19 MP3 Audio clips from Marching Powder (2025)

PLAY ALL 19 CLIPS

Clip 1

It's the opening two minutes of the film - arguably the finest first two minutes of any movie in history.

Narrator

Once upon a time, in the far away magical land of South London, in a simple age, when a c*ck belonged to a man and a c*nt was married to a woman, but sat in the pub all day talking absolute bollocks, there was a little boy called Jack. The very first word Jack ever spoke was...

Jack

C-C-Cocaine.

Narrator

An ambitious child, Jack already knew what he wanted out of life.

Teacher

What would you like to do when you grow up, David?

David

Put a stop to world famine, sir.

Teacher

What about you, Sarah?

Sarah

Invent something amazing, sir.

Teacher

What about you, Jack?

Sarah

Drugs, sir. And fu*k Sarah.

Narrator

Jack knew that being academic was about as useful as a dildo in a nunnery. Round the flats, a different type of education mattered.

Jack

Fu*k are you staring at, you Jils?

Narrator

This was Jack's university. Happily, he graduated with venereal disease and a criminal record. And it was here he met Dani, the love of his life. Jack and Dani, you've got to admit, it's got a ring to it. Their love burned so brightly that Dani even gave up on her dream of art college and settled into a life of domestic bliss. She laid down her paint brush and picked up the laundry. And on the day their son JJ was conceived, Dani scored over 100,000 on some generic mobile game while Jack smashed her back doors in. For a while, they were just like any other normal family, but Jack had one little niggling problem. For sixty quid, you can buy an electric kettle from Argos, or a day-glo collar for an XL bully. But for fifty quid, you can buy a gram of cocaine. He loved his wife and son, but being a d*ckie-sniffing c*nt was way more fun. While most men took their sons to football, ate Ginsters pies and reminisced about Coldplay gigs, Jack slipped off with his old muckers, Vinny, Roger and Deano, where they sniffed phenomenal amounts of cocaine and enjoyed their favourite pastime, fighting.

Jack

Come on then, you fu*king two-bob c*nts, I'll do the lot of ya.

Narrator

But what became of poor Jack? After years of sniffing d*ckie and casual violence, with the morals of a pikey, surely he would redeem himself and find his true place in society?

Clip 2

Vinny lost his wife and kids when he did something unforgivable and unfathomable with a man pretending to be a woman.

Jack

Vinny's wife threw him out when she caught him with a Brazilian tranny in Whitstable. He only sees his kids through a contact centre, but he's too ashamed to admit it, so he lies and says the missus has taken them to Center Parcs.

Clip 3

We've all watched soccer, right? No? Well, here's the kind of commentary you can usually expect during a game applied instead to the pre-match violence outside the stadium.

Football Commentator

Well, we are in for a treat today. Two great firms, bitter rivals and sworn enemies meeting in the bombed-out streets of Grimsby. And as the firms advance towards each other, it's great to see Grimsby with such a tidy looking mob. These flash C*ckney wa*kers won't know what's fu*king hit them. Oh, that's a lovely effort from Grimsby. Deano's gone over like a granny on ice. Doesn't look like VAR will be needed in this instance. Oh, that's terrific from Roger the Dodger. Right round the fu*king cannister with a beer bottle. That will require a few stitches, I'd imagine. Oh, that's a shocking display from the mouthy c*nt Vinny in the CP duffle coat. Since when was pepper spray in the fair-play rule book? Stone the crows, he's only going again. Jesus, these C*ck-er-neys are really ruthless c*nts. What a screamer from Jack Jones! That's worth a look from another angle. And there it is, a peach of a shot. Despite the fact he's losing his hair, and got erectile dysfunction. Oh, my word! He's only gone and nutted the c*nt. And that's what I call entertainment.

Clip 4

Jack has found himself in court, his life at the mercy of a judge. How will this episode of his sad little existence play out?

Judge

Fighting at football. Possession of cocaine. At your age? Don't you feel the slightest bit embarrassed?

Jack

Dreadfully embarrassed, mate.

Judge

Your Honour.

Jack

Your Honour.

[To camera]

I swear, if he don't send me to prison, I'll give him a blow job.

Judge

I'm gonna give you a chance, Jones.

Jack

[To camera]

I take that back. Nose job.

Clip 5

Jack's relationship with drugs is, apparently, stronger than his marriage. But he doesn't get a hand-job from drugs at Christmas.

Probation Officer

So what's your relationship with drugs like?

Jack

Stronger than my marriage.

Probation Officer

How often do you do it?

Jack

I get the odd wa*k at Christmas.

Probation Officer

I meant drugs.

Jack

Oh. We're still in love.

Clip 6

Jack, by the skin of his teeth, has avoided a custodial sentence. And the boys are elated when he rocks up to the pub, a free man against all the odds.

Vinny

You lucky c*nt! I thought you was getting five. Sweet? I was planning on having a trade with your missus.

Jack

Fu*k off.

Vinny

How you wound up getting bound over's beyond me. What a touch. I'll get 'em in. Deano?

Dean

Lager.

Vinny

Rog?

Roger

Lager, Vin.

Vinny

Jackie boy?

Jack

I'll just have a pear juice, I think.

Vinny

No, you won't. You'll have a fu*king lager, you weirdo.

Clip 7

Ron. Jack's disapproving, bitter father-in-law. And can you blame him when his daughter is married to someone like Jack?

Jack

I just need a job. I'll do anything.

Ron

Yeah? Well, start by carving this fu*king bird up. I've got stuffing to make.

Jack

[To camera]

Success didn't ruin my father-in-law. He's always been a c*nt.

Clip 8

Kids. They say the damndest things, huh? Especially at the dinner table.

JJ

Look, Granddad. I've got a hard-on.

Dani

Babe, you can't say that at the table. Okay?

Clip 9

Jack describing his brother-in-law, Kenny is very amusing. I mean, he loves the guy but he's a pain in the arse.

Jack

Kenny Boy was brought up on a healthy diet of pornography, YouTube violence, and parental neglect. A mentally unstable 'roid jacker with a vicious bowl haircut and a constant semi, he's of the generation that thinks choking a bird while smashing her back doors in is Morse code for saying, "I love ya," and robbing your dad's house is just a way of accessing your inheritance early. Pills, fight, wa*k, repeat. Pills, fight, wa*k, repeat.

Clip 10

You know you're high when it seems like a recorded message in a public bathroom is talking to you. And ONLY to you...

Recorded Message

Welcome to London Bathrooms. Please ensure you keep the premises clean at all times. And most importantly, enjoy your stay.

Jack

Enjoy your stay? This gaff's barely fit for homeless smackheads.

Recorded Message

Jack. Sniff that d*ckie and there's no telling where you'll land.

Jack

Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

Recorded Message

Do you really? Open this can of worms and you may never come back.

Jack

Listen, love, I'm sweet.

Recorded Message

Are you? Mid-forties, with a belly hanging over your jeans, a tiny c*ck and six weeks to sort your life out?

Jack

Yeah? At least I'm not the one stuck in a fu*king toilet.

Recorded Message

Aren't you?

Clip 11

Dani has found her husband unconscious in a portable toilet. She's not best pleased, to be honest.

Dani

Oi! Oi, Dimlo!

Jack

All right? What's the time, babe?

Dani

Oh, morning, darling, it's, uh, just coming up to you're an absolute c*nt o'clock.

Clip 12

JJ is more wordly-wise than any child of his age should be. But don't just take my word for it... listen to THIS burn!

Jack

How was your day?

Dani

Yeah. I went back to yoga. My tree pose is terrible, and my back's fu*ked. I just can't seem to get my leg over anymore.

JJ

Sounds like Daddy.

Clip 13

Jack and Dani are at couples counselling. Jack has just responded to Dani in a way neither she nor the counsellor expected. Which leads to this exchange.

Counsellor

How does that make you feel, Dani?

Dani

Is being a massive c*nt a feeling?

Clip 14

Dani and Jack are trying to reignite the flames of passion. What they need is some excitement. Perhaps some romance. Hmm. No. Forget the romance.

Dani

You can come in now. I thought I might let you smash my back doors in.

Jack

And here's me thinking I only married you so you'd do me laundry.

Dani

Come and fu*k me, you fat old c*nt.

Clip 15

Jack's mates aren't bothered by his sobriety. In fact, they see it as self-emasculation. They're certainly not going to celebrate his new-found preference for fruit juice.

Jack

Thinking the boys would give me a hero's welcome for staying sober proved to be a considerable mistake. Instead, I was made to feel about as welcome as Andrew Tate at the Ipswich Lesbians' annual vegan lunch.

Clip 16

JJ is, apparently, happy to see his Uncle Kenny again. But he has a strange way of showing it, if I'm being completely honest.

JJ

So glad to see you, Uncle Kenny. Mum said you had a mental breakdown and went completely fu*king spastic again.

Clip 17

When Jack's local labour candidates knock on his door to find him wearing cocaine all over his face and torso, they should probably just have turned and walked away.

Labour Candidate

Hi.

Jack

Very.

Labour Candidate

We were wondering if you were interested in joining our party.

Jack

Fu*k, yeah.

Labour Candidate

Splendid. We desperately want your vote, and are offering something radically different to the others, particularly in affordable housing and green spaces.

Jack

Good. Now where's the party?

Clip 18

Jack has a way of making people feel welcome. Especially rival football fans. Yeovil? Sh*t 'em. It's all going off and Jack can't get enough of it.

Jack

You Yeovil?

Yeovil Supporter

We are!

Jack

I'll do the fu*kin' lot of ya. Especially you, you ugly, fat c*nt.

Clip 19

This is probably the most romantic thing Dani has ever said to Jack. And, if you have that kind of relationship with your partner, here's the perfect message tone for them.

Dani

You are a c*nt. But you're my c*nt.