30 MP3 Audio clips from Season 23 of Family Guy (1999)

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You'll remember the seminal scene in Top Gun where Maverick and Goose serenade Charlotte "Charlie" Blackwood in the bar? Of course. Well here it is, Family Guy style.

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

♪

You never close your eyes,
any more when I kiss your lips.

"Charlie" Blackwood

No, thank you. Not interested.

Chorus

♪

You're trying hard not to show it -

"Charlie" Blackwood

Guys, please.

Chorus

♪

- baby.

"Charlie" Blackwood

A complete misfire.

Chorus

♪

But, baby,

"Charlie" Blackwood

I'm saying no!

Chorus

♪

Believe me, I know it.

"Charlie" Blackwood

I did not ask for this.

Chorus

♪

You've lost that loving feeling...

"Charlie" Blackwood

Eighty visibly-aroused servicemen are trying to pressure me into a sexual relationship.

Chorus

♪

That loving feeling.

"Charlie" Blackwood

Ah, what the hell. It's an '80s movie, so after ten nos, I have to be your girlfriend.

Chorus

[All cheer]

Peter "Maverick" Griffin has just bedded Charlotte "Charlie" Blackwood in her beachfront property.

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

Wow, that was some good teacher sex. Hey, sorry I yelled, "Talk to me, Goose", when I finished.

This is it. The final hop and the winner of this combat will take the Top Gun trophy. It's between Pete "Maverick" Griffin and Stewie "Iceman" Griffin. Possibly no relation.

Brian

[Over the radio]

This is it, gentlemen. Whoever wins today, wins Top Gun. Good luck.

Stewie "Iceman" Griffin

'Sup, weenies? You left your coffee on top of your plane.

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

Damn it. I can't even without that.

Stewie "Iceman" Griffin

Kill-your-co-pilot-says "what?"

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

What?

Goose is dead. The victim of a flat-spin and a failed attempt to eject which resulted in him colliding with the canopy. You remember, right? Well, here's the sad aftermath.

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

Hey. I'm sorry about Goose. I want you to know, when he died, we were more than five miles out, so I could have done anything I wanted with his body, but I didn't.

Carole Bradshaw

That does bring me some peace.

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

Here's his helmet. There's still some blood and brains in it. Sorry, I washed it at one of those beach foot showers, but they're pretty strictly timed.

Carole Bradshaw

Maybe, um, keep it in that box.

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

I promise that I will always be there for you guys, and I'll for sure give you a huge part in the next movie.

Carole Bradshaw

I know...

Pete "Maverick" Griffin

Provided both our faces age proportionally with each other's. Glad we agreed on that. I'm gonna talk to your son for a second. Hey, your dad loved you very much. And you're gonna grow up to have a stupid mustache just like him one day.

I always wondered why Iceman sniffed after every sentence during the original scene. And I can't have been alone in noticing as Family Guy have made a huge play on it, to great comic effect.

Stewie "Iceman" Griffin

[Sniffs]

Maverick, I'm sorry about Goose.

[Sniffs]

Everybody liked him.

[Sniffs]

Smells like balls in here.

Lois has decided to chaperone a school trip on which both Chris and Meg are going. She's wearing a "fanny pack" and trying to be cool with the kids. It's excruciating!

Principal Shepherd

Hey, gang, I know you're not used to seeing your teachers in shorts, so let's get it all out of the way. They're just legs, guys. Oh, one more thing. We do have a surprise chaperone for this trip. Everyone say hi to Chris and Meg's mom, Lois Griffin.

Lois Griffin

Aah! Woot, woot! Did somebody say "cool mom with an Activia fanny pack"? They give you a free one if you send in enough lids. I've got two fanny packs and a very healthy colon.

Chris & Meg

Our chaperone is Mom?

Girl

You're lucky. My mother died last year after a long illness.

Chris Griffin

You got your GoFundMe money, so shut up!

Damn the heart emoji. How many times have I gone to reply to a friend's text and accidentally sent this instead of a thumbs up or a laugh?

Peter Griffin

Oh, no. Accidental heart, accidental heart. Quick, replace it with a "ha ha." Phew, that was close. I was almost gay.

Joe Swanson

Huh. Peter just came out of the closet. Uhp, no he didn't.

Narrator

The heart emoji: careful, straight dudes!

Chris is a teenager. So he shouldn't be provided with alcohol. But to make matters worse, what teenager wouldn't confuse the phrase Jack on the rocks with something very different?

Chris Griffin

Whew, what a day. I need a drink.

Barman

Jack on the rocks?

Chris Griffin

No, in the toilet, but I'll have that drink now.

The kids are on the bus. Lois is on the bus. Principal Shepherd isn't on the bus. God only knows where Principal Shepherd is.

Lois Griffin

Hey, hey, listen up. Has anyone seen Principal Shepherd? He said he had to go to the men's room and then he just disappeared.

Boy

Yeah, I'm not sure. I think we're all just kind of finger-blasting anything that moves back here.

Meg is suffering from an acute bout of the Green Apple Splatters. She's in the toilet on the bus and the world is literally falling out of her bottom.

Meg Griffin

Can someone please turn on the always 1978 bus radio?

♪

I cried a tear,
you wiped it dry.

Students

Ew!

Meg Griffin

It's not my fault. It's a ballad.

Radio DJ

Ninety-seven point one, W-BUS... songs you can't poop over on a bus. Soft stoolin' our way through the '70s.

♪

I love you,
I honestly love you.

Students

Ew!

Here's one to wrap your head around. How creepy down someone have to be, for Glenn Quagmire to consider them creepy?

Glenn Quagmire

That guy was a little creepy, even for me.

Just what is Lois so happy about? Could it be what Chris suggests? No. No, it's not that. She'll still be needing her first-born son to pee into a bottle so that she can pass his urine off as her own.

Brian Griffin

Wow, someone seems happy today.

Lois Griffin

Damn right. Today's the big day.

Chris Griffin

You're getting off parole? Does this mean I can finally stop giving you my pee?

Lois Griffin

Not yet, so stay off drugs and keep that hose flowing.

Peter is an idiot. In fact, he's reached such heights of idiocy that normal idiots can only dream of achieving the same level.

Peter Griffin

Oh, there you are. Quick update. I found the mayo, but it was in a red bottle under the sink, and they misspelled it "Drano." Anyway, everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready.

I'm not sure how to describe this clip. So, I'll take the easy way out and let it speak for itself.

Brian Griffin

Hey, did you notice Lois has "had plans" a lot lately?

Stewie Griffin

Yeah, something's definitely up. Last night there was adrenaline in her breastmilk. And lately she's been rushing through all her housework.

[LOIS is vacuuming the carpet in STEWIE'S bedroom]

Stewie Griffin

Mommy, I had an oopsie.

Lois Griffin

Oh.

[LOIS sniffs the waistband of STEWIE'S diaper and then shoves the vacuum hose down the back of it, essentially sucking out the offending mess]

Stewie Griffin

Hey! Get back here and do the front!

I love that Family Guy are constantly thinking of new ways to excuse their puerile and hilarious use of fart sounds.

Lois Griffin

He's been like this all week. Last night, he gave his whoopie cushion a Viking funeral.

[CUT TO: LAKE, NIGHT. PETER fires a flaming arrow from a bow into a longboat]

Family Guy quite often breaks the fourth wall and speaks directly to the audience. Here's a classic example of the audience getting to share a joke written like it was never meant to air.

Lois Griffin

Oh, my God, Peter. All this time, I was belittling you, but you did what I wasn't willing to do for you: protect my spouse from public ridicule when... Holy crap, we only got eight seconds left in tonight's episode. Uh, you don't have to be smart for me or serious. I married you for who you are, a good husband, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Peter Griffin

And I married you 'cause you did mouth stuff in the car that one time, but overall, that's not really who you are.

Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot. Classic 90s rap (with a silent C). Luckily, Family Guy have re-worked it to make it even less relevant today than it was when it was first released. Thanks, Family Guy!

♪

I like thick knees,
when they bend real high.
Some brothas wanna love that thigh.
When a girl walks in,
better show me them shins,
and bend, lookin' like the letter "N"
I get chub.
I like 'em hard and bony,
not prosthetic and phony.
Much love to the honeys with glamour,
knees be knocking like a ball-peen hammer.
I don't want them foot bones,
Elbows and shoulders,
making arms fold.
I wanna see meniscus,
without knees can't be my missus.
So hike up dem pants legs,
Cuff 'em, baby, show me dem pegs.
I'm talking femur and tibia,
Jeopardy, baby, knee trivia.
Lady kneecaps.

Tom Tucker. He always has a cynical but amusing slant on the entertainment stories he's expected to present.

Tom Tucker

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. The hot new reality dating show Sex Farm is coming to Quahog. Contestants conceal their identities by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love. Auditions are being held all week at the long-empty Miramax offices downtown. Imagine naming a company after your mother and then molesting everyone who comes in.

Sex Farm is coming to Quahog. Meg is going to audition. Peter casts his mind back to his appearance on Alone when, despite being on camera 24-7, he couldn't help himself.

Peter Griffin

I hope your reality show goes better than mine did.

TV Continuity

This season on Alone, twelve contestants will be droppd in the wilderness.

Peter Griffin

Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate. Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate. Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate. I didn't even make it to the ground.

Having been evicted from Sex Farm, Meg and Chicken Nugget are enjoying their obligatory helicopter ride.

Chicken Nugget

I really like spending time with you. You're so spontaneous.

Meg Griffin

I really like you, too. And I'm sorry for that fart you're gonna smell. I knew you wouldn't hear it, but I didn't think it was gonna be as bad as it was.

Chicken Nugget

I actually did hear it. And I think I might be falling in love with you.

Pilot

Hey, guys, what was the one rule I had?

Meg Griffin / Chicken Nugget

No farting in the helicopter.

Pilot

No farting in the helicopter. I killed bin Laden, now I'm doing this.

Lois is busy clearing out a cupboard when she happens upon her favourite childhood toy which she hopes she can get Stewie interested in. But he has conditions...

Lois Griffin

Oh, look! It's Mommy's old Easy-Bake Oven from when she was a girl.

Stewie Griffin

If it's not big enough for you to stick your head in, I have no interest.

Even if the lady in your life is looking tired, don't ask her why, don't acknowledge it... if you value your testicles, move right along.

[PETER, QUAGMIRE, CLEVELAND and JOE are sat in their usual nook in THE DRUNKEN CLAM. All except JOE are busy on their phones]

Joe Swanson

Looks like Jerome's switching to all recycled paper goods.

Peter Griffin

Joe, don't punish us just 'cause you forgot your phone.

Joe Swanson

I didn't forget it. I asked Bonnie why she looked so tired and she hucked it in the pool.

Stewie has mastered the Easy-Bake Oven. And now he's cooking potentially award-winning food in his nursery. He's surely on his way to a Michelin star.

Chris Griffin

Stewie, what is that incredible smell?

Stewie Griffin

Just a simple pizza I thought Rupert might like. You know, since he's a basic little b**ch who shops at Filene's.

What happens when, whilst cruising at 33,000 feet, both the Captain and First Officer of your flight get struck down with food poisoning? Well, it won't be THIS funny. That's for sure.

[Whilst cruising at 33,000 feet, JIM bursts from the c*ckpit and throws himself into the forward toilet where he proceeds to projectile vomit]

Jim

Out of my way!

Flight Attendant

Jim, are you okay?

Glenn Quagmire

I think he's got food poisoning. It must've been that sack lunch of leftover shrimp from his niece's wedding.

Brian Griffin

Well, thank God you didn't have any.

Glenn Quagmire

Well, actually, he kept waving the bag in my face and asking, "Does this taste funny to you?" I... I didn't want to be rude.

[QUAGMIRE'S stomach begins making disturbing noises]

It's coming!

Brian Griffin

Don't worry, Quagmire, I can take over.

Glenn Quagmire

Are you crazy? You could never in a million yea... son of a b**ch!

[QUAGMIRE enters the same toilet where JIM is now sat on the pan, the world falling out of his bottom, leaving QUAGMIRE no choice but to sit on the sink]

Dammit! Get out of the way! I'm gonna have to take a boy band.

Jim

What does that mean?

Glenn Quagmire

"In sink." I also would've accepted "back-streak boys." And it's definitely coming out at "98 degrees" in "one direction." In any case, it's all gonna sound and smell terrible.

Stewie needs John Herbert's 200W lightbulb for his Easy-Bake Oven. What he needs is a way to distract the old pervert. Which is where Chris comes in.

[CHRIS knocks on the door and a peep-hole at STEWIE'S level opens up and we see JOHN HERBERT'S eye]

John Herbert

Well, look who it is. Do come in. What brings you boys by?

Chris Griffin

Actually, Mr. Herbert, I, noticed a new mole on my thigh and wanted to ask if it looks misshapen to you.

John Herbert

Well, let's have a little look-see.

Tom Tucker. He must be a member of the same club as a certain shamed British TV presenter. Why can't these people leave the interns alone?!

Tom Tucker

That's our show for tonight. And now, the Channel Five theme music while our audio guy forgets to mute my mic.

[To the INTERN]

Anyway, as I was saying, in exchange for sex, I'll help advance your career.

Ah, the Germans. A nation which don't mind being poked fun at. And even if they do, they have such collective guilt concerning the atrocities committed by their forefathers, they'll just tolerate it!

Meg Griffin

This festival's kind of weird. How did Germans even come up with Oktoberfest?

[CUT TO: German marketing company, lots of Arian men sat around a board room table]

German 1

So, guys, turns out everybody hates us for all our world wars, et cetera. We need to do something that shows we are fun and silly, and not human exterminators.

German 2

What about beer, pretzels, und horns that go "oompa oompa"?

German 1

That's good. Very good.

German 3

Yes, that, and little square moustaches because...

German 1

No more moustaches!

Chiropractors. Miracle workers or quacks? Experts in cracking bones or master illusionists? It's a subject that will divide a room. Me? I think it's all a load of horse sh*t but hey, don't quote me.

Brian Griffin

Hey, look, a chiropractor. I could actually use an adjustment.

Stewie Griffin

Huh, let's see how you turn this into a brag.

Brian Griffin

I hurt my back reading screenplays for a competition.

Stewie Griffin

Finish the sentence.

Brian Griffin

That I paid to be a judge in.

Stewie Griffin

There you go.

Brian Griffin

Hello.

Chiropractor

Cha-ching! I mean, hello. Would you guys like an adjustment?

Brian Griffin

I'll take one.

Stewie Griffin

Not me. I think you're a quack.

Chiropractor

I also do colonic irrigation therapy.

Stewie Griffin

I'll take a pamphlet.

[BRIAN gets onto the couch and sniffs]

Brian Griffin

This head hole smells like spit.

Chiropractor

Don't worry, I always give it one lazy wipe between patients. Now, I'm gonna ask you some questions I can steer into any direction I need. Do you ever feel tired?

Brian Griffin

I do.

Chiropractor

And if you go a few hours between meals, do you ever feel like you need to eat again?

Brian Griffin

Yeah, like, every day.

Chiropractor

That's a big problem nowadays. I have some very expensive supplements that'll help.

[The CHIROPRACTOR grabs hold of BRIAN'S head and twists it violently to one side, making his vertebrae crack loudly]

Brian Griffin

Whoa. That feels great.

Chiropractor

Yeah, that good feeling will last right until you get into your car. Here's your bill.

Brian Griffin

Seven-hundred dollars?

Chiropractor

That covers the consultation, evaluation, diagnosis, adjustment, supplements and a fart surcharge.

Brian Griffin

I didn't fart.

Chiropractor

You did. People always do. Or maybe I did. Either way, I'll just bill it to your insurance.

Brian Griffin

Man, I can't believe...

[Farts]

Oh, there it is.

I've been asked by the BCA to point out that training for a chiropractor is both extensive and specialised. And here, Stewie demonstrates that entire training.

Stewie Griffin

Siri, how do I become a chiropractor?

Siri

Do you want to be a doctor, but don't like to read books?

Stewie Griffin

Yes.

Siri

Congratulations. You are now a chiropractor. Mailing certification and teeth whitening kit now.

Now, who would hack into a local news station, wait for their daily cookery output and then swap the audio and video with that from a filthy Eastern European porno?

Tom Tucker

And on behalf of everyone at Channel Five, we'd like to apologise for the pornography that aired during our cooking segment. There are a lot of very funny people who are good at computers, and we can't stop them.