11 MP3 Audio clips from Season 1 of Strutter (2006)

PLAY ALL 25 CLIPS IN THE RANDOMISER™

Smoking. It's well on its way to going out of fashion. But when it was becoming socially unacceptable in the early noughties, Struttergear was on the case.

Mike Strutter

These days, it's open fu*king season on the smoker. And that's not right. Take away my cigarettes, and I lose at least eighty percent of my personality. But like it or not, sparking up in a public place is gonna be a thing of the fu*king past.

[INT: Elevator packed with people]

Mike Strutter (V/O)

A quick nerve-calming smoke before an important meeting.

Woman

Do you mind?

Mike Strutter

Go fu*k yourself, lady.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Banned!

[INT: Restaurant]

The beautiful after-dinner cigarette with a quadruple espresso.

Male Diner

Excuse me, but your smoke is going all over us.

Mike Strutter

Tough sh*t, fu*kface!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Banned!

[INT: Hotel room, Mike STRUTTER having sex with a prostitute]

Mike Strutter

Mmm!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And the sensual post-coital smoke with a hooker in a cheap motel room.

Prostitute

Hey buddy, I don't really want that smoke in my lungs.

Mike Strutter

After what you just had up your ass, are you fu*king kidding me? Ha ha ha!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Banned!

Mike Strutter

But don't worry about the ban, because Struttergear's lawyers have discovered a glaring loophole in the law. Introducing the new Struttergear Smoke Tank. The unique circulating pump inside the tank's filter, means the smoke will continually travel through your body into the tank and then back through the skin pores in your face. It's not particularly healthy, but we're smokers, so fu*k it! And as it's nearly percent airtight, no motherfu*ker has got reason to complain. The tank also features a speaker system, so any non-smoking motherfu*kers can be told where to fu*king go.

Woman

Hey, no smoking.

Mike Strutter

Fu*k you, I know my rights. I'm gonna suck on this cigarette and you can suck my fat c*ck.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Order your Struttergear Smoke Tank today for the fu*king stupid price of just eighty-nine sterlings and receive a free packet of Sh*tarettes! The low-tar Sh*tarette is shaped like a normal cigarette, but it stinks of fu*king sh*t. Perfect for that sneaky toilet fag.

Caravans. You hate 'em. We hate 'em Everyone fu*king hates 'em. But what if your caravan was actually a mobile brothel? Yeah. We'd hate it even more then!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Going away on vacation with the family might sound like a good idea, but in reality, it's a king-sized pain in the fu*king ass!

Wife

Let's go to the castle at Evernsol, and we can go to Monkey World!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

You only left home seven and a half minutes ago, and you're already about to explode!

Mike Strutter

We're gonna take a fu*king pit stop!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

So when the stress dials are hitting eleven, you're gonna need time to stop, smoke, think, drink, and fu*k! Introducing the new Struttergear Whoresbox.

Prostitutes

Hi, Mikey!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

A discreet and fully portable mobile fu*k shack. This attractive twelve by eight foot customized aluminium mobile muff-mongers can be decked out just like the interior of your local whoreshouse, and is the perfect way to take the stresses of family life out on some fu*king skanky ass trunter. The simple concept of the box towing behind the car, means your lady will never know it's there.

Mike Strutter

Make room, ladies.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And fellas, that leaves you free to hit the hay in the Whoresbox with a harem of hot honeys. Hubba hubba. Order your Whoresbox today by calling the number on your screen, and we'll give you not one, not two, but three tubs of Struttergear Anti-Crabs cream, absolutely free. Now available at the fu*king crazy low price of fifteen-hundred sterlings. Whores not included.

Imagine if you could consolidate all of your debt into one sound visit from a baseball bat-wielding nutter pumped up on cocaine...

Female Telephonist

Hello, Strutter Direct, how can I fu*king help you?

Mike Strutter (V/O)

These days we're all up to our necks in credit and it can be a king-sized pain in the fu*king ass if you don't have the cash to pay off your fu*king loans! But one call to Strutter Direct can put your mind at rest with a simple one-off payment.

Gary Pearson

We got in way over our head with unpaid bills and, you know, we were looking at a lifetime of debt. But we gave Strutter Direct a call and it was all sorted out within twenty-four hours.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

For just five-hundred sheets...

Mike Strutter

Mother fu*kers!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

...Strutter Direct will take the details of the c*ck-suckers who've been hassling you for the fu*king money and make sure the payment is dealt with quickly and efficiently.

Mike Strutter

Hey buddy, I've come here to settle up on Gary and Jenny Pearson's new fu*king sofa.

Furniture Salesman

Okay, great. They have an outstanding balance of two-thousand and forty-five pounds.

Mike Strutter

Do you accept Strutter Direct?

Furniture Salesman

Not that I know of.

Mike Strutter

Wrong answer, motherfu*ker.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Strutter Direct comes with a unique zero percent loyalty guarantee, which means even though you might have called me to help you out, someone else might have called me to fu*k you up.

Gary Pearson

Thank you so much for all your help. We really appreciate it.

Mike Strutter

No problem. Oh by the way, I'm working for the sofa people now.

[STRUTTER begins beating GARY with a baseball bat]

Jenny Pearson

No!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Strutter Direct. Because violence works.

Jenny Pearson

Please stop! Oh, don't hurt him!

Mike Strutter

Shut up!

A microslave oven. Yes, you read that right. It's like a microwave oven but it contains a small Filipino child who cooks whatever you want to eat. Nothing questionable about that, apparently.

Mike Strutter

When you get home from a hard day having worked your nuts off, there's nothing worse than your guts rumbling like a fu*king tube train and having to spend hours preparing a fu*king meal. I like to look after myself, and I'm not prepared to eat this ready-meal sh*t. That's why I've designed the Struttergear Micro Slave Oven. The top section looks the same shape and size as a standard microwave, but open it up, and we reveal it contains a small Filipino slave kid. Just give him the ingredients, and he takes it down to his compact living quarters where he cooks you whatever you want.

Make me some fu*king meatballs, nice and spicy.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Within minutes, the little bastard has cooked up all those great ingredients and made you a really healthy meal.

Mike Strutter

Hmm, not bad. But next time, don't go pu**y with the fu*king garlic!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Now the great thing is, without a visa or a work permit, your micro slave hasn't got a fu*king leg to stand on when all you pay him is your leftover scraps.

Mike Strutter

Think yourself lucky. More than you get making fu*king t-shirts all day, you motherfu*ker!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Struttergear Micro Slave Oven is now at the fu*king crazy low price of two-hundred and ninety-nine sheets. Kid not included.

Mowing the lawn is a chore. But what if you could combine this, your least favourite activity, with your favourite activity (wa*king)? Introducing the Struttergear Porn Mower...

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Mowing the lawn can be a pain in the fu*king ass, especially when you'd rather be inside with a good movie and a couple of cold beers. Well long tedious hours trudging up and down like a fu*king century can be a thing of the fu*king past with the new Struttergear Porn Mower. This ride on Porn Mower comes complete with a DVD player and 10-inch widescreen discreetly tucked away down by your fu*king feet. So as the wife watches the grass getting mown, you're watching some ass getting boned.

Wife

Watch the bush!

Mike Strutter

Don't worry about that honey!

Wife

And don't forget to empty your load.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Porn Mower is fitted with hand cream and tissue dispensers, ensuring that everything you'll need for the Alfresco hand shandy is right there at your fu*king fingertips. The Struttergear Porn Mower is fitted with an emergency screensaver, so at the flick of a switch you can turn pieces of ass into pieces of grass.

Wife

Oh thanks sweetheart, you can put your feet up now if you like honey.

Mike Strutter

Are you kidding me Tuts? I gotta do the front garden as well.

Mike Strutter

Order today by calling the number on your screen and this state of the art Lord of the Lawn will set you back just five-hundred queen heads. The Struttergear Porn Mower, a thankless task doesn't have to be a wa*kless task.

Imagine a briefcase with working silicone lips to pleasure you during meetings. A reliefcase, if you will. Can you imagine that? Well, now you can buy one!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Going away on business can be a king-sized pain in the fu*king ass, especially when you have to leave behind the one you love and go without a fu*k for a few days.

Mike Strutter

How you doing? How you doing? How you doing?

Chairman

Okay, Mike, we were just looking at the far eastern sales. We'll come back to this, I think.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Stuck for hours in a stuffy boardroom with a bunch of fu*king suits, your c*ck's gonna be fizzing in your pants like a wasp in a fu*king jar.

Mike Strutter

Shut the fu*k up!

Chairman

Sorry?

Mike Strutter

Excuse me. Carry on.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And that's the time to reach for your Struttergear Relief Case. This authentic, one-hundred percent real leather attaché case comes complete with a pair of base-mounted hydraulic suction lips that fit discreetly over your fu*king c*ck, turning a bad day in the office into a good day in the orifice!

Chairman

It's a hundred-thousand units, guys. Let's try and hit 99's targets again. Okay, Mike, maybe you could talk us through the UK's profitability procedure.

Mike Strutter

Yeah! Yeah! Fu*k! Fu*k yeah! Yeah!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Struttergear Relief Case. At just fifty sterlings, you can turn a dull job into a blowjob.

Viaggro. It's like Viagra, but instead of addressing erectile dysfunction, it targets your testosterone, enabling you to kick seven shades of sh*t out of fellow pub-goers.

[STRUTTER is sat at a bar stool when a fellow patron bumps into him, spilling his drink]

Patron

Oh, sorry, mate. Oh, God, I'm really sorry.

Mike Strutter

That's okay. Forget about it. Forget about it.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Now, on the weekends, there's nothing worse than getting so fu*ked up on booze, you got nothing left in the tank when you want to give somebody good fu*king whacking. Well, the lack of gas in your whack pack can be a thing of the fu*king past with these new Struttergear Viaggro pills. Viaggro works in harmony with your body's natural testosterone levels and releases microcosms of nuclear strength adrenaline directly into your fu*king brain box. So, not only will you be able to knock back the fu*king booze, you'll be able to knock seven shades of sh*t out of any c*cksucker who gets in your fu*king face.

Mike Strutter

Spill my drink, you motherfu*ker. Spill your fu*king features over the fu*king floor.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Viaggro. When it comes to fighting, it lets you keep it up all fu*king night and all for only twenty sterlings. Order within the next twenty-eight days to receive your free pack of Mike's Wipes. Ideal for cleaning up after a heavy night's brawling. To order, call the number on your screen or visit struttergear.com and if you're not completely satisfied, you can go suck my fu*king big one.

Mike Strutter branded sex toys. His 'n hers. And both equally ridiculous. Not that you should tell Big Mike that. He'll smash your fu*king knee-caps!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

When you're away on business, your little lady is going to be sat at home miserable and c*ckless just waiting for you to get back home and bone her. So what better way for a chick to wile away those long lonely nights than with a Mike Strutter Dildo Doll? This durable latex dildo is finished in the exact image of Big Mike himself. A curly haired helmet with shades and sideburns sits atop a nine inch shaft of imitation c*ckmeat, making this the ultimate pint size pleasure tool. With batteries included, the Mike Strutter Dildo Doll will even whisper sweet nothings as you set him to work.

Mike Strutter Dildo Doll

Do you wanna fu*k with me? Do you wanna fu*k with me? Do you wanna -

Woman

Oh yeah, baby!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

Order your Dildo Doll today, and get a free Struttergear iMuff. This pocket-sized device generates the muffs of up to ten-thousand hot babes, and with its unique tongue hole facility, everyone else will be on a lunch break while you'll be on a fu*king munch break.

Remember when the Tomtom reigned supreme in the world of in-car electronics? Well, Struttergear had their own version but it certainly wasn't child-friendly.

Mike Strutter

Now driving can be a lot of fu*king fun, but it can also be a king-sized pain in the fu*king sh*t-chute if you don't know where you're fu*king going. Take this cucksucker here.

Passing Driver

Excuse me, can you help me out please? I think I'm a bit lost.

Mike Strutter

Sure buddy, stick this on your dashboard and get the fu*k out of here.

Passing Driver

Thanks very much, thank you.

Mike Strutter

So long, fu*kface! Now the Struttergear Satellite Navigation System not only lets you know where you're going, but it gives it to you straight.

Struttergear Satellite Navigation System

Keep going straight for one and a quarter miles, or I will break your fu*king nose! After the next turning on the left, check out the sukies on that fu*king chick over there. Hubba, hubba, I'll have a piece of that fu*king pie. Oh yeah! Speed camera in fifty yards. Give it the fu*king finger!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

For less than two-hundred greens, you can arrive safely at a destination without getting your fu*king balls in a spin. And what's more, the Struttergear Satnav System also informs you of alternative places of fu*king interest.

Struttergear Satellite Navigation System

You have arrived at the museum, but why don't you stop being such a fu*king pu**y and get your ass over to the fu*king whorehouse on the other side of the road? Mention Mike Strutter and for fifty sheets, the broads will let you clog up their fu*king drains. Get over there!

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Struttergear Satellite Navigation system is now at a special low low price of just a hundred and ninety-nine sheets. Order today and get your free Struttergear Road Rage Bat!

If you thought Struttergear's gadgets were dodgy, you should check out their DVD collection. Only, you probably shouldn't. You'll end up on some form of register, I would imagine.

[Music: Hot in Here by Nelly]

Mike Strutter (V/O)

From Struttergear; the follow up to the smash-hit DVD "When Animals Fu*k II", it's "When Animals Fu*k III". This furry fu*kfest gives you over two hours of fu*king filthy, fu*king action. Wolves getting stuck in, chimps getting fu*king, and elephants with fannies you could drive a fu*king truck in. Crack one out to some marsupial minge, or some red-hot puffin pumpin'. They just keep on fu*king 'til they're red in the fu*kin' face. Now at the fu*ked-up price of only fifteen sheets. Order today and get a free copy of "When Animals Sh*t" absolutely free.

A satellite baby monitor. Now you can go on vacation, safe in the knowledge that you'll hear every murmur your baby utters in their crib eight-thousand miles away!

[Baby crying]

Mike Strutter

Will you shut the fu*k up you little motherfu*ker you? Kids can be great, but they can also be a king-sized pain in the fu*king ass. And sometimes a man and a wife need a vacation, where they can leave the little motherfu*kin' fu*k at home. That's the time to crack open your Struttergear Satellite Baby Monitor. Upgrading this miraculous device could not be fu*king simpler. All you gotta do is plug it in. Just leave the home unit next to the kid. Adios. Be good.

Mike Strutter (V/O)

And you and your lady can be sunning yourself on the Costa del Booze without some screaming bambino getting in the way when you want to go for an afternoon fu*k. And with a range of eight thousand 8,000 miles, when the kid gets sick or starts choking, you'll be alerted immediately and hear everything on your receiver.

Mike Strutter

Okay, let's fu*k.

[Baby starts to cry]

Mike Strutter

Will you shut the fu*k up you little motherfu*ker you?

Mike Strutter (V/O)

The Struttergear Satellite Baby Monitor is now at the fu*king crazy low price of seventy-nine queen quids. And I swear to God, if you don't receive your goods within twenty-eight days, I will personally break the fu*king neck of the c*cksucker down at the fu*king warehouse.