8 MP3 Audio clips from Ali G Indahouse (2002)

PLAY ALL 8 CLIPS

Clip 1

We English are renowned for our lack of ability to learn other languages. Ali G is no exception, but he has the basics of French. By which I mean he can say his name and where he lives. Sort of.

Rico

It's time to teach both of you a lesson.

Ali G

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Rico

You better step back, ese, unless you want me to bust a cap in your ass. This is my 'hood. And these girls belong to me.

Ali G

Belong? That is a very sexist way to talk about these b**ches.

Hoochie 1

Hola. Ây qué rico estás, papito!
("Hello. Oh how delicious you are, daddy!")

Ali G

Bonjour. Je m'appelle Ali. J'habite in Staines.

Clip 2

What the... was this really necessary? I mean... a dog. A DOG! A dog called 2Pac. Who appears to be... well, I'll let you find out for yourself! Spoiler alert: this is grim.

Hoochie 1

Mmm, you saved us. I just really want to thank you.

[HOOCHIE 1 unzips ALI G]

Hoochie 2

Mmm.

Hoochie 1

Ây, Dios mío! That's gonna need the two of us.

Hoochie 2

Mmm.

[It quickly becomes obvious that this is a dream as ALI G wakes up to find that it's not a latino woman pleasuring him]

Ali G

Here. Let me help you with that. Mm, that's nice. That's very nice. Oh, yes, please. Mmm. Thank you very much. Oh, that's good, babe. Oh, 2Pac, no! Whatever. Oh, yeah, baby. Play with the balls. Oh, good dog.

Mum

Ali, are you awake?

Ali G

For real.

Clip 3

This is like the Cub Scouts but a little more "street." Here, the children gain badges for minor criminality and have slits shaved in their eyebro[Makesws to denote their achievements.

Ali G

Crack cocaine is destroying our community. So when a brother makes it through, they deserve our respect. So let's big it up for Darren, who's been clean and off the crack now for eight years.

Darren

Eight and three-quarter years.

Ali G

Whatever. Me don't want to say this, but most of you ain't never gonna see eleven. Booka! Drive-bys.

[A little boy at the back of the group begins crying]

Boy

Look, he's crying. Homo, homo!

Ali G

Hey! We'll have none of that language here. The word is "batty boy."

Boy

Batty boy! Batty boy!

Ali G

Better! Now, everybody up. 'Cause it's time to give out this week's badges. First, big it up for me main man Andy... who has finally got his hot-wiring badge... and his advanced swearing badge.

Andy

Sh*t off, you hairy dog's c*ck.

Ali G

Respect. And since you is got your fifth badge, you has also earned your second slit. Hopefully one day, you'll get to be Tyrone's level. Tryrone, if you's get any better, we is gonna have to start doing your pubes, a'ight?

Tyrone

I don't have any.

Clip 4

Picture the scene. Ali G is naked from the waist down, he's fallen backwards onto a railing which has gone up his... you know... and here comes a blind railing polisher to complete the innuendo.

Blind Man

Oh, Shep, this rail is very dirty. It's going to need a lot of polishing.

Ali G

[Makes sexually explicit noises]

Clip 5

Ali G is on the campaign trail, trying to get his name and political agenda out there to the good (but unsuspecting) people of Staines and the wider Middlesex area!

Ali G

Easy now, rude boy. Me name be Ali G and me is here representing Staines. Me wanna know if me can count on your vote. What ya say?

Resident

Definitely not!

Ali G

Hairy muff. Well, seein' as I is here, I couldn't interest you in a quarter of Moroccan black? It's well good sh*t.

[The resident slams the door in ALI G'S face]

Dave, it's your turn to sh*t through the letter box.

[CUT TO: (Interior School) ALI G is being given a tour by the Headteacher]

Headteacher

Our anti-bullying program me has won lots of praise. And incidents of bullying in this school are at an all-time low. Ah, this is Jonathan, who used to suffer terribly at the hands of bullies.

Ali G

I ain't surprised. Look at him. Hey, fatty boom-boom. Hey, fatty boom-boom. Hey, want another cream cake? Boing, boing, boing. Oh. He is well fat, though, isn't he?

[CUT TO: (Exterior Staines) ALI G is driving his bright yellow Renault 5 Turbo around the streets of Staines, addressing the community through huge loudhailers]

All you mother-fu*kers, fu-fu-fu-fu*kers. All you mother-fu*kers. Fu-fu-fu-fu*kers. Vote for the G. The mother-fu*king G. That's me. The mother-fu*king G.

[CUT TO: (Town Hall Interior) Meeting of the Staines Feminist Alliance]

All the b**ches in the house say "Yo!" Vote for me, 'cause me know what you lezzers want. I's a big supporter of your cause. And I's got many, many of your videos. If you vote for me, me give you me pledge... to lower taxes on strap-ons. Why's you getting so eggy? Is you all on?

Clip 6

Politicians. Am I right? If they're not indulging in the old "asphy-wa*k" with an orange in their mouth, they're probably out sucking off farm animals. Need proof? Look no further!

David Griffiths

You are an embarrassment to your party and to the people of Staines.

Ali G

That is not a very nice way to talk about your mum.

David Griffiths

I put it to you... that you are the worst possible candidate... ever put forward by your miserable party.

Ali G

Well, I put it to you that you sucked off a horse.

David Griffiths

I did not, uh, suck off a horse. I have already dealt with this issue with the party chairman. And as I explained to him, I was out hunting with a friend... and I slipped on to the end of a horse's phallus.

Clip 7

David Carlton is the Chancellor of the Exchequer. He has it out for the Prime Minister but he underestimated Ali G who's written his budget speech for him. It's... unusual.

David Carlton

As of twelve o'clock, all Rizlas will be free. To discourage their use, there will be a levy of twenty-five pence in the pound on panties. This will exclude thongs. As for the health service, marijuana will be made available free on the NHS for the treatment of chronic diseases such as itchy scrot. Furthermore, l am a bell end... Prime Minister, I can't be expected...

Prime Minister

Get on with it, David.

David Carlton

I like to take it up de batty. Yes, I do. It feel really nice and is me favourite. I used to be a girl and wear knicks. Honest. Ask me mum.

Clip 8

Double entendres. Innuendos. This clip has it all. There's no way even a nun could see this as anything other than a string of homosexual puns!

Prime Minister

Ladies and gentlemen, I want everyone to know that President Mwepu, here, is a very big man.

President Mwepu

And I would like you to know that the Prime Minister was very hard but very straight.

Prime Minister

Thank you. The president here was very much on top to start off with. But I don't mind telling you I was in a deep hole.

President Mwepu

Oh, very deep.

Prime Minister

Yes, but even though we had some sticky patches, I'm delighted to say we came together, finally, in the end.

President Mwepu

Yes, I lapped up everything that you had to offer.

Prime Minister

Now, President Oompeba, would you care to join me upstairs?

President Oompeba

No bloody way!