12 MP3 Audio clips from Old Dads (2023)

PLAY ALL 12 CLIPS

Clip 1

Jack Kelly is real. He says it like it is and he keeps his own business to himself. Just as it should be.

Jack Kelly

This is the best part of my day, every day. I always wanted to be a dad. It just took forty-six years for it to happen. When people ask me why, I tell 'em to fu*k off.

Clip 2

Jack is right. Internet porn DOES have a great deal to answer for. I mean, if people spent less time jacking off to Japanese bukkake videos and more time actually raising their children...

Jack Kelly

For some reason, I can't leave my kid in the car to run into a convenience store, but that same store can sell him food so full of hormones he'll be able to grow a beard by the third grade. But nobody gives a sh*t because they're too busy jerking off to Internet porn.

Clip 3

People can't help but interfere can they? I mean, when I was a kid, rubbing dirt into a cut or graze was tantamount to medical advice. And it never did me any harm.

Jack Kelly

Hey, buddy. What happened? You all right?

Nate Kelly

Colin pushed me.

Jack Kelly

Yeah, I know he did. I told you if you play rough, rough things are gonna happen, right? Here, let me see. Let me see. Ah, that's not so bad. Just rub some dirt on it, buddy. There you go.

Hunter Lewis

You might wanna get him checked or at least put a little Neosporin on it, or something. That thing could get infected.

Jack Kelly

Who are you?

Hunter Lewis

I'm, uh, Hunter Lewis. I'm Lisa's husband. I just moved in across the street. Thanks for having me.

Jack Kelly

Oh, yeah? Are you a doctor, or are you just one of those WebMD guys?

Hunter Lewis

It's just common knowledge. You wanna keep the cut clean.

Jack Kelly

Oh, is it? Listen, I'm trying to raise a little man here, not a fu*king pu**y. So, I appreciate your concern, but why don't you just go back to your hard seltzer and, you know, go on Twitter, and go share the story where you're the hero?

Clip 4

So, Mike has found a woman who wants nothing more than to fu*k him and go to the gym. She IS the proverbial unicorn, folks. Well done, Mike.

Jack Kelly

Look, we're happy for you guys. We're wondering when you're gonna make an honest woman out of Britney, that's all.

Mike Richards

I told you. She doesn't wanna get married. She doesn't wanna have kids. All she wants to do is fu*k me and go to the gym.

Jack Kelly

Goddamn, Mike. You found a fu*king unicorn.

[JACK and MIKE clink glasses]

Clip 5

People who give unsolicited advise to others to seek psychiatric help... this is how they feel about you. Fu*king sociopathic hipster douches. Couldn't have said it better myself!

Jack Kelly

You want me to go see a shrink?

Aspen Bell

I appreciate you.

Jack Kelly

"I appreciate you." "I appreciate you." Fu*king sociopath hipster douche. Gonna threaten me in my own goddamn building? I'll fu*king knock you out, throw you in a bag of laundry, and they'll never fu*king see you again.

Clip 6

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner knows which buttons to press to turn Jack Kelly from a caring father into an uncontrollable, raging, burning ball of anger. She even makes him drop the C-Bomb.

Jack Kelly

What?

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

It's a dollar for every minute you're late.

Jack Kelly

Of course it is. Okay. Here's five bucks. It's -

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

- Oh, no. This first violation is free.

Jack Kelly

Really? Well, then why didn't you tell me that before I put my kid down?

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

Well, if you'd actually read the guidebook instead of just saying you did, I wouldn't have to tell you anything.

Jack Kelly

Is there, like, a problem here, miss?

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

Well, actually -

Jack Kelly

- 'Cause if you have some sort of issue with me, what you do is you take me aside in private, and you talk to me. You don't dress me down in front of my kid. I'm paying you to educate my son, not me, okay?

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

Oh. Well, we here at Little Hearts and Minds believe that education extends into the home.

Jack Kelly

Oh, do you?

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

And once again -

Jack Kelly

Fantastic.

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

- you'd know that -

Jack Kelly

I do know that -

Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner

- if you'd picked up the guidebook and started -

Jack Kelly

- Jesus Christ! I read the goddamn fu*king guidebook! All right? You stumpy little c*nt!

Clip 7

If you've had a vasectomy, there's no way you should be able to get someone pregnant. But in Mike's case, he's got some military-grade swimmers, clearly.

Jack Kelly

I mean, look at it this way. You got really strong sperm. You should be proud.

Connor Brody

Seriously. I mean, guys our age, our cum is usually, like, asthmatic, you know, but your sh*t's, like, Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, bro.

Jack Kelly

Yeah. To plow through a vasectomy with pre-cum. I mean, that... that's unheard of.

Connor Brody

Come on.

Jack Kelly

That's like some Braveheart level jizz.

Connor Brody

Yeah, dude. You're like a Black William Wallace. PRE-CUM! Sorry.

Clip 8

Jack and Connor aren't modern men. They don't understand pronouns or any of that bullsh*t. No. They just want to throw a party and don't really care about a politically-correct theme.

Kelly

I've got it. What about the United States of Gender?

Dana

There it is. Oh my God. I love that!

Kelly

I know. I love it.

Dana

We could have an entirely trans waitstaff. It'd be great!

Connor Brody

Okay. Wait a minute, guys. There's gonna be a lot of different people here at this party. Maybe we should try to keep it a little more... a little more mainstream.

Kelly

Hmm. Define mainstream.

Jack Kelly

I don't know, like, you know, like... not turn it into, like, a tranny bar.

Mimi

Oh my God! Tranny? You cannot say that word!

Jack Kelly

What... what are you supposed to say?

Kelly / Dana / Mimi

Trans!

Jack Kelly

Oh, all right. Well, I was close. Trans, tranny. It's like Mike, Mikey.

Connnor Brody

Mikey!

Jack Kelly

Yeah. I mean, people call me a ginger. I don't give a fu*k.

Clip 9

Steph is a nightmare. She's opinionated, racist and generally obnoxious. Oh, plus she's flatulent. Not someone you want to ask for their opinion on anything at all, really.

Jack Kelly

Sweetheart, mind if I ask you a question?

Steph

Yeah, what's that?

Jack Kelly

Do you think vaping is smoking?

Steph

Oh, absolutely, yeah. And it's ruining this country.

Jack Kelly

Thank you. Thank you. There. I rest my case.

Steph

Yeah, and so are those fu*king immigrants. I mean, how many more can we let in?

[STEPH farts loudly]

Well, that made some room.

Clip 10

This starts well. No hint of misogyny or sexism. I started to think Jack was a true family man. But no. One stripper walks past with her buttocks exposed, and all of his bluster is blown wide open.

Jack Kelly

So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it's one of the only things in life that lives up to the hype. I mean, nothing you're gonna achieve in your career can even touch it, so if you feel that way about Hannah, you should go and tell her. 'Cause the only thing that matters in life is if you love someone and they love you. That's all that matters. That and your kids.

[A STRIPPER walks past with her buttocks exposed]

Jesus Christ! Look at the fu*king ass on her.

Aspen Bell

Oh my God! Yeah.

Clip 11

Richie Jacobs is old-school. He likes old music, he holds old opinions and he doesn't care who he offends by voicing them.

Richie Jacobs

♪Flip flop, they was doing the bop... ♪
Goddamn it, you fu*king whore! Ugh! What a fu*king sewer. That's why I left this goddamn city. Every blond-headed dipsh*t with a dream has to come all the way down here, suck d*ck to host a fu*king game show.

Clip 12

Some things should be "inner-voice" only. Especially when you're embroiled in an argument with your good lady. Then especially, you need to keep your thoughts to yourself.

Cara Brody

I'm just so sick of your fu*king excuses.

Connor Brody

What? It's not an excuse, Cara. I'm in actual fu*king pain, which is something you can't relate to because you block it out with your cold, reptilian mindset.

Cara Brody

You think I'm cold?

Connor Brody

Babe, when you open your legs, I can actually hear the East German National Anthem.

[CARA slaps CONNOR across the face]

Ah!