Jack Kelly (Bill Burr), Connor Brody (Bobby Cannavale), and Mike Richards (Bokeem Woodbine); three best friends who become fathers later in life and find themselves battling preschool principals, millennial CEOs, and absolutely anything created after 1987.
Jack Kelly (Bill Burr), Connor Brody (Bobby Cannavale), and Mike Richards (Bokeem Woodbine); three best friends who become fathers later in life and find themselves battling preschool principals, millennial CEOs, and absolutely anything created after 1987.
Jack Kelly is real. He says it like it is and he keeps his own business to himself. Just as it should be.
Jack Kelly
This is the best part of my day, every day. I always wanted to be a dad. It just took forty-six years for it to happen. When people ask me why, I tell 'em to fu*k off.
Clip 2
Jack is right. Internet porn DOES have a great deal to answer for. I mean, if people spent less time jacking off to Japanese bukkake videos and more time actually raising their children...
Jack Kelly
For some reason, I can't leave my kid in the car to run into a convenience store, but that same store can sell him food so full of hormones he'll be able to grow a beard by the third grade. But nobody gives a sh*t because they're too busy jerking off to Internet porn.
Clip 3
People can't help but interfere can they? I mean, when I was a kid, rubbing dirt into a cut or graze was tantamount to medical advice. And it never did me any harm.
Jack Kelly
Hey, buddy. What happened? You all right?
Nate Kelly
Colin pushed me.
Jack Kelly
Yeah, I know he did. I told you if you play rough, rough things are gonna happen, right? Here, let me see. Let me see. Ah, that's not so bad. Just rub some dirt on it, buddy. There you go.
Hunter Lewis
You might wanna get him checked or at least put a little Neosporin on it, or something. That thing could get infected.
Jack Kelly
Who are you?
Hunter Lewis
I'm, uh, Hunter Lewis. I'm Lisa's husband. I just moved in across the street. Thanks for having me.
Jack Kelly
Oh, yeah? Are you a doctor, or are you just one of those WebMD guys?
Hunter Lewis
It's just common knowledge. You wanna keep the cut clean.
Jack Kelly
Oh, is it? Listen, I'm trying to raise a little man here, not a fu*king pu**y. So, I appreciate your concern, but why don't you just go back to your hard seltzer and, you know, go on Twitter, and go share the story where you're the hero?
Clip 4
So, Mike has found a woman who wants nothing more than to fu*k him and go to the gym. She IS the proverbial unicorn, folks. Well done, Mike.
Jack Kelly
Look, we're happy for you guys. We're wondering when you're gonna make an honest woman out of Britney, that's all.
Mike Richards
I told you. She doesn't wanna get married. She doesn't wanna have kids. All she wants to do is fu*k me and go to the gym.
Jack Kelly
Goddamn, Mike. You found a fu*king unicorn.
[JACK and MIKE clink glasses]
Clip 5
People who give unsolicited advise to others to seek psychiatric help... this is how they feel about you. Fu*king sociopathic hipster douches. Couldn't have said it better myself!
Jack Kelly
You want me to go see a shrink?
Aspen Bell
I appreciate you.
Jack Kelly
"I appreciate you." "I appreciate you." Fu*king sociopath hipster douche. Gonna threaten me in my own goddamn building? I'll fu*king knock you out, throw you in a bag of laundry, and they'll never fu*king see you again.
Clip 6
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner knows which buttons to press to turn Jack Kelly from a caring father into an uncontrollable, raging, burning ball of anger. She even makes him drop the C-Bomb.
Jack Kelly
What?
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
It's a dollar for every minute you're late.
Jack Kelly
Of course it is. Okay. Here's five bucks. It's -
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
- Oh, no. This first violation is free.
Jack Kelly
Really? Well, then why didn't you tell me that before I put my kid down?
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
Well, if you'd actually read the guidebook instead of just saying you did, I wouldn't have to tell you anything.
Jack Kelly
Is there, like, a problem here, miss?
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
Well, actually -
Jack Kelly
- 'Cause if you have some sort of issue with me, what you do is you take me aside in private, and you talk to me. You don't dress me down in front of my kid. I'm paying you to educate my son, not me, okay?
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
Oh. Well, we here at Little Hearts and Minds believe that education extends into the home.
Jack Kelly
Oh, do you?
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
And once again -
Jack Kelly
Fantastic.
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
- you'd know that -
Jack Kelly
I do know that -
Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner
- if you'd picked up the guidebook and started -
Jack Kelly
- Jesus Christ! I read the goddamn fu*king guidebook! All right? You stumpy little c*nt!
Clip 7
If you've had a vasectomy, there's no way you should be able to get someone pregnant. But in Mike's case, he's got some military-grade swimmers, clearly.
Jack Kelly
I mean, look at it this way. You got really strong sperm. You should be proud.
Connor Brody
Seriously. I mean, guys our age, our cum is usually, like, asthmatic, you know, but your sh*t's, like, Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, bro.
Jack Kelly
Yeah. To plow through a vasectomy with pre-cum. I mean, that... that's unheard of.
Connor Brody
Come on.
Jack Kelly
That's like some Braveheart level jizz.
Connor Brody
Yeah, dude. You're like a Black William Wallace. PRE-CUM! Sorry.
Clip 8
Jack and Connor aren't modern men. They don't understand pronouns or any of that bullsh*t. No. They just want to throw a party and don't really care about a politically-correct theme.
Kelly
I've got it. What about the United States of Gender?
Dana
There it is. Oh my God. I love that!
Kelly
I know. I love it.
Dana
We could have an entirely trans waitstaff. It'd be great!
Connor Brody
Okay. Wait a minute, guys. There's gonna be a lot of different people here at this party. Maybe we should try to keep it a little more... a little more mainstream.
Kelly
Hmm. Define mainstream.
Jack Kelly
I don't know, like, you know, like... not turn it into, like, a tranny bar.
Mimi
Oh my God! Tranny? You cannot say that word!
Jack Kelly
What... what are you supposed to say?
Kelly / Dana / Mimi
Trans!
Jack Kelly
Oh, all right. Well, I was close. Trans, tranny. It's like Mike, Mikey.
Connnor Brody
Mikey!
Jack Kelly
Yeah. I mean, people call me a ginger. I don't give a fu*k.
Clip 9
Steph is a nightmare. She's opinionated, racist and generally obnoxious. Oh, plus she's flatulent. Not someone you want to ask for their opinion on anything at all, really.
Jack Kelly
Sweetheart, mind if I ask you a question?
Steph
Yeah, what's that?
Jack Kelly
Do you think vaping is smoking?
Steph
Oh, absolutely, yeah. And it's ruining this country.
Jack Kelly
Thank you. Thank you. There. I rest my case.
Steph
Yeah, and so are those fu*king immigrants. I mean, how many more can we let in?
[STEPH farts loudly]
Well, that made some room.
Clip 10
This starts well. No hint of misogyny or sexism. I started to think Jack was a true family man. But no. One stripper walks past with her buttocks exposed, and all of his bluster is blown wide open.
Jack Kelly
So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is, it's one of the only things in life that lives up to the hype. I mean, nothing you're gonna achieve in your career can even touch it, so if you feel that way about Hannah, you should go and tell her. 'Cause the only thing that matters in life is if you love someone and they love you. That's all that matters. That and your kids.
[A STRIPPER walks past with her buttocks exposed]
Jesus Christ! Look at the fu*king ass on her.
Aspen Bell
Oh my God! Yeah.
Clip 11
Richie Jacobs is old-school. He likes old music, he holds old opinions and he doesn't care who he offends by voicing them.
Richie Jacobs
♪Flip flop, they was doing the bop... ♪ Goddamn it, you fu*king whore! Ugh! What a fu*king sewer. That's why I left this goddamn city. Every blond-headed dipsh*t with a dream has to come all the way down here, suck d*ck to host a fu*king game show.
Clip 12
Some things should be "inner-voice" only. Especially when you're embroiled in an argument with your good lady. Then especially, you need to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Cara Brody
I'm just so sick of your fu*king excuses.
Connor Brody
What? It's not an excuse, Cara. I'm in actual fu*king pain, which is something you can't relate to because you block it out with your cold, reptilian mindset.
Cara Brody
You think I'm cold?
Connor Brody
Babe, when you open your legs, I can actually hear the East German National Anthem.