7 MP3 Audio clips from Ricky Gervais Live: Animals (2003)

PLAY ALL 7 CLIPS

Clip 1

The opening narration to the show, featuring stock footage of animals copulating, with Ricky's exaggerated, clichéd French accent talking us through the X-rated visuals!

Ricky Gervais (V/O)

[In an exaggerated French accent)

Ze king of ze animals is surely ze lion. But even kings have to reproduce. Yeah. Zere is ze female. She is ready for ze male. Look at her. She is flirting outrageously. Typical! Look at her. She wants zem all. Oh, no! Oh. Now she offers herself... she don't know him. She's a... little slut. Oh, God, look. Now she's going, "More!". What a little whore she has turned out to be. And look... she knows that others are watching. She likes them watching. Oh, Christ! Now she's saysing, "In ze mouth, in ze mouth!". She is... fu*king distusting. But he don't mind. No. Because... he likes to fu*k. He loves to fu*k and eat. Eat and fu*k. Sometimes he likes to combine ze two.

Clip 2

Pandas on Viagra. No, it's not a title of a Robot Chicken episode (although you could be forgiven for thinking it is.) No, the Chinese government actually did this.

Ricky Gervais

Ooh, oh, the panda. Oh, let's save the panda. We are. We're not shooting it, we're not eating it, we're not... we're giving it cash. I mean, it's not meeting us half-way, is it? It's not shagging. To be honest, I don't... you know, when did it stop doing that? I mean, it's as evolved as any other... it's been around for millions of years. When did it go:
"I'm not going that anymore."
"Go on..."
"No. Dirty. I'm not... yuk. Ewww."
"What are you doing?"
"Playing with my tyre, I'm not shagging her. Is that the choice? One?"
"Well, you're not... you're rare. We can't..."
"I don't like her. We'll probably live forever anyway. We're Goths."
"You're not Goths."
"We are, look..."
"No, I've never seen a little fat, hairy Goth."
"Robert Smith."
"Apart from Robert Smith. You're not..."
But the, uh... the... the Chinese government are so worried about their icon of world wildlife, right? That they started, this is absolutely true, right? They started giving pandas Viagra, right? And it said in a statement, um... they're trying out Viagra where traditional Chinese aphrodisiacs have failed. I looked some up on the internet, um... one of which is ground panda penis. That's why that one didn't work.
"There you go, drink that."
"Oh... OH! I've got the horn. Where's the... did you..."
And it said in the statement, it said, um, that the average copulation of a panda is thirty seconds but Viagra allows them to mate for twenty minutes. Now, I don't want to get base but... I don't understand that. Because, you either come or you don't. What difference does it make whether you come after twenty minutes or thirty seconds, I don't... unless the, the... male only ever goes for thirty seconds whatever happens and then just goes, "Well, I didn't come, but the watch never lies." Or, the Viagra makes it ejaculate for the full twenty-minutes. Oh, I know, sorry... it's just like... awwww, so he's there and he's just... emptying in... so he's definitely going to become... and it's like, it's like he's getting... and she's going whoa, like a... he's pumping her until she becomes a big, wobbly spunk bomb. And the zoo-keeper's going, "How much did you give him? She's gonna fu*king blow! Fu*king hell!" And the male sort of empties and just slides off her like, like... something you'd stick your pyjamas in. They're like, "Oh, God. Just... fu*king kill me. I'm never doing that again. I don't... I don't care!"

Clip 3

Oh, he's nailed this. Absolutely. We in England are rubbish at learning and retaining other languages. So, we DO point and speak loudly. And SOME English men are, apparently, crap in bed.

Ricky Gervais

You don't need to speak French if you're English. You don't need to, don't... you know what I mean? You don't. If you go to France, point, talk a little bit louder, if he still doesn't understand what you're saying, smash the place up! Secure in the knowledge that you tried your best. Don't get me started on the French. Don't get me started. They know about animals. They fu*king eat most of them. I can have a go at the French. I'm half-French, half-English with a stupid name like Gervais. No, I am. I'm half-French, half-English and, uh... I've got qualities of both. French and English, which is good, so, um... I am crap in bed but at least I've got bad breath.

Clip 4

Mr. Morris. Luckily this man doesn't exist. And I don't mean he's dead (although he would deserve to be)... I mean he never existed. He's a comedy character invented for laughs!

Ricky Gervais

My PE teacher was a, oh, he was a nasty bast... Mister Morris, his name was. And, uh, if you forgot your football kit, he didn't make you play in your pants, oh no... he thought pants were unhygienic. He... he used to make you play with nothing on your bottom-half. I mean, he was firm but fair. He... he wasn't a hypocrite. He imposed the same rules on himself when he forgot his kit, so... no, no... he was a very fair man. He forgot his kit every week. I think he was a bit scatty. Um, silly old... silly old sausage! Um, his catchphrase was "Nice tackle, boy!" Um, no, he... he had a catchphrase. He used to say, "You don't wash it like that. Give it here." Oh, dear. His house burned down. Um...

Clip 5

Comparing sharks to Nazis. Not too dissimilar, you might think. Both killers, both indiscriminate, both decidedly scary. But actually, sharks are brilliant whilst Nazis... are rubbish.

Ricky Gervais

I've got digital TV and there's seventy-two channels. All sh*t. Except I watch hours on end of the History Channel and Discovery Channel now. Just back and forth like... six hour stints of the History Channel and Discovery Channel, back and forth. Ask me anything about sharks and Nazis. Not as bad as a lot of people make out, um... sharks, I mean. Nazis... horrible, awful, awful, oh, don't get me st... sharks, brilliant. Nazis, rubbish. The shark's an amazing creature. It's got a censor in its body which can sense the smallest movement in water of a floundering fish through electrical impulses and zone in on that. Um, it's got good eyesight, contrary to popular belief and it can taste and smell the slightest human secretion of like blood and sweat, one part in a billion from a mile away. A shark would have found Anne Frank like that!

Clip 6

A cow can go upstairs but not downstairs. It's a fact. But, as Ricky points out, what poor bastard discovered that the hard way?

Ricky Gervais

You can lead a cow upstairs. But not down. That's true, by the way. It's... it's the way their joints don't oppose, so a cow will go upstairs but it won't... think of the poor bastard who found that out the hard way. But they...
"Come on, Daisy. Down you go."
"Oh, I can't go downstairs, my joints -"
"I don't care about your joints, my wife's coming home in five minutes. Get downstairs. Get downstairs. Down!"

Clip 7

Did you know that animals can be gay? No, neither did I. But there is a book on the subject. Packed with illustrations. Which Ricky mocks mercilessly in this clip. Quite rightly so!

Ricky Gervais

Two forms of copulation between Botos, they're a type of dolphin. Genital-slit or anal penetration, above. And blow-hole penetration. Oh yes! He... is fu*king him.... in the head! What the... look at that one on the bottom's face.
"Ooh. Oh. We couldn't do it up the arse like them could we?"
"No. It's in the head, or nothing."
"I love you, Dave but I can't breathe!"