14 MP3 Audio clips from Season 2 of Strutter (2006)

PLAY ALL 25 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Just when you though the casual racism and stereotyping couldn't get any worse, we introduce a small woman from Bangkok who can fire pingpong balls from her foofoo.

Mike Strutter

Having a family is great. When you want a meal or a fu*k, you got your wife. And when you need a partner for a game of table tennis, you got your kids. Who wants to give daddy a game of ping pong?

Daughter

Go away.

Mike Strutter

Motherfu*kers!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Playing yourself is not only tiring, but it makes you look like a fu*king pr**k. So when the kids are out of the frame and the wife's up to her tits in cake mix, that's time to reach for your Struttergear Thai Ping Pong Trainer.

Mike Strutter

Hey, Toots. She's cute.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

This compact nineteen-year-old knob-gobbling spunk sponge has been trained in the dirtiest backstreet Bangkok fu*k factories and knows all the tricks of the trade when it comes to spitting ping pong balls out of her fu*king foofoo.

Mike Strutter

Let's play, Toots.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Simply place your ping pong trainer on one end of the table, fill it with balls, and get ready to practice your fu*king shots.

Mike Strutter

Ping! There goes a cross-table forehand. Pong! There goes a beefy backhand right out of the meat of the fu*king bat. Is that all you got, honey?

Another questionable DVD from Struttergear. This time a mammoth volume of dead animals. Get it? Mammoth? No? I give up. You people...

Mike Strutter (V/O)

New from Struttergear, it's the DVD to fu*king die for; "When Animals Get Whacked!"

[Music: Die Motherfu*ker Die by Dope]

Watch the thrills and spills of over two hundred fu*king kills. Out in the wild you're either the winner or the fu*kin' dinner. It's fast, it's furious, it's fu*ked up, it's "When Animals Get Whacked!"

Not a product this time, but a service. The Handsome Coke Sniper. Always on hand to fire a sh*te-tonne of marching powder right up your schnoz.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

New from Struttergear, a revolutionary new service. Introducing the Handsome Coke Sniper.

Chairman

I want to turn our attentions now to the profitability figures for South America.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

When you've had a big night on the crack pipe, and you're coming down faster than the fu*king space shuttle, the Handsome Sniper can be your salvation. With a combo dum-dum bullet full of dancing dust, ketamine and crystal meth, fired straight up your fu*king schniffer. But with your head full of two bullets of that bullsh*t, you're gonna need some way of chilling the fu*k back down and getting through another few hours with these fu*king fu*k heads. The Handsome Drug Sniper has got the answer. Dope On a Rope. Dope On a Rope is exactly what it fu*king sounds like. A fat fu*king bifter stuck on the end of a piece of fu*king string. With arrow-like precision, the sniper can fire the bifter straight into your fu*king mushky, so you can take a couple of big, deep drags and have it whipped back out of the fu*king window again before any of these c*ck-suckers get wise to the weed.

Chairman

Can anybody smell smoke in here?

Mike Strutter

I can't smell sh*t!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Struttergear Handsome Coke Sniper is available to rent from just five-hundred queen queens per day. Book him for a week and get a Handsome Sniper keyring absolutely free. Book him solid for a month and he'll let you fu*k his sister. She takes it up both pipes.

If you keep getting caught groping people, you should probably seek help. Or turn yourself in to the police. But, as an alternative, you could buy a Struttergear Grope Suit, I guess.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

In this fu*ked up PC world we live in, copping a feel of some chick's sukies can land you in a sh*tload of fu*king hot soup.

Woman

Oi, you bloody perv!

Man #1

Oi! What are you doing?

Man #2

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Man #3

Go on, sling your hook.

Mike Strutter

Shut the fu*k up!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

With temptation at every turn and hawkeyed stiffs like this bunch ready to break up the fu*king party, it's time to wise up and grab yourself... a Struttergear Grope Suit. This high-tech, hands-free, flange-fingering Grope-girdle comes complete with two stylish bogus appendages, leaving your real hands to roam free without fear of detection. The Struttergear Grope Suit's discreet newspaper reading design means you rack up a squeeze while seemingly shootin' the breeze. With its unique laminated newspaper, waterproof up to a depth of thirty-five meters, you can even use your Struttergear Grope Suit at your local lido. Yes, sir; while you're reading the rag, the chicks will be reading the riot act to some poor bastard who ain't done fu*kin' diddly. Some hot chick's giving you the come on in a bar. And then leaves you stiff and stupid as her mutt fella breaks up the fu*king party.

[STRUTTER slams the "mutt fella's" head repeatedly into the bar]

Hot Chick

Oh, my God!

Mike Strutter

Don't look at me, honey. I'm doing the fu*king crossword.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Order your Grope Suit online today for the fu*king sick low price of just two-hundred royal foils. And I swear to God, you mucky bastards are gonna have your fu*king hands full.

Knives and guns are banned. They're offensive weapons. But there's nothing to stop you carrying a stick designed specifically for slinging dog sh*t, right? Nothing except your dignity, that is.

Mike Strutter

These days the feds will have your ass in the fu*king can if you're caught on the streets with an offensive weapon. So far they've banned k-nives, connives and handguns. But the one thing these killjoy c*cksuckers haven't thought of banning yet, is dog sh*t.

[STRUTTER takes a piece of dog excrement out of a bin in the park]

Hey!

[He throws the excrement and it hits a gardener in the face]

So fu*king sue me!

[STRUTTER wipes his face, getting excrement on his nose]

Oh fu*k!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

So here's the question. How the fu*k do you chuck chunks of sh*t like that without getting up to your knuckles in fu*king chum? Simple. The Struttergear Sh*t Stick. This unique streamlined aluminium turd-tosser comes complete with an easy grip handle and a plastic scoop for picking up lumps of fu*king sh*t. The sh*t stick has been lovingly crafted by our top scientists at the Strutterhear lab, to ensure that the stick feels good in the fist and the sh*t flies straigh t as a stinky fu*king arrow. The Struttergear Sh*t Stick has a range of up to thirty metres depending on your strength and the weight of the sh*t you stick on the fu*king scoop. This muck-chucker can be used on all sorts of people. From c*cksuckers... to d*ck munchers.

Passing Man

Oh excuse me fella, have you got the time?

Mike Strutter

Eat sh*t, fu*k-face.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The sh*t stick fits snugly into any bag and is real easy to store. Under the bed, on top of the wardrobe, or just lying around in the garden next to a fu*king wall or something. Now you can chuck lumps of sh*t of people from the comfort of your own fu*king home with the online sh*t stick game at Struttergear.com. Whoa! That's more free sh*t than you can shake a fu*king stick at.

Yep, another borderline illegal DVD from the people who brought you "Animals Getting Whacked". This is even more questionable. Who said zoophilia was dead? Certainly not Struttergear, that's for sure.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

New from Struttergear, it's a fu*ked up fumble in the jungle with "Interspecies 6". See hot animal-on-animal action. So they're banging the wrong species? So fu*king what? These randy bastards couldn't give a fu*k. See bunnies stuffin' pu**y. Watch Tigger put his trigger up the ass of a fu*king rottweiler. If this sh*t gives you the horn, we've got over three hours of interspecies porn. And what's more, order the bastard today and we'll chuck in a free copy of "When Animals Get Stiff."

The Struttergear P*ss Knife. Imagine using your own supercharged, pressurised p*ss to cut items around the home. Wood, bread, cake...

[STRUTTER is stood at a urinal, enjoying urinating a little too much IMHO]

Mike Strutter

Oh, yeah, that's the one. Ahhh! You ever taken a fu*king p*ss and been really impressed by the power of your jet? You have? Me too!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And in this day and age of global warming, what better way to save the environment than making good use out of your own fu*king p*ss? Introducing the new Struttergear P*ss Knife. A high-tech nozzle slipped over the tip of your fu*king meat hook allows the stream of p*ss to be circulated through minute high-pressure pipelines and out through your fu*king fish mouth, turning your trusty trickle into a razor sharp sickle. Slicing a loaf of bread need never be hard work again. In fact, it'll be a piece of fu*king p*ss! Order today and get a free Struttergear Head-Mounted Aquatank! The aquatank feeds your guts a steady supply of water and hence a ready supply of fresh p*ss, meaning your razor sharp bladder blade needs never get fu*king blunted! It dices, it slices, it trims and it strims like a fu*king wet dream! And now at the crazy low price of just thirty-five green queens! It's like p*ssing razor blades!

Oh, for God's sake... really? This is where we are? Bluetooth c*cks and iMuffs? Holy sh*t!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Get your mucky paws on a copy of the new Struttergear Catalogue for the very latest in his and hers fu*k gadgets. Ladies, fed up with missing out on all the best looking guys? Well, make sure you bag the fella of your dreams with a set of Struttergear Fanny Magnets. Made from a high-polrity metal and fluoride alloy, the Struttergear Fanny Magnets zone in on the fillings in a fella's fangs. Simply slip them in and before he knows what the fu*k is going on, the chump will be clanging your bell with his fu*king tonsils. Struttergear Fanny Magnets. When your love life is fading fast, you're gonna need some mouth to muff resuscitation.

Wife

Tommy, come on, the kids are waiting, we're going to Monkey World.

Tommy

I'll be two minutes, honey!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And fellas, fed up with another lonely night in when all around you other guys are up to their nutsacks in fu*king flange? Then you need to get yourself a Struttergear Bluetooth C*ck. Experience the sexual activity of others in your neighbourhood by syncing your c*cks up via a Bluetooth signal.

Tommy

Here we go. Uh, yeah! You can't get away from me, baby. Ooh, that's cute!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

It's a great way to bone loads of different chicks without the hassle of having to talk sh*t with 'em afterwards.

Tommy

Yeah, you like it right there.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

But make sure you know your fu*king neighbors, 'cause if you sync up to the wrong c*ck, you could be in all manner of fu*king sh*t.

Tommy

Oh, yeah. I'm coming, baby.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Struttergear his 'n hers fu*k gadgets. When you're sh*t out of luck, they're sure to bag you a fu*k.

The Struttergear Snatch Card. It's like a scratch card but... well, I think you get the idea.

Mike Strutter

Traditional scratch cards can be a king-sized pain in the fu*king ass, but that got me thinking. If people can spend hours scratching away like fu*king lepers, it shouldn't just be their wrists that stand a chance of getting fu*ked. So I created the Struttergear Snatch Card. Simply scratch and match three identical muffs and you get to spend the night with that muff's owner. Last week, Jeff Prince from Brighton got to spend the night up to his nuts in sexy Susie here after he begged himself a triple foo-foo with a Struttergear Snatch Card. Make life less rough by scratching a muff. Okay, let's pay these fu*king losers and get the fu*k out of here.

The Struttergear Fat Fu*ker Diet. A delicious, healthy shake for breakfast, followed by a fu*k. Another for lunch followed by a fight...

Mike Strutter

After drugs and booze, there's nothing I love more than my food. But eating well comes at a price. Look, this is me five years ago. A big fat fu*k. And things got really grim when I could no longer find my own fu*king c*ck. So I devised the Fat Fu*ker Diet. I've developed a balanced, nutritious and tasty shake, which is far lower in calories than all this beautiful sh*t I've been shoving down my fu*king throat. The ingredients are simple. Some gack, a whack of Jack, a soft pack, and a fu*kload of Parmesan. Everything my body needs to get me through the fu*king day. The Fat Fu*ker Diet works on a simple principle. If you eat less and exercise more, the pounds are gonna fu*king fall off your fat ass. So, have a nutritious shake in the morning, followed by a fu*k. A nutritious shake for lunch, followed by a fight.

Man

Oi!

Mike Strutter

What?

Mike Strutter (V/O)

A shake for supper followed by a fu*k. A fight? And another fu*k. Feel the burn, motherfu*kers! A fu*k, fight, fu*k, fight, and another fu*k. Fat Fu*ker. You'll be fighting fu*king fit. Book online today and we'll send you a free Struttergear Fu*k You Cuckoo Clock.

Struttergear Fuck You Cuckoo Clock

Fu*k you. Fu*k you. Fu*k you.

The Strutter Inn. It's not like any hotel you've ever stayed in. Room Service Prostitutes, a bag of cocaine on arrival and more available from the restaurant... it's every rock star's dream!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Whether it's for business or leisure, your first choice of hotel accommodation should always be a Strutter Inn. From the minute you walk into a Strutter Inn, you're gonna feel right at fu*king home.

Concierge

Have you got any bags, sir?

Guest

Uh, no, I don't.

Concierge

No problem. There you go. Have you used a key card before? All you do is chop the gack up and arrange it into lines.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Relax with our extensive room service menu and let us bring a hot dish straight to you in your fu*king room.

Guest

Yes, can I order one club whore, please?

[A naked prostitute is delivered to the guest's room on a room service trolley]

Excellent. My c*ck is famished.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And if you don't have any change for a tip, don't worry. Our staff will be just as happy with a glass in the fu*king ear.

Room Service Attendant

Thank you, sir. Enjoy your whore.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Why not sample the delights from our Class A restaurant, Yo Drugs!

Mike Strutter

That's good sh*t. Our stylish air-conditioned rooms contain all the usual sh*t you find in a fu*king hotel. And in here... there's somewhere to brush your fangs, take a sh*t, p*ss, whatever you like. But our bathrooms contain a feature unique to Strutter Inn. Your very own, en-suite Jack Jacuzzi. A hot-tub filled to the brim with bubbly Bourbon. Salut! Strutter Inns are now available all over the fu*king globe. New Orleans, Chernobyl and Stevenage.

Animals p*ssing. And not only that... animals drinking each other's... you know what? We can't bring ourselves to describe this. It's disgusting!

[Music: Milkshake by Kelis]

Mike Strutter (V/O)

New from Struttergear, if you like animals and you love p*ss, you're gonna fu*king love our urine-soaked DVD "When Animals P*ss". As the p*ss starts to flow, the animals start to show. Bears start muzzlin', goats start guzzlin'. See hundreds of animals get a mush full of fu*king slush. Just pay us your cash and watch these motherfu*kers slash, and it's just ten greens, it's a damn side better than p*ssing it up the fu*king wall. Order today and feast your faces on fu*king faeces with a free copy of "When Animals Sh*t 5". That's some fu*king hot sh*t you got there, Rhino. Woo-hoo-hoo, fu*k me!

The Struttergear Bubble. Now THIS is a product I could get behind. I'd like nothing more than to tune out most of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis. The noise, the pollution...

Mike Strutter

You know the world's a fascinating place, isn't it? Full of so many different kinds of people and all with their own unique hopes, dreams, and aspirations. But there is one thing that these people have in common. They all get on my fu*king tits!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The world is full of mouthy fu*ks like this guy.

Annoying Man

Macaroni dinosaurs?! What were you a sweetie-saurus?!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Polluting your personal space with their fu*king yap. And look at this greedy bastard stinking up the whole fu*king place with his bag full of sheep guts.

Mike Strutter

Bon appe-fu*king-tit, a**hole!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And as for these motherfu*kers here...

Charity Mugger

All right there friend. Hey, don't lovely day, isn't it?

Mike Strutter

No, it isn't.

Charity Mugger

This will only take a minute.

Mike Strutter

Yeah? This will only take a second.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

So, when you've had a gut-full of the rest of the world getting in your fu*king face, it's time for you to claim back your own personal space with a Struttergear Strutter Bubble. The Strutter Bubble is a high quality one-hundred percent sound-proofed, big, round plastic thing, that allows you to block off the rest of the world and live your life in your own private cocoon. The Strutter Bubble contains an in-house mini-entertainment system, so you can relax and listen to your favorite chill-out tracks, enjoy a drink or a line, or catch up on a favourite movie as you make your way downtown. A trip to the shops needn't be the usual chaos of endless tannoy announcements, screaming bambinos, and a**holes barging into you as they try and grab the best fu*king groceries. The Strudder Bubble guarantees you absolutely zero personal contact with other people; the perfect way to take the conflict out of everyday life. The Strudder Bubble lets you get on with your life away from the intrusion of other people and all their fu*king issues, allowing you to escape into a meltdown of snuff, muff and puff. The Strudder Bubble can also be employed in the home environment.

Wife

Look at these bills, Mikey. They're red. They need pay -

Mike Strutter

Why don't you shove those bills up your fu*king ass?

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Acting as your own personal Shangri-La when the going gets tough back at the ranch.

Wife

Don't you dare get into that bubble, Mikey! I haven't had a manicure in three weeks, selfish son of a b**ch!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Strutter Bubble is now at the super-sick low price of just three-hundred and ninety-nine green queens. Our online prices can't be beaten, but you can with my fu*king bat, so get dialling now, you motherfu*kers!

Passing Man

You fu*king wa*ker!

And we've hit a new low with the latest Struttergear DVD release. Release being the opposite world because we're talking about a troop of tugging monkeys.

[Music: I Touch Myself by Divinyls]

Mike Strutter (V/O)

New from Struttergear, the rock solid sensational new DVD "Monkey Wa*k 7". Feast your filthy eyes on over two hours of monkeys spanking the fu*king monkey. See baboons bashing the bishop, chimps choke the chicken, see the jungle start to jungle as the monkeys get spunky. Order the bastard today, and we'll chuck in a free copy of "Up The Ass 4".

[Music: I See You Baby by Groove Armada]

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Get an eyeful of fu*king trifle as we check out the chunks of some fu*king dinner dumplings. Not suitable for children under five.