8 MP3 Audio clips from Dear Santa (2024)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

Bill Turner isn't great at saying what he means without causing offence. This is his son he's talking to so all the more reason to regulate what he says, right?

Bill Turner

Look, I know how hard it is being the new kid in town. And as it is, school presents challenges for you because of your learning dis-

Molly Turner

Differences. Learning differences.

Bill Turner

Right, learning differences. Which is good, but even more reason not to write certain letters. Because that way, when you go to meet other sixth-graders, you won't get, uh... beaten up.

Clip 2

Liam isn't great at talking to girls. I mean, is this the best he could do? He started out fine but, well... it went downhill pretty rapidly thereafter.

Liam

I like the cat stickers on your locker.

Emma

Thank you.

Liam

My cat licks her nipples.

Emma

Well, that's pretty random.

Clip 3

Satan has appeared in Liam's bedroom to discuss the little matter of the letter Liam sent him. There's no denying it. Satan has it right there... inside his robes.

Liam

Who are you? What do you want?

Santa

What do you mean what do I want? It's me.

Liam

Who?

Santa

Me. I got your letter.

Liam

What letter?

Santa

The letter you sent me.

Liam

I never sent you a letter.

Santa

What do you call this, fudge nuts?

Clip 4

Satan can make Liam's cat talk. Which he does - to take a break from cleaning his ass... with his tongue.

Blitzen

Santa's the sh*t!

Clip 5

You can't question Gibby's logic on this one. If there's no devil, there can't be a Santa, right? And if there's no Santa, there's no Easter Bunny. Or Tooth Fairy.

Liam

No. That can't be the devil. There is no devil.

Gibby

There's no devil, but there's a Santa Claus? Come on, man. Pick a lane.

Clip 6

Well, this was a comment that really didn't need to be made, Satan. I mean, it's a low, even for you.

Liam

If you touch me, I'll scream.

Satan

Why would I touch you? I'm the devil, not a trusted relative. Sorry. That was low-hanging fruit. By the way, we got a lot of those creepy uncle types down where I'm from.

Clip 7

"Sanity adjacent." That's a new one. But in this day and age, even the Devil needs to be politically correct, I guess.

Satan

After you make two more wishes, I'm taking your soul.

Liam

What? Are you insane?

Satan

I prefer "sanity adjacent."

Clip 8

Satan has the power to reduce even the most upstanding and respectable citizen to a quivering pile of flatulence. Only, it's worse. These farts sound like they have lumps in.

Mr. Charles

Who do you think you are, talking to me like that?

Satan

Here we go.

Mr. Charles

Dressed like you're in some apocalyptic biker gang, with your dead carcass. Now, I will not tolerate obscene language directed at me. Ooh. Oh, my.

Satan

Dear me. That doesn't sound right. I hope you're not getting that stomach bug that's been going around.

Mr. Charles

Sir, I am the picture of health. Ooh. Oh! Pardon me. Kombucha.

Satan

I hope it's not IBS. Sometimes that can be unruly.

Mr. Charles

Gentlemen, excuse me. It seems nature is calling, and I intend to answer. Ooh.

Satan

Oh, my. I've never heard such a spirited bout of flatulence.