recruit Will to be his informant.

Mr. Gilbert

As I'm sure you're aware there's been a spate of vandalism recently culminating in someone adapting the flower display by the main road so that it now reads WE COME TIT VILLAGE. Oh, you think that's funny do you, McKenzie?

Will

Well, a bit.

In an attempt at romance, Simon climbs through Carly's bedroom window. Only it's not her window he's climbed through but that of her little brother.

Simon

Carly. It's me. Simon. What was it you wanted to say? Was it about making love?

Carly's Brother

Daddy?

Simon

No. Shh. Sleep.

Carly's Brother

What's happening?

Simon

Please just shush your little fu*king mouth.

Carly's Brother

You're not my Daddy.

Simon

Oh, fu*k.

Carly's Brother

MUMMY! DADDY!

The boys have dared to swap phones and give each other permission to text whatever they want to whoever they want in each other's contacts.

Jay

Right. So I wrote from Simon's phone to Carly, 'Carly. I love you from the bottom of my c*ck...'

Simon

Oh.

Jay

'...The thought of leaving you is making me cry...'

Simon

Better.

Jay

'...And I'm using my tears as lube to wa*k with.'

The game continues. Jay is about to discover that Karma is a b**ch.

Will

Don't worry, Si. I texted Jay's Dad and wrote, 'Dad, I'm just thinking about you.'

Jay

Oh, well that's all right.

Will

'I'm in the bath and I'm hard.'

Jay

Fu*king hell.