18 MP3 Audio clips from Superbad (2007)

PLAY ALL 18 CLIPS

Clip 1

Seth and Evan are about to embark upon their college careers, and Seth has been researching his options in online porn. He's settled on the dubiously titled, "The Vag-tastic Voyage." Of course he has!

Evan

[Answering his cellphone]

Yo!

Seth

Hey, man. I was doing some research for next year, and I think I figured out which website I wanna subscribe to. The Vag-tastic Voyage.

Evan

Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?

Seth

The Vag-tastic Voyage is the one where they find random girls on the street, and they invite them into a van, and then they bang them in the van. It's like thirteen bucks a month, and you get access to other sites. Like one's Latina, one's Asian, you know, there's one for fetishes... like feet, and pee-pee, and sh*t, and stuff like that.

Evan

That's disgusting. You're like an animal.

Seth

I'm... What? I'm disgusting? You're the weird one, man. Don't make me feel weird because I like porn. You're weird for not liking porn. I'm normal as sh*t.

Evan

Peeing on people. That's normal?

Seth

Evan, I'm not saying I'm gonna look at it. I'm just saying that it comes with the site, okay? I don't know what I'm gonna be into ten years from now.

Evan

I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff. I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar, I want a little production value. Like some editing, transition, something. Some music.

Seth

Yeah, well, I'm sorry the Coen brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get ahold of, okay?

Evan

Plus your parents are gonna be looking at the bill, dipsh*t.

Seth

Yeah, you're right. I probably should pick the one with the least dirty name.

Clip 2

Seth fancies Evan's mother. I mean, she's relatively young, good figure, pert breasts... but she IS his best friend's mother.

Evan

Bye, Mom.

Seth

Bye, Jane.

[To EVAN]

I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.

Evan

Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's d*ck.

Clip 3

Two teenaged boys in a convenience store, checking out the porno mags on offer. Little wonder that their conversation took the turn that it inevitably did.

Seth

Oh, fu*k me.

Evan

Look at those nipples.

Seth

They're like little baby toes.

Evan

It's not fair they get to flaunt that stuff, and I have to hide every erection I get.

Seth

You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Clip 4

As Seth so eloquently points out, you wouldn't want to get to college and have girls think that you suck d*ck at fu*king pu**y.

Evan

Well, you'll have sex in college, everyone does.

Seth

But the point is to be good at sex by the time you get to college. You don't want girls thinking you suck d*ck at fu*king pu**y.

Clip 5

Yeah, I'm with Evan on this one. Becca is a person. She has feelings, a heart and a soul. She is so much more than her alleged ability to "take a d*ck".

Seth

I'm not trying to insult her. I'm just saying that she looks like a good fu*ker, okay? She looks like she can take a d*ck. Some women pride themselves on their d*ck-taking abilities.

Evan

Dick-taking abilities? You think that's good to say about someone?

Seth

The fu*ked-up thing is, I actually do, okay? If a woman tried to compliment me on my d*ck-giving abilities, I'd be psyched.

Clip 6

Home Ed. What we in jolly old England call Home Economics. It isn't for everyone. Personally, I enjoyed it but then I love my food and enjoy cooking. Seth? He's happy he's partnered up with Jules.

Seth

Hey, Jules. Your partner didn't come today?

Jules

That's kind of a personal question.

Seth

What?

Jules

Nothing. It's my attempt at humour. I was just...

Seth

Oh, like coming.

[SETH is gesturing masturbating two penises in front of his face]

Like "coming" coming.

Jules

Wow, that was a little too far right there. The gesture.

Seth

Yeah. It's pretty far. Sh*t, I do that...

Jules

No, don't worry. I'm, I'm actually, uh... used to it. My older brother says, like, the nastiest sh*t. Like he called me "Hymen" until I was twelve.

Seth

That's sick. That's not even clever.

Jules

I know. I know. I would've gone with something at least mildly entertaining. You know, like... like... like "Family Jules."

Seth

Or like "Nuts." Yeah, that's funny. That's a fu*king funny joke. Fu*king funny.

Clip 7

So, when Seth was little, he used to sit around all day drawing pictures of d*cks. Flying d*cks, fighting d*cks, d*cks in capes, d*cks with balls for wheels... nothing at all weird about that, huh?

Seth

Becca's a b**ch.

Evan

You know what? I'm seriously getting fu*king sick of you talking about her like that, if we can be honest.

Seth

Me too.

Evan

Why do you hate her so much? You've never given me a reason. I think you like her.

Seth

Fu*k no, man! I hate Becca.

Evan

Why, man?

Seth

Fine, Evan. Here it comes. When I was a little kid, I kind of had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal. Something like eight percent of kids do it, but whatever. It's... for some reason, I don't know why, I would just kind of sit around all day... and draw pictures of d*cks.

Evan

What?

Seth

Draw pictures of d*cks.

Evan

Dicks? Like a man d*ck?

Seth

Yeah. Like a man d*ck.

Clip 8

Smooth, Seth. Real smooth. These fifteen words are going to haunt him the rest of his life. He'll wake up in a cold sweat most nights with these words echoing in his head.

Jules

You said something earlier about, like, a fake ID or something, right?

Seth

Yeah, I'm gonna get one. For sure, for sure. I'm getting that for sure.

Jules

Can you get us booze?

Seth

Yeah. I can. I can get you guys alcohol.

Jules

Really? Seriously?

Seth

Yes, for sure.

Jules

That would be awesome. Thank you. Because we were worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.

Seth

Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back ...is that it's located on my c*ck.

Clip 9

Seth has tracked Evan down on the soccer field. He needs to tell his friend about the challenge they face in buying enough alcohol for an entire house-party in less than twenty-four hours.

Evan

Dude, get out of here. They're gonna make me run laps again.

Seth

Just fu*king listen, okay? Jules and her stupid fu*king friend asked me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide I was the guy she would trust with the whole fun-ness of her party. She wants to fu*k me. She wants my d*ck in or around her mouth.

Evan

Did you think that maybe she's using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your d*ck.

Seth

Of course I thought of that. The first thing that came to my mind. Listen...

[Flashback to the conversation between SETH and JULES earlier]

Jules

My older brother always says the nastiest sh*t. Like he called me "Hymen" until I was twelve. Seth, I wanna blow you.

Evan

She didn't say that. Come on.

Seth

She didn't say the second part, the first... She's got an older brother. She could have asked him. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Mom is making a pubie salad. I need some Seth's Own dressing."

Clip 10

Greg. He's the kind of guy who deserves to be bullied about his (only slightly) prepubescent pants p*ssing. Try saying that when you're drunk.

Evan

Okay, can you just get out of here. We'll talk about this later.

Greg

What the fu*k, Evan? We're down two points.

Evan

Fu*king calm down, Greg. It's soccer. It's soccer.

Greg

Fu*k you, man.

Seth

Hey, Greg, why don't you go p*ss your pants again?

Greg

That was eight years ago, a**hole.

Seth

People don't forget.

Clip 11

Fogell is showing off his newly-acquired fake ID to Seth and Evan. They're relying on him and his ID to purchase copious amounts of alcohol. So, they're not best pleased when they see what he's got.

Evan

Hawaii? All right, that's good. It's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to McLovin?

Fogell

Yeah.

Evan

McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell

No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth

And you landed on McLovin?

Fogell

Yeah, it was between that or Mohammad.

Seth

Why the fu*k would it be between that or Mohammad? Why not just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell

Mohammad is the most common name on earth. Read a fu*king book for once.

Evan

Fogell, have you ever actually met anyone named Mohammad?

Fogell

Have you ever actually met anyone named McLovin?

Seth

No, that's why you picked a dumb fu*king name.

Fogell

Fu*k you.

Seth

Give me that. All right. You look like a future paedophile in this picture, number one. Number two, it doesn't even have a first name. It just says McLovin!

Evan

What? One name? One name? Who are you, Seal?

Clip 12

Seth talks a lot of sh*t but you have to hand it to him; he knows his stuff when it comes to fashion's influence on the ladies. Because nobody HAS got a hand job in cargo shorts since Vietnam.

Seth

Man, don't you have any non-infant clothes?

Evan

It'll be fine.

Seth

Yeah.

Evan

Why don't you just wear what you wore to school?

Seth

I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a handjob in cargo shorts since Nam.

Clip 13

Seth is in a liquor store, looking to steal some alcohol. He has the money but no fake ID. And then he spies an elderly lady and his day-dream begins.

Seth

Oh, you dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like some help with your groceries?

Elderly Lady

Well, that would be lovely, young man. Would you like me to buy you alcohol?

Seth

That would be lovely.

[SETH'S dream fast forwards to him standing with bags of alcohol]

Enjoy your remaining years.

Elderly Lady

I will. Enjoy fu*king Jules.

Seth

I will.

Clip 14

So, Evan has brought a condom and a small bottle of spermicidal lube to the party. I mean, most people settle on a bottle of wine or a bowl of nibbles but... whatever floats your boat, Evan.

Evan

Hey, so did you bring a condom for tonight?

Seth

You brought a condom with you?

Evan

Yeah. I figured I might as well, you know? I brought a little bottle of spermicidal lube too.

Seth

You laughed in my face when I said I'd be having sex tonight.

Evan

That doesn't mean you shouldn't always be prepared. You didn't even bring a condom?

Seth

No. No, Evan, that wasn't part of the plan. You did this without consulting with me.

Evan

We've never discussed, like, any plan, but you keep saying we have a plan.

Seth

I had, like, a general outline. You know? I was gonna go down on her for, like, several hours, okay? She would love that. She'd be smitten. She'd go out with that. Or I dry hump the sh*t out of her leg.

Evan

Well, I just... I don't see the harm in bringing one little condom.

Seth

And one little bottle of spermicidal lube?

Evan

Yeah, one little bottle of spermicidal lube.

Seth

Evan, that's psycho sh*t, man.

Evan

No, it's not.

Seth

That's, like, Charles Manson sh*t. What, do you think Becca's gonna be psyched that you brought lube? "Oh, Evan. Thank you for bringing that lube for my pu**y. I never would've been able to handle your fu*king four-inch d*ck inside my pu**y without that gigantic bottle of lube."

Evan

Okay, that's... That's enough.

Seth

Fu*k. These girls are eighteen, they're not dried-up old ladies. They're good to go.

Evan

Then I won't bring the lube. Don't make me feel like that. I thought it was cool. This is a nice kind.

Clip 15

I thought the Keystone Cops was a thing of the past. But then, I've never met Officer Slater and Officer Michaels who are, frankly, a disgrace to the shield and should never have worn the uniform.

Officer Slater

Ethnically, I mean, did... what... um, I mean, was he... was he like us, or...?

Mindy

A woman? Female? Is that what you're asking?

Officer Slater

No.

Officer Michaels

No, no. Was he, like...

Mindy

What? What? African?

Officer Michaels

Af... African...

Mindy

Was he African?

Officer Michaels

African.

Mindy

No. He was American, and he was like you. He looked just like you.

Officer Michaels

He was Jewish. Okay, Jew. It's an odd crime for a Jew to commit.

Officer Slater

They're pretty docile.

Clip 16

Officer Michaels is not only inept and incompetent, he's also completely insane. Stupid? Sure but nobody can be THIS stupid. It goes beyond that, I'm afraid.

Officer Michaels

This job really isn't how, you know, shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I assumed there was semen on everything, and there was some, like, huge semen database that had every bad guy's semen in it. There isn't. That doesn't exist. I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything's covered in semen.

Officer Slater

I mean, who doesn't?

Officer Michaels

It'd be nice. Like that crime scene today. If the man had ejaculated and then punched you, we'd have a shot at catching him. No way. Just punched in the face, no semen.

Officer Slater

No semen.

Officer Michaels

Story of my life.

Clip 17

There's something decidedly off about Francis. I mean, closet and predatory paedophile... tick. Compulsive liar... tick. Need I go on? Isn't that enough for you people?!

Francis

Welcome to the Thunderdome.

Evan

Hey, man, are you sure it's cool that we're here with you?

Francis

Oh, definitely, man. I'm essentially best friends with the guy... so a bunch of my buds are coming. We're gonna rock out with our c*cks out. Just kidding. We are gonna rock out.

Clip 18

Cellphones. A great idea but unless you have a strong signal, they're basically glorified paperweights you can play Candy Crush on.

Evan

Hello?

Becca

Evan, it's Becca.

Evan

Oh, Becca. Hi. Hey. Hello. Hey. Becca. Becca...

Becca

Evan, can you hear me?

Evan

Hello? What?

Becca

Can you hear...

Evan

Piece of sh*t! Guy sells me a piece of sh*t fu*king phone. Becca?

Becca

It's Becca.

Evan

I get one bar everywhere I fu*king go.

Friend

What is he saying?

Evan

Fu*king a**hole.

Becca

I think...

Friend

What happened?

Evan

Son-of-a-fu*king-b**ch phone company.

Becca

What? It's rude. Hello?

Evan

Fu*k. You suck. Bullsh*t phone. Piece of sh*t. I swear I'll b**chslap you so fu*king hard.

Becca

What?

Evan

Bec...?