16 MP3 Audio clips from Police Squad! (1982)

PLAY ALL 16 CLIPS

Ralph Twice. Shot once. Jim Fell - but he's the auditor. Jim Johnson is the teller who fell during this robbery. Confused? Yeah, you will be.

Jim Johnson

Good afternoon, sir. May I help you?

Ralph Twice

I'd like to cash this cheque.

Jim Johnson

Payroll cheque?

Ralph Twice

Yes, I'm with the Lerman Tyre Company. At least I used to be. I just got laid off today.

Jim Johnson

Well, since this is your first time here, can I see some identification, uh, Mr. Twice?

Ralph Twice

Yeah, sure. Here's my driver's license.

Jim Johnson

Do you have two major credit cards? Uh, thumbprint here, please. Now stand on that line and look directly into the camera.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Jim Johnson

Thank you. Now look to your left and cough.

[COUGHS]

Jim Johnson

And again.

[COUGHS]

Jim Johnson

Now, spread your toes, please. And the other foot. Thank you.

Every episode started with a monologue like this one from Sergeant Frank Drebin, who is a Detective Lieutenant. Pick a lane, Frank... those are two completely different ranks!

Sergeant Frank Drebin

My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in Laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups at neighbourhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there.

Frank's interview of a significant witness isn't going well. He now has a Mr. Wunce, a Mr. Twice, a Mr. Fell, and a Mr. Phil Din. Yeah, this is going to be tricky to comprehend.

Captain Ed Hocken

This is Sally Decker, Frank.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Hello, Miss Decker.

Sally Decker

Hello.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

I'm Captain (sic) Frank Drebin. I understand you've had a pretty rough time.

Sally Decker

Yeah, it was pretty bad.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Cigarette?

Sally Decker

Yes, I know.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Well. Do you feel up to any questions?

Sally Decker

I'll try.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Where were you when all this happened?

Sally Decker

I was right here at my desk, working.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

And when was the first time you noticed something was wrong?

Sally Decker

Well, when I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Captain Ed Hocken

Uh, he's the teller, Frank.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

What, Jim Fell's the teller?

Sally Decker

No, Jim Johnson.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Who's Jim Fell?

Captain Ed Hocken

Oh, he's the auditor, Frank.

Sally Decker

He had the flu, so Jim filled in.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Phil who?

Captain Ed Hocken

Phil Din. He's the night watchman, Frank.

Sally Decker

If only, Phil, had been here.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Now wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Twice came in and shot the teller and Jim fell.

Sally Decker

No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Okay, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.

Sally Decker

No, I only shot once.

Captain Ed Hocken

Twice is the holdup man.

Sally Decker

Then I guess, I did shoot Twice.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Oh, so now you're changing your story.

Sally Decker

No, I shot Twice after Jim fell.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

You shot Twice and Jim Fell?

Sally Decker

No, Jim fell first, and then I shot Twice once.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Who fired twice?

Sally Decker

Once.

Captain Ed Hocken

He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Okay. Wunce is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then, Twice shot the teller once.

Sally Decker

Twice.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

And Jim fell and then you fired twice.

Sally Decker

Once.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Mmm. Okay, all right, that'll be all for now, Miss Decker.

Captain Ed Hocken

Now, we'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.

Sally Decker

Oh, of course.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.

Sally Decker

Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Well. Thank you again, Miss Decker.

Poker. A game of chance, a game of luck, a game of strategy and deception. And also a game with so many rules it's a miracle every tournament doesn't end in a punch-up!

Cooper

All right, Kelly. What do you got?

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Full house. Kings over.

Cooper

Not so fast, Kelly. A straight beats a full house.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

No, it doesn't. A straight beats three of a kind. A full house beats a straight.

Player #1

Doesn't a flush beat a straight?

Player #2

A straight flush beats everything.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Not a royal flush.

Cooper

Does a flush beat a full house?

Player #2

A regular flush or a straight flush?

Player #1

A flush. A flush beats a straight.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

I've played a lot of poker. A full house beats a straight.

Another clever play on words. Not only the ransom note tied to a window and thrown into a rock garden, but also the misunderstanding about the ransom demand. Classic!

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Is there a ransom note?

Captain Ed Hocken

Yes, the butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding $1 million.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

Captain Ed Hocken

The kidnappers made the demand, Frank.

In between solving crimes using the latest forensic techniques, Ted Olsen entertains local children with science.

Ted Olsen

So you see, Billy, this experiment will prove the Earth's gravity exerts the same pulling force on any object, no matter what size or weight.

Billy

Gee!

Ted Olsen

Let me show you what I've done. The bowling ball weighs ten pounds. Your next door neighbor, Dr. Maurice Shoenbaum, weighs a hundred and seventy-five pounds. Are you ready, Dr. Shoenbaum? Now, Billy, I'll set this timer to drop the bowling ball and Dr. Shoenbaum in one minute so that we can watch from a safe distance. Oh, hi, Frank. Why don't you run along now, Billy, and next week we'll discuss ten things you can do with a carrot.

Billy

Great. Bye, Mr. Olson.

Warner Burton's daughter, Terri has been kidnapped. And his only hope of getting her back safe and well is Sergeant Frank Drebin. Holy sh*t!

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Well, now, Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter's close, we'll find her.

Warner Burton

The lakefront! My God! Do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!

Sergeant Frank Drebin

That's not true. I've seen a picture of her. She's very attractive.

Captain Ed Hocken

Maybe a little thin. But don't you worry. We've got everything under control.

Terrorism has no place in modern society. And it really has no place in a superior court in the fictional American city of Fordham.

Court Officer

The Superior Court of the County of Fordham is now in session. The Honorable J. Oliver Maxwell presiding.

The Honorable J. Oliver Maxwell

You may be seated. The court will come to order.

[As HONORABLE J. OLIVER MAXWELL bangs the gavel, it explodes]

Uh, there will be a five minute recess.

You've heard the expressionm "rings a bell", right? Well, at Police Squad, names and facts LITERALLY ring bells. Apparently.

Captain Ed Hocken

I've got Marcus and Drake going through the records of recently released prisoners. Turns out that seven of those guys were sent up by Judge Maxwell himself. Here, I've made out a list for you.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Ah, Monroe, Lynch, Barker, Fanning, Smith, Brookhouse, Casales.

[TYPEWRITER DINGING]

Wait a minute. That name rings a bell.

Captain Ed Hocken

Eddie Casales?

[BELL DINGS]

Casales...

[BELL BUZZES]

Casales...

[BELL RINGS]

Casales...

[BELL TOLLS]

Say, wasn't that the guy that was convicted of bombing about six or seven years ago?

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Right. And I remember him as being a pretty tough customer.

Captain Ed Hocken

Yeah. Al? You got that file on Eddie Casales?

Big Al

Got it right here.

Captain Ed Hocken

Thanks. Oh, and Al, get yourself a haircut. You look ridiculous.

"Du Jour" is French and used to describe something that is enjoying great but probably short-lived popularity or publicity. Like Mimi, for example.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Mimi Du Jour?

Mimi Du Jour

Yeah.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

I'm Lieutenant Drebin. This is Captain Hocken, Police Squad.

Mimi Du Jour

Is this some kind of bust?

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Yes, it's very impressive, but we'd just like to ask a few questions.

Mimi Du Jour

Well, come on in.

There's nothing like pressuring a witness to give evidence, is there, Frank? Nothing like turning those thumbscrews and bringing on the emotional blackmail to gain the evidence you need, right, Frank?

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Jill? I'm Captain Drebin. Cigarette?

Jill

Yes, it is.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Well, I'm here to help you. Coffee?

Jill

No, thank you.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Tea?

Jill

No.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Eclair? Rum ball? Torte?

Jill

No, really, thank you.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Jill, you've got to give us something to go on. Names, description, sounds, smells, shirt size, anything. Will you do that?

Jill

I really should go. I shouldn't be here.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Jill, I know you're frightened. These criminals, that's what they count on. Fear is their greatest weapon. Jill, if you help us, we'll put them behind bars for good.

Jill

I'm sorry, but I just didn't get a good look.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Now we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

Police Officer

[Gagging]

Frank, please, I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

Captain Ed Hocken

Oh, Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.

Jill

I'm really sorry.

Captain Ed Hocken isn't always the sharpest knife in the drawer, and certainly not the brightest bulb in the box. Hell, he couldn't pour p*ss out of a boot if the instructions were on the sole!

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Maybe we're just gonna have to get our own evidence first-hand.

Captain Ed Hocken

I don't understand, Frank.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Well, now let's say a new merchant moves into the neighborhood, opens up a shop.

Captain Ed Hocken

Okay.

Both

A new merchant moves into the neighborhood and opens up a shop.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Then let's say that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Captain Ed Hocken

All right.

Both

That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Captain Ed Hocken

That's a good plan, Frank.

Another impromptu science lesson for Billy down at the Crime Lab.

Ted Olsen

So, Billy, electrostatic particles are created by an imbalance of electrons. The resulting charge is what we scientists call static electricity.

Billy

Gee.

Ted Olsen

It's... it's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer, puts it on and it... and it clings to every supple curve and soft, round... oh, hi, Frank. Why don't you run along now, Billy. Next week don't forget to bring in those magazines you found under your father's bed.

Billy

Okay, Mr. Olsen. Bye.

Frank Drebin might be an awful detective but he's also really bad at coming up with pet names for lovers. So, at least he has that going for him!

Dutch Gunderson

Hello, baby. This is Dutch. You take care of that locksmith for me?

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Now you say what I tell you. Everything is taken care of.

Stella

Everything is taken care of.

Dutch Gunderson

That's my girl.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

I'd sure like to see you.

Stella

I'd sure like to see you.

Dutch Gunderson

Sure thing, baby. You still love me?

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Of course I love you.

Stella

Of course I love you.

Dutch Gunderson

You don't sound like you mean it, lambikins.

Sergeant Frank Drebin

Of course I mean it, lambikins.

Stella

Of course I mean it, lambikins.

Dutch Gunderson

Do you really, binky poo?

Sergeant Frank Drebin

More than anything, schnooky lumps.

Stella

More than anything, schnooky lumps.

Dutch Gunderson

Schnooky lumps? Oh, I like that. Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before.

Don is a Medical Examiner. What we call a forensic pathologist in the UK. And, as a sideline, he seems to use the ceiling-suspended microphone to present a radio show.

Don

Multiple bruises of the upper torso, some indication of cardiovascular failure. Turning to the weather, we have a cold front moving in from the west that'll bring us some showers tonight. Now, here's the latest from Neil Diamond, going out to Margot from Barry.

It's Katie's turn for a science lesson from Ted Olsen. And this time, the psychopath is putting her favourite doll through a trash compactor.

Ted Olsen

So you see, Katie, objects get their shape from the arrangement of their molecules. If you apply force to these molecules, their arrangement is altered, and the shape of the object is changed. Now, did you bring me your Crying Judy doll?

Katie

Here she is, Mr. Olsen.

Ted Olsen

All right. Let's see what happens when we put Crying Judy in the trash compactor.

[CRYING JUDY is crying]

Ted Olsen

Oh, hi, Frank. Katie, why don't you run along now? Next week we'll learn why cows look forward to giving milk.

Katie

Gee, thanks, Mr. Olsen. Bye.