![South Park](media/0305.jpg)
South Park | Season 5
© 1997 MTV Entertainment Studios
South Park needs no introduction. Following the lives of four friends (Eric, Kenny, Kyle and Stan) growing up in a small Colorado town, it's a smorgasbord of sick and twisted humour crafted by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Now in its twenty-third season, this is another title which will take quite some time to catch up with.
UPDATED: | CLIPS: 211
WARNING: ADULT CONTENT!
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Clip 1 S05 E01: "It Hits the Fan" |
It's strange to think that at one time, you weren't allowed to say "sh*t" on television. For the boys in South Park Colorado, the debut of the "S-Word" on TV is big news. But some are more excited than others. |
|
Eric Cartman |
You guys, you guys, oh my god! Oh my god, you guys! |
Kyle Broflovski |
What, dough boy? |
Eric Cartman |
I was just - |
[CARTMAN realises what KYLE just said] |
Hmm. I was just watching the TV, they had this commercial. |
Stan Marsh |
So? |
Eric Cartman |
So, guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show "Cop Drama." |
Kyle Broflovski |
What? |
Eric Cartman |
No, come on. Guess. They're gonna say something that's never been said on television. |
Kyle Broflovski |
What?! |
Eric Cartman |
You'll never guess. |
Stan Marsh |
What?! |
Eric Cartman |
Guess. |
Kyle Broflovski |
God damn it, Cartman, what are they gonna say on Cop Drama? |
Eric Cartman |
You ready? Tonight... on Cop Drama... on TV... they're gonna say... "Sh*t." |
Kyle Broflovski |
They're gonna say sh*t on television? |
Stan Marsh |
They can't say sh*t on television. |
Eric Cartman |
It was just on the news! People are freakin' out, dude! |
Stan Marsh |
Holy fu*king sh*t. |
Kenny McCormick |
We gotta watch. |
Eric Cartman |
Yeah, I'm gonna have people over my house to see it. |
Kyle Broflovski |
But... but I've got these tickets to see Lion King on stage. |
Eric Cartman |
Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle. I said "sh*t" on television. |
Kyle Broflovski |
It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip. |
Stan Marsh |
Oh, come on dude, this is history. |
Kyle Broflovski |
It's stupid. |
Eric Cartman |
Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina? |
Kyle Broflovski |
No, I don't have sand in my vagina. I just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around, talking about one dumb word being on TV! |
Clip 2 S05 E01: "It Hits the Fan" |
The boys are watching Cop Drama, waiting for the "S-Word" to drop. Kyle's had enough. He's off to the kitchen. Why? Because Kyle really doesn't give a fu*k! |
|
Stan Marsh |
Where you going, Kyle? |
Kyle Broflovski |
I'm going to the kitchen. This is stupid! |
Stan Marsh |
But you're gonna miss it. They're gonna say "sh*t" and you're gonna miss it. |
Kyle Broflovski |
I don't really give a fu*k! |
Stan Marsh |
Oh. |
Clip 3 S05 E01: "It Hits the Fan" |
Thanks to the network making the "S-Word" acceptable for everyday use, South Park Elementary has had to introduce some new rules concerning its use. But it's still controversial. |
|
Eric Cartman |
Wow, this is gonna be great. A whole new word - |
Kyle Broflovski |
It's not new! I'm gonna look "sh*t" up in the encyclopaedia and prove it. |
Eric Cartman |
Don't mind Kyle, everyone. He's just got a little sand in his vagina. |
Kyle Broflovski |
There's no sand in my vagina! |
Diane Choksondik |
Boys, watch your language, sh*t! |
Clip 4 S05 E01: "It Hits the Fan" |
So, that's how things are in Hollywood, huh? It's not so much "golden handshakes" as... well... why don't you tell them, Roger? |
|
TV Executive |
Sir, your "sh*t" idea has turned the entire network around. We're proud to work for you. |
[The board applauds] |
Roger |
Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity, and I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood. And well, I'd let you have me if you wanted. |
Clip 5 S05 E01: "It Hits the Fan" |
If you need to know the answer to a question, there are worse people to ask than Chef. He's always on hand to speak candidly on any subject. |
|
Chef |
Oh, hello there, children. |
Boys |
Hey, chef. |
Kyle Broflovski |
Chef, do you know where sh*t comes from? |
Chef |
Uh, from your ass, children. |
Kyle Broflovski |
No, no, no. The word "sh*t". |
Chef |
Ohh... |
Eric Cartman |
Detective Sandy Vagina here thinks that "sh*t" might have something to do with everyone getting sick. |
Kyle Broflovski |
It said in my book that the word "sh*t" started the exact same time as something called "The Black Death". |
Chef |
The Black Death? Are you sure? |
Stan Marsh |
What's The Black Death, Chef? |
Chef |
Latoya Jackson, children. |
Boys |
Ohh! |
Clip 6 S05 E02: "Cripple Fight" |
Big Gay Al is the town's new Scout Leader and his sexuality is causing unnecessary angst at the bar. I mean, just because he's gay doesn't mean he's a paedophile. But try telling them that. |
|
Stuart McCormick |
Look, I'm not saying the new Scout Leader's a bad person. I just don't think he should be a Scout Leader. |
Randy Marsh |
He got to where he is by being a good Scout, maybe we should just leave him alone. |
Man |
Well, how gay is he? |
Stuart McCormick |
He's really, really gay. |
Man |
Well then, I don't want my boy there either. |
Randy Marsh |
So, he's a homosexual. So what? |
Stuart McCormick |
I have nothing against homosexuals either, Randy. But the big camping trip is next week. Are you saying you're fine with this guy camping overnight, alone with our boys? |
Man |
You know, boys emulate authority figures. Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they can end up all talking all fem' and prancing around like girls. |
Randy Marsh |
Ah, that's ridiculous. |
Father Maxi |
People, people, please! You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice. As many of you know, I myself went through a homosexual phase. But the light of Christ showed me how to change. Just give me two hours with this man and I can convert him back. |
Man |
That's what you said about Peterson. And then you ended up having sex with him. |
Clip 7 S05 E02: "Cripple Fight" |
Big Gay Al is out (if you'll pardon the pun) and Mister Grazier is in as the new Scout Master. He's rough, he's tough, he's ex-military and he's... a raving kiddie-fiddler. |
|
Mister Grazier |
All right, Scouts, I am your new Scout Master, Mister Grazier. Together, we are going to become the best, the sleekest, the most well-polished scout troop in all of Colorado. Isn't that right? |
[His question is met with dumbfounded silence] |
When I ask you a question, you will answer "Yes, Scout Master." Do I make myself clear? |
Boys |
Yes, Scout Master! |
Mister Grazier |
Good. Now, the first activity for this evening will be... naked pictures. I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked... in case we need them for later. |
Boys |
Aww! |
Mister Grazier |
Oh, what is this?! If there's one thing I hate, it's a whiny platoon. "We don't wanna do push-ups! We don't wanna get up early! We don't wanna have you take naked pictures of us!" |
Eric Cartman |
Man, this guy sucks! |
Mister Grazier |
Now fall in and strip down, Scouts! |
Clip 8 S05 E02: "Cripple Fight" |
Not sure who the hell you'd use this message tone for, but that's your prerogative, my friend. I line 'em up, you knock 'em down. So, use this for any dirty mother-fu*ker you know today! |
|
Jimmy Valmer |
You dirty mother-fu*ker! |
Clip 9 S05 E03: "Super Best Friends" |
Eric and Kyle have become Blainetologists. Yes, they have joined David Blaine's evil (and imaginary) cult. And they're out spreading his word in the community. The retards. |
|
Kyle Broflovski |
Hello ma'am. My name is Kyle and this is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you. |
Woman |
Uh-oh. My husband warned me about you "Blaine-iacs". I'm sorry, but I'm a catholic. |
Eric Cartman |
It doesn't matter, ma'am. Blainetology is for everyone. There are Blainetologists who are Catholic, Buddhist, why, even Kyle here is a God damn Jew. |
Clip 10 S05 E03: "Super Best Friends" |
Kyle is having second thoughts about he and Eric being Blainetologists. There's suicide on the cards and he doesn''t want to die and make his family sad. And Eric doesn't have any pubes yet. |
|
Kyle Broflovski |
It's just me. |
Eric Cartman |
Brother Kyle, why do you disturb my rest? |
Kyle Broflovski |
Dude, I don't think I want to be part of this anymore. |
Eric Cartman |
What? |
Kyle Broflovski |
I think Stan might have been right. Anyway, I think it's going too far. I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad. |
Eric Cartman |
Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't want to die either. I haven't even got my pubes yet. |
Clip 11 S05 E04: "Scott Tenorman Must Die" |
Eric has got some pubes. Not his. No. He's bought them for $10 from Scott Tenorman. And why would Scott Tenorman sell Eric his pubes? Because Eric is stupid enough to buy them! |
|
Eric Cartman |
You'll get your pubes, guys, someday. |
Kyle Broflovski |
Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself. |
Eric Cartman |
Wh-What? |
Stan Marsh |
When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you fu*king dumb-ass! |
Eric Cartman |
Nah-ah. |
Kyle Broflovski |
Yeah-huh. |
Eric Cartman |
But then why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for $10? |
Kyle Broflovski |
Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for $10. |
Eric Cartman |
You're telling me these pubes are worth nothing? |
Kyle Broflovski |
Yeah. |
Eric Cartman |
I'm gonna get that son of a b**ch. |
Clip 12 S05 E04: "Scott Tenorman Must Die" |
Radiohead. Scott Tenorman's favourite band. Eric writes to them, plotting the complete destruction of his sworn enemy. And Radiohead fall hook, line and sinker for his malevolent plans. |
|
Jonny Greenwood |
Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to do. |
Thom Yorke |
Just a second, fellas, listen to this. "Dear Radiohead. My name is Eric Cartman, I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy from South Park, Colorado. I'm writing to you because of a kid I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies, alone and scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past next Tuesday around five." |
Clive Deamer |
Wow, we have to go. |
Ed O'Brien |
To Colorado? But we've got an album to mix. |
Thom Yorke |
Didn't you hear the letter? This poor kid has cancer. In his ass! |
Clip 13 S05 E06: "Cartmanland" |
Kyle has developed haemorrhoids and has been hospitalised. Not because of the haemorrhoid per se, but because he popped it trying to climb the fence into Eric's theme park, Cartmanland. |
|
Gerald Broflovski |
Oh, look, Kyle, your little friend Stan is here to see you. |
Stan Marsh |
Dude, you okay? |
Kyle Broflovski |
Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my haemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you? |
Clip 14 S05 E07: "Proper Condom Use" |
There aren't words to describe this clip. Let's just say that some fifth-graders have shown Eric how to do something unmentionable to a dog. |
|
Eric Cartman |
Red rocket, red rocket, heh-heh, heh-heh! Red rocket, red rocket, heh-heh! Come on! Heh-heh-heh! |
Stan Marsh |
Cartman, what the hell are you doing? |
Eric Cartman |
I'm milking the dog, they make dog milk. |
Kyle Broflovski |
No they don't. |
Kenny McCormick |
Yeah they do! |
Eric Cartman |
Yes, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. Red rocket, come on, dog, red rocket. |
[GARDEN ejaculates in Eric's face] |
Oh, hoo! |
Stan Marsh |
Whoa, cool! |
Kyle Broflovski |
That's awesome! |
Eric Cartman |
I told you guys. |
Stan Marsh |
I had no ideas dogs made milk, do it again. |
Eric Cartman |
Dumb-ass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you beat off a dog again right away. |
Kyle Broflovski |
You "beat off"? |
Eric Cartman |
That's what it's called when you milk a dog. Beating it off. Don't you guys know anything? |
Clip 15 S05 E07: "Proper Condom Use" |
Only in South Park could masturbating a dog become contagious. And Stan has done this in front of Sharon's Book Club. She has to deal with this. |
|
Sharon Marsh |
Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months? |
Stan Marsh |
No! |
Randy Marsh |
Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company. I... I mean... ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever. |
Clip 16 S05 E07: "Proper Condom Use" |
Condoms for kids? No. Just... no. Only in South Park would this... could this be a thing. Move along. There's nothing to see here. |
|
Male Pharmacist |
I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong. |
Female Pharmacist |
Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected. |
Stan Marsh |
I'm glad this lady's on our side. |
Male Pharmacist |
I don't think we have any that will even fit them. |
Female Pharmacist |
Sure, we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for Kids. "Lil Minis", they're specially designed for kids under ten. And they're only $5.95 for a box of fifty. |
Clip 17 S05 E07: "Proper Condom Use" |
I somehow doubt that when South Park Elementary was asked to provide its students with sex education, this was what they had in mind. Dear God, man. These are kindergarteners! |
|
Mr. Garrison |
Okay, children, now I want to review the different sexual positions. Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about? |
Filmore Anderson |
Missionary Position. |
Mr. Garrison |
Missionary Position, good. A little boring, but tried and true. What else? |
Girl |
Doggie. |
Mr. Garrison |
That's right, Doggie-Style we went over, mm-hmm. |
Quaid |
Pile Driver. |
Mr. Garrison |
Uh-huh, Pile Driver position, good, Quaid. |
Flora Larsen |
The Filthy Sanchez. |
Mr. Garrison |
Yes, good, Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez. |
Boy |
Hot Karl? |
Clip 18 S05 E08: "Towelie" |
Towelie is an towel featuring AI. Yes. And you might think he sounds rather a lot like Mr. Hanky. And you'd be right. |
|
Kyle Broflovski |
Oh, crap. |
Stan Marsh |
What? |
Kyle Broflovski |
I'm supposed to go to the lake with my family tomorrow, and swim and play in the stupid sun. |
Stan Marsh |
Dude, we got Gamesphere. |
Kyle Broflovski |
I know, I know. Well, look, I'll stay over anyway so I can play for... eighteen hours. And then I'll go to the lake. |
Towelie |
Don't forget to bring a towel. |
Stan Marsh |
What? |
Towelie |
When you get out of the water, you need to dry off right away to avoid catching a cold. That's why Towelie says, "Don't forget to bring a towel." |
Stan Marsh |
Okay. |
Kyle Broflovski |
Thanks, Towelie. |
Towelie |
You wanna get high? |
Stan Marsh |
No. |
Clip 19 S05 E09: "Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants" |
What's worse than being in the cargo hold of a military plane on its way to Afghanistan? Sharing it with Eric. That's what. |
|
Kyle Broflovski |
Going to Afghanistan? Trapped in a small space for twenty hours. How could things get any worse? |
[ERIC farts] |
Boys |
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! |
Eric Cartman |
Oh, you guys. |
Clip 20 S05 E10: "How to Eat with Your Ass" |
At South Park Milk, they strive for excellence. Their milk goes from udder to Tetrapak in minutes, as fresh as it comes. Almost like drinking it straight from the cow. |
|
Manager |
Here at South Park Milk, we strive for excellence. For instance, we are now entering the Extraction Room. As you can see, we keep it close to the Refrigeration Room. That way we can get the milk to the container as fast as possible. That's why some say South Park Milk tastes like you're sucking it right from the cow's tits yourself. |
Clip 21 S05 E11: "The Entity" |
Kyle's cousin, also called Kyle, has come to stay in South Park. Kyle offers Eric $40 not to make fun of Kyle. Oh, and Kyle is Jewish. Well, both Kyles are Jewish. Sh*t, this is confusing! |
|
Diane Choksondik |
I'm sorry, Kyle you'll just have to make do. Now let's get back to the less - |
Kyle Schwartz |
Is it cold in here? I realise we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze to death? |
Diane Choksondik |
Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate. |
Eric Cartman |
Ugh! |
Diane Choksondik |
Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class. |
Eric Cartman |
Maybe we'll have to send him to Concentration Camp. Argh! Dammit, dammit, dammit! |
Kyle Broflovski |
Cartman! |