14 MP3 Audio clips from Mr. Bigstuff (2024)

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Glen is having a little trouble with erectile dysfunction, so he and Kirsty are trying to spice things up. With an emotionless, car-based hand-job in the Halfords car park. Who said romance was dead?!

Kirsty

That right?

Glen

I think so.

Kirsty

Mm-hmm?

Glen

Yeah.

Kirsty

Yeah?

Glen

Mm.

Kirsty

Yeah?

Glen

Yeah.

Kirsty

Yeah?

Glen

Ooh, yeah.

Kirsty

Yeah?

Glen

Yeah.

Kirsty

Yeah?

Glen

Mm.

Kirsty

Yeah.

Glen

Mmm.

Kirsty

Yeah?

Glen

Yeah.

Kirsty

Yeah?

Glen

Yeah. Sorry, love.

Kirsty

Oh, don't say sorry, Glen.

Glen

Sorry.

Kirsty

No, don't say sorry. It's, you know, because you just thought you might like it. In public, so...

Glen

Yeah, I don't... I think I wasn't picturing, like, round the back of Halford's?

Kirsty

No, well, okay, yeah. I should probably get to work.

Glen

Yeah.

Kirsty

Pop your penis away, Glen.

When Lee wanders in to World of Carpets, looking for his estranged brother, he doesn't know that the can of lager he's carrying in his hand will cause quite such issues, quite so quickly.

Lee

Have you seen him?

Ian

Oops.

Lee

Sorry?

Ian

Verboten!

Lee

What?

Ian

Going to have to ask you to finish that outside. Company policy.

Lee

Get a lot of p*ss heads in here, do you? Getting off their nut over by the lino?

Ian

Right. Very good, now...

Lee

See, for all he knows, I've come in here to buy his whole stock and he's straight in with the fu*king regulations.

Ian

Right, that's quite enough! I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Lee

Yeah, well, asking me is one thing but making me is another thing altogether, you bald c*nt.

Lee has let himself into Glen's house and Kirsty discovers him lounging on their sofa. It's quite a shock. But not quite as much of a shock as finding out that he's Glen's brother.

Kirsty

I'm calling the police!

Lee

No, no, don't do that, love. Tell her.

Kirsty

Tell me what, Glen?

Lee

Excuse me for not standing...

Kirsty

What?

Lee

...my sciatica was killing me. Because I've been on my trotters all day looking for a certain little twat with a nutty haircut.

Kirsty

Oh, my God! Does he mean you? Why's he saying that?

Lee

Is there any chance of a nice cup of tea?

Glen

Kirsty, no, no.

Kirsty

What? What's happening? Is it drugs? It's drugs, isn't it? It's drugs!

Lee

Oh, leave off. I don't think crackheads come in beige, do you? Are you gonna introduce me or what?

Kirsty

No!

Glen

No! Ahhhhhhh! Kirsty, fetch the pepper spray!

Lee

What the fu*k is that?

Glen

Go on, get it, Kirsty! Get it!

Kirsty

I'm getting it!

Lee

Are you gonna plunge me with the objet d'art now, are you?

Glen

Sorry. I'm sorry, Lee. But you cannot be here.

Lee

It's a bit late for that, isn't it? Listen...

Glen

No. I don't want to listen. Just go.

Lee

I just wanna ask you -

Glen

Now, GET OUT OF MY FU*KING HOUSE!

Lee

Oh, for fu*k's sake! I just want to talk to you, Glen!

Kirsty

You know each other?

Lee has kidnapped Glen's boss, Ian. But he doesn't intend to do him any harm. He just wants to get his brother's attention. So that's okay, right?

Glen

Is he drunk?

Lee

Just to grease the wheels.

Ian

My wheels are fu*king greasy!

Glen

Oh, my God. Why would you do this?

Lee

I just wanted to get your attention.

Glen

You wanted to get my attention? Yeah, by kidnapping my boss? Do you think that's reasonable? You think that's normal -

Lee

Look, here we go, look. Old Panickin' Skywalker. I told you, didn't I?

How did Glen explain Lee to Kirsty? What excuses did he make for his sudden presence in their home? He told her that Lee was a male prostitute. That's what he actually told her. The pr**k.

Lee

Who'd you say I was after I left?

Glen

I said, um... you worked for Dad's haulage company. And you'd lost your way and fallen into a spiral of addiction. And...

Lee

And?

Glen

Well, yeah... I had to think on my feet, didn't I?

Lee

What did you say?

Glen

I panicked, all right?

Lee

What did you say, Glen?

Glen

You worked in prostitution.

Lee

Fu*king hell. Cheers!

Glen

Well, I didn't think you'd be coming back, did I, so...

Lee

And it's sex worker, Glen. Get your terms right.

Roger is Glen's next door neighbour. He's growing plants in his garden which overhand into Glen's. Glen's fine with it. Lee isn't. It's time to have a word.

Glen

Morning. Did you sleep all right?

Lee

That c*nt's got them all on your borders.

Glen

Oh? Ah, well. Never mind.

Lee

OI!

Glen

Morning, Roger!

Lee needs an urgent cash injection. So, who better to turn to that Steve Drummond, now calling himself Steve Diamond, a long-term friend of Lee's father. Or so he thought.

Steve Diamond

I'll be honest, I'm flattered that you thought of me, Lee.

Lee

I knew I could rely on you.

Steve Diamond

Hmm. Why? Because I've done so well for meself?

Lee

Yes. And also because, my old man, he did look after you. And he also said you was there for him. Whenever he needed you, he said you was as solid as a rock!

Steve Diamond

Is that what he said? Well, I tell you what, Lee. How about this? Suck my big ginger c*ck.

Lee

What?

Steve Diamond

You heard. You see, your old man was a pr**k. And I, for one, am fu*king glad that he's croaked it.

Lee

Fu*king hell! Steve? Mate!

Steve Diamond

Oh, well, there's the thing, you see, Lee... I'm not your fu*king mate.

"Sh*t C*nts" - only in London could someone take the most offensive word on the planet and make it even more offensive by adding the word sh*t to it!

Ian

[Having to shuffle his chair in to allow a fellow diner to leave the toilet]

Sorry.

Lee

Hold up a minute. They've whacked you right by the khazis?

Glen

It's fine.

Lee

You told me they know you here?

Glen

It's fine, Lee, it's absolutely fine -

Waiter

Are we all okay over here?

Glen

Yes. Yeah.

Kirsty

Yes, thank you.

Lee

Tell him you want another table.

Glen

No, no, Lee, no -

Waiter

Something wrong with this one?

Lee

Yeah, no, it's lovely. Really, really lovely. What I'm really looking forward to is old Poirot here dropping his guts five foot from me head.

Glen

I mean, if there were, you know, another table?

Waiter

That's not going to be possible, I'm afraid.

Lee

Really? Because I can see one, right over there, can you see it? Go on have a little look.

Glen

Stop it, Lee. It's fine, honestly, it's fine.

Waiter

Enjoy your meal.

Glen

Will do.

Kirsty

Thank you.

Glen

Thank you. Yeah.

Lee

Get your plates.

Kirsty

What's happening? Oh, no. Ian? Are you... okay, yup. Get your plate.

Waiter

Oi, hold up. What are you doing?

Lee

We're moving.

Waiter

No, this table's reserved.

Lee

We're moving or we're leaving. But if we're leaving, we're not fu*king paying.

Glen

No, Lee. Stop it! Stop it!

Lee

What we won't do is stand here and be treated like utter sh*t c*nts

There's dissension in the ranks at World of Carpets. Glen has stepped up to Acting Assistant Manager and Brian is not happy about his promotion, as sh*tty and worthless as it is.

Glen

Let's make this a more engaged workplace environment. And maybe, just maybe, we'll sell a few more quality flooring systems along the way!

Brian

Bullsh*t.

Glen

Sorry?

Brian

You're manager now? Just like that?

Glen

Well, no, acting assistant manager -

Brian

Bullsh*t! You think I'm dumb? Think I'm a dumb fool?

Glen

Oh, no.

Brian

I heard you! Chatting up Ian in the bogs!

Glen

No, no, Brian, Brian... That's not what happened. It's not -

Brian

Rat! Rat tactics!

Aysha

What? Chill out, grandad!

Brian

Shush, you!

Glen

Oh.

Aysha

Did he... did he just shush me?

Glen

Simmer down.

Brian

Don't shush me, fu*king liquorice breath!

Glen

Okay, well, not that sort of language -

Aysha

Who even eats liquorice? Sh*ts from the past. Like you!

Glen

Aysha, I've got this!

Aysha

I'm on your side, d*ckhead.

Glen

Go and open up, it's nearly nine. Now, go!

Aysha

Or what, Glen? You gonna throw noodles at me?

Glen

What?

Aysha

Yes, bruv. I've seen the video! Ian's not gotten sick. Ian's gotten criminally insane. Look...

[AYSHA shows BRIAN a looped video of IAN throwing noodles into a bemused waiter's face]

Ian

Suck that! Suck that! Suck that!

Ayha

Yes, bruv! You and Ian, is it? Cheeky little date night.

Brian

I bloody knew it!

What Glen needs, according to Lee, in order to overcome his crippling erectile dysfunction, is a bit of Fight Club. Stripped to the waist, hand-to-hand combat. Hmm. I don't think so, do you?

Glen

I shan't be drawn!

Lee

Oh, he shan't be drawn, Ian.

Glen

Take your weight off my chinos.

Lee

No, no. I think Glen does need to run home to Kirsty. Although, she'd probably be glad on her own tonight.

Glen

You are creasing the hem, Lee!

Lee

That way, she can invite in the pizza boy. 'Cause she's gotta get a bit of c*ck from somewhere, ain't she? Ooh, there he is! I knew he was in there, the old Angry Beaver?

Glen

I've got the plums, son. Ruddy big ones!

Lee

Come on, you nutty bollocks. Let's fu*king have it!

Ian is drunk. He's blind drunk. And now Glen has two gangsters in the shop, asking for the manager. Clearly they're looking for his brother. Probably looking to kill him. It's a bad day.

Ian

Aysha! Have some of this. It's what rappers drink.

Aysha

Uh, I'm good. Thanks, Ian. 'Cause it's haram? Also, it's like, half nine in the morning?

Glen

Aysha, we need to keep him here and sober him up.

Aysha

Right, you'll have to go out front.

Glen

What, why?

Aysha

'Cause there's these two fu*kers asking for the manager, innit? Scary c*nts. I'll deal with him. Oi, Glen?

Glen

Hmm?

Aysha

If sh*t gets nasty, can I fu*k him up or what?

In fact, the two men in the store aren't gangsters. They're not looking at fu*king Glen up. They're looking at fu*king him. If you catch my drift!

Dimitar

Come, Glen. We go. Blago is getting impatient.

Glen

Fine. Yeah, you wanna do this? Yeah? Let's just do it. You wanna fu*k me up? Yeah! Let's fu*k me up. Sure. I won't go down without a fight. You can do what you want to me, but I swear... I'm never gonna show you where I live!

Dimitar

Okay, no problem. We host.

Glen

Sorry?

Dimitar

Yeah, sure. We host.

Glen

I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure what you...

Dimitar

Okay, look. Two tops, looking for a bottom. Casual hookups, no strings.

Blago

I enjoy... nipple play.

Glen

Yeah, me not so much. You?

Sue would be Lee's common-law mother-in-law. I think. The mother of his brother's wife... is that even a thing? Hmm. Well, anyway... she kicks the sh*t out of Lee. That's all you really need to know.

Lee

Let's have it, you c*nt!

[The intruder knocks LEE to the ground by hitting him in the head with the contents of a blue carrier bag]

Sue

Who the fu*k are you?

Lee

Jesus Christ -

Sue

No, he's a skinny bloke in a loincloth. Now, who are you?

Lee

All right, all right, all right. I'm Lee. I'm Glen's brother!

Sue

Why didn't you say then, you d*ckhead?

Sue

What did you hit me with?

Sue

Oh, it's a chicken, isn't it?

Lee

Who the fu*k are you?

Sue

Ay! Sue! Pleasure.

Roger, Glen's next door neighbour is outside, demanding entrance to discuss parking. He's not picked a great time. Glen is about to go "Lee" on him.

Roger

Open up immediately! I shan't ask again.

Glen

Roger! We're having a bit of a... we've had a family -

Roger

I don't give a tuppenny toss, son!

Kirsty

Glen.

Glen

All right, Roger!

Bunny

Love, that's your wedding.

Roger

You want to watch your tone, chum. Didn't your mother teach you any manners?

Glen

Actually, sorry, can I just get my cagoule please? I'm just gonna -

Kirsty

Yeah. Wh... why?

Roger

No, nothing, just... won't be a minute, I'll... yeah.

Kirsty

Glen?

Glen

[Storming outside to address ROGER]

BRING IT, C*NT!